Top 5: Dumbest Licensed Superhero Products

5. Captain America Donut

It is fairly safe to assume that at no time did Chris Evans, nor would a real Steve Rogers, let his namesake donut anywhere near that temple of a body. This is as antithetical as a product can be. Plus, jelly donuts are gross and sticky.

4. Joker Knife

Oh yes, this is a real thing. Joker, the homicidal spirit of chaos from The Dark Knight can be forever commemorated by this very cheap knife. That’s right. These run about seven bucks. So they’re great stocking stuffers.

3. Red Skull cap

There are a couple of things to point out here. The first is that this is an officially licensed, textured version of the Red Skull’s head on a limited edition cap from the same folks who make the Major League Baseball hats. It sold for about $50 originally, and now is rare, and sells for much more if eBay is to be believed. But beyond all that, this is a Nazi you can wear on your head.

2. Hostess Green Lantern Glow Balls

Glow. Balls.

1. Hulk Cologne

The simple fact is that the person wearing this item would have to be either a child or a clueless lout. No adult who is going to make a fragrance choice in their life who has any sort of idea of how the world perceives him (and it’s a him, obviously) would ever willingly let whatever this horrid scent might be permeate their world. And yet, it was produced, marketed, and sold. One of you has it, and it wasn’t a bad gift. You made that decision, and like so many decisions, you live with it, in shame, forever.

Comments

  1. edward says:

    red skull cap, hilarious

  2. stuclach stuclach says:

    That Joker knife is interesting. I have to wonder who would buy such a thing.

    I’ve tasted those glow balls. Kinda salty.

  3. Paul Montgomery Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    I own the Hulk cologne.

  4. I can imagine some guy thinking he’s all thug life, walking around with that Red Skull New Era keeping all the stickers on it and stuff.

    I remember when the Glo Balls came out. Hostess also had Batman and Flash confections. It was an impressive display of high fructose corn syrup’ed America F-yeah.

    • KenOchalek KenOchalek says:

      The Flash cakes were pretty alright. They didn’t help me tap into the Speed Force, but the sugar creme filling sure helped accelerate Type 2 diabetes!

      I didn’t try the captain america donut, but I did have some kind of HYDRA-inspired chocolate fudge brownie sundae thing from a combo Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. It was great (in a bad for me way)!

    • diebenny diebenny says:

      Dude, I would rock that red skull new era, stickers and all. As a little white dude, of course I’d look silly, but that’s why it’d be awesome.

    • All of those hostess cakes kinda taste the same don’t they? Diabetes man for sure! Get Bends on that.

      There is a rather portly man at my office (works in IT….stereotypes much?) who has a very visible and well stocked, costco sized snack station under his desk. I”m pretty sure he celebrated all of these at some point.

  5. Endigo Endigo says:

    From a design standpoint, the Red Skull cap is pretty cool, but the chances i would actually wear it are nil.

    The Hulk cologne reminds me of the Star Trek scents they had in bookstores a few years ago. Just, why?

  6. RobotZombie RobotZombie says:

    You mean the Captain America Coolata?
    No thank you, I am fresh out of insulin shots.

  7. I was tempted to buy the Red Skull cap the last time I was in Lids because it was so ridiculous. Now that it’s become a collector’s item, I really wish I did.

  8. Impossibilly Impossibilly says:

    I was hoping Superman 64 made the list. :)

    • Josh Flanagan Josh Flanagan (@jaflanagan) says:

      I could certainly do a Top 5 of bad superhero games. Yet, there are so many bad ones that it might not make it. Ugly out there.

    • Impossibilly Impossibilly says:

      Yeah, that might be a top 50, Josh. Top 500 even, if you count mobile phone games.

    • Neeks Neeks says:

      Oh God Superman 64…. i think i remember playing that piece of crap is that the one where you had to like fly through rings in the sky in some absurd type of game around the city… i remember some stupid superhero game like that

    • debaser17 debaser17 says:

      Saw that top 5 on Attack of the Show a couple days ago, pretty big consensus out there for Superman 64. Anyone old enough to remember the first 8-bit Nintendo attempts at superhero games might have something to say though… I remember the X-Men game for NES as being particularly unplayable. Go grab an emulator and see just how well that game holds up :)

    • Silver Surfer for the NES was beyond horrid.

