Tuesday Showdown: Rorschach vs. Fin Fang Foom

Fin Fang Foom vs. Rorschach

Rorschach's Journal. April 20th, 1976:

Woke up in pile of dead rats. No worse than own linens at home. The world should sleep like this. Can't keep secrets under covers when covers have eyes and tails and mange. I pocket a rat to mail to the president when I get back to my apartment. I am not in my apartment. I am not at home.

Spent night in Bay of Bengal, endured the feasting of insects. Five hours since man known as Nite Owl lost control over Burma, forced me out hatch with last parachute. Can only presume him dead. Talked too much anyway. Talked about waistline and Spectre's daughter. Was flatulent in close spaces of owl jet. Always guessing what pattern on mask meant.

Waded to shore, then through slums. There are no gutters here. Maybe it is all a gutter. A place that is its sewer. A place without secrets. Craving for Klondike Bar intense to the point of distraction.

Young girl offers me love for bubblegum. I shoo her off to her madame. They are repugnant. I wish I had bubblegum. For me, not them. Tootsie Pop. Madame sends over round-faced boy. I shoo him off too. Madame sends over dog. I throw dog through the window of her bordello. Bordello turns out to be the home of local wrestler. I bite him until he leaves me alone. Madame rides off alone on tandem bicycle. Probably stolen.

Young boy steals a statue from a blind man when he should be stealing food. Blind man sends son after thief then goes back to kissing his sister. 

I am vomiting my lunch of skewered goat meats when the man returns with the thief. Statue shattered in pieces like American justice system. Man and boy are chased by lizards. Lizards all have the face of Gabe Kaplan from ABC situation comedy Welcome Back, Kotter. The lizards overtake the boy in what would be the gutters but it is all gutter here because there is no distinct gutter system. One wonders about such a waste management plan. As I wring the sick from my mask, I see the pile of lizards writhe up like Biblical plague.

It is now a giant lizard. A buffonish dragon in the boy's purple short pants.

"Fin Fang Foom is rithen!" the beast lisps like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

It spends the afternoon devouring orphans and making new ones by flaying parents. It flies away to nest in the jungle.

What I wouldn't do for a Klondike Bar.

Tomorrow I will take a suitcase full of rocks and umbrella handles into the hills and draw the racist caricature out of its hole. I will grab it by its tail and see it out to its end.

For now, I pull my quilt of vermin up over my eyes and say, "Goodnight, Moon!"

 

Fin Fang Foom vs. Rorschach

Who wins?

(Show your work!)

Comments

  1. Paul. Wtf? This is brilliant! Sadly, idk who would win. Is that a Migniola Fin Fang Foom?

  2. This is just…just…man…

    I want to donate money directly to Paul for the first paragraph alone.

  3. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @Anson – It is indeed a Mignola Fin Fang Foom. 

  4. Aung San Suu Kyi wins for being the planets most bad ass woman ever

  5. I feel like we win, Paul. WE WIN.

  6. Everyone.

     That’s who wins.

    The End. 

  7. Fin Fang Foom wins because he is drawn by Mignola.

  8. Forget showdown, give them a sitcom!

  9. Nextwave shows up. They win.

  10. Gabe Kaplan.

  11. @Paul – Why can’t you come up with any original ideas?  Why you always gotta be stealin’ from Alan Moore for?

  12. Let’s see, Fin Fang Foom is an actual ancient and presumably immortal dragon. Rorscach is a really, really disturbed dude that is good to have in a tough scrape. Who would win?

    Unless tri-F is foolish enough to feed a kid to a dog or wander near a jail toilet, I am going to guess Rorscach goes down in three gulps. But he will taste awful.

     

  13. just Rorschached my pants…..

  14. Rorschach already won… THIRTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO!

  15. You’ve been doing this for a bit too long, haven’t you Paul?

  16. Fin Fang Foom puts Rorschach in his pants.

  17. Does Fin Fang Foom just guarantee something is funny in the comic community?

  18. Watchmen Assemble! Silk Spectre makes a pass at Foom, but he uses her to clean the grit from his teeth. Daniel tasted nice thank you very much. Swallowing Dr Manhattan gives Foom gas. Comedian ignores giant monster and starts shooting up whore house for great justice. Ozymandias teleports Foom to New York City and Rorschach laments that this is what it sounds like when doves cry. Hulk asks for his pants back please.

  19. I don’t know who would win, but I know I would pay good money to see the rest of that story, Paul. Your take on R’s voice is perfect!

  20. @Edward: Its a giant lizard that wears purple shorts…of course it does.

  21. @Patman2: fuck that’s wacky

  22. I tried writing down my work, but it reminded me of some complex stat problems I did in college and passed out.  When I came to the battery on my laptop had died and I lost everything.  It involved Rorschach being put in Foom’s pants.  It wasn’t pretty after that…

  23. Rorschach would bait Foom into eating him whole & then Rorschach would kill him from the inside. Then Rorschach would make a joke about stuff being gooey but the joke would be really intensly delivered.

  24. Fin Fang Foom.

    He eats Rorchy, because he’s a dragon, and Rorscharch is far from Batman grade bad-assery.

     

    I still don’t get the reasoning behind this.

  25. @ProjectX2  Ditto, and if Rorschach wants to live after that, then…well…no.

     The PANTS win.

  26. Someone mentioned Gabe Kaplan. That reference made me feel hip.

    But I don’t see how he wins this fight.

  27. Fin Fang Foom eats Rorschach.  Let’s face it, if you are a Watchman, you are on borrowed time.

  28. It looks good for Rorschach until it turns out that Fin Fang Foom was assembled from spare parts by Ozymandias, with the help of the world’s greatest genetic scientists, who he then poisoned in their sleep.

    Rorschach really should have known.  The purple pants are a dead giveaway.

  29. Rorschach, "Godzwa, Godzwa!!! AAAAHHH!!!"" Rorschach is then flattened by Godz..er I mean Fin Fang Foom.

    I’m waiting for Hulk Vs. Fin Fang Foom. Come on two big green monsters in purple pants. It’s like the odd couple. Extra points if it were @DRUNKHULK.

  30. Rorshach scrawls own design on morally blank Foom. Endgame.

  31. Rorschach’s Journal. April 21th, 1976:

    Make my way to the into the hills with a suitcase i traded my wristwatch for from some one-armed man on street.  Collected rocks along the way.  I can hear the beast’s feet falling.  Falling like the iron curtain over Europe.
     
    I see the Dragon in the distance.  His body is green, the color of greed.  He has not seen me.  To caught up in