  9. Josh Flanagan Josh Flanagan (@jaflanagan) says:

    It was like a very hardcore cherry slush puppy. Not entirely terrible though…

  10. I did indeed try out the Captain America Tri-Coolata cup, where they put that red Cap drink, a blueberry drink, and a white coconut drink together into 3 different cells in 1 cup. It all tasted alright, but it was kinda weird since the cup itself was like 3 mini cups in one. Additionally, when I tried that, I had my 7-11 mixer straw which I utilized with this cup, having two flavors at once. My bones haven’t stopped hurting since.

  11. Rob3E Rob3E says:

    Hey, that Captain America jelly donut was pretty tasty. We can’t all have a Vibranium shield, so some of us need a little extra padding for protection.

    Or a lot, as the case may be.

  12. Firevine Firevine says:

    I had the Captain America doughnut. It was sickly sweet. Way too much. I think they gave it to me for free because I go into my local Dunkin’ Donuts rather often, and roughly 2/3 of my wardrobe is Captain America t-shirts.

  13. SteenAR SteenAR says:

    I don’t know… Those Glo-balls were actually pretty delicious.

  14. unclerocco unclerocco says:

    They make an “Enchantress by Justice League Dark” scent as well.

    According to Superman, “It smells… insane.”

  15. Neb Neb says:

    Those Captain America donuts were great, and honestly, what’s more American than a fatty, crazy sweet treat to represent our most patriotic hero?

  16. The Joker knife is the only one that makes scense to me. Remember when Heinz had green ketchup when the Grinch came out?

  17. RobotZombie RobotZombie says:

    I see a whole post about potential Superhero/Villian cosmetic products.

  18. Notahiro Notahiro says:

    Say what you will, that was one tasty doughnut!

  19. kennyg kennyg says:

    The knife shown above is a folding knife. They make better knives like it that are spring loaded and extend and retract out the front (OTF) on many sites. There are lots of cheap knock-offs though.

    • aerodash84 aerodash84 says:

      I was gonna say according to IMDB it was a potato peeler. So does that make me cool because I was into potato peelers before The Dark Knight made them cool?

  20. boomergirl boomergirl says:

    So wait, the green sno-balls makes this list but the red Flash cupcakes get snubbed? And say what you will about that donut, but it was fucking delicious.

  21. “But beyond all that, this is a Nazi you can wear on your head.”

    I swear, Josh is one of the funniest people on the planet.

  22. ato220 ato220 says:

    Hostess also made Batman cupcakes. They were dark mysterious and the cream filling kept coming out after the first bite.

  23. jordcluff jordcluff says:

    http://www.fragrancedirect.co.uk/diesel/diesel-only-the-brave-edtspray-75ml-captain-america/invt/0036161/?source=122_4

    An apparently existing aftershave, painted blue with the shield on the back. No idea what it smells like, but I doubt it’s motorcycle grease, gunsmoke, sweat and noble heroism. Which is what it should smell like.

  24. icn1983 icn1983 says:

    The Captain America Dunkin’ Donuts promotion was a boner on so many levels. What shocked me is they included “Hydra”-themed donuts and Coolattas. Then they asked customers to “choose their side”: http://ys-production.s3.amazonaws.com/campaigns/1321/photos/profile/CA-Poster02-62cm-x-82.5cm_Low-Res_Preview_.jpg?1310038575

    The Hulk Cologne on the other hand…

  25. itsbecca itsbecca says:

    See you say the donut is stupid, but look how many people in the comment tried it? I hate to be the one who says this, but with the donuts they’re not looking for a Captain America like product… they’re looking for a product the Captain America customer base would want, and donuts… I know I’m on dangerous stereotype ground, but it fits alright. Our demographic often eats crappy treats and lots of caffeine. Although, okay… fine the donut is a little stupid. We usually want our hands on something to keep. Maybe they just tried to push it as an impulse buy for people who were there for the promotional cup.

    Glo Balls are obviously similar, but I always wondered if they did that knowingly for the gag, or were just clueless. We’ll never know!

    • Josh Flanagan Josh Flanagan (@jaflanagan) says:

      I didn’t use the word “stupid”. I said it was antithetical. Pointing out that something is dumb is not the same thing as saying it doesn’t work. I ate, let’s say several, of the Stars & Stripes donuts.

  26. Kuhan Kuhan says:

    Shouldn’t the Red Skull Cap be a… you know… skullcap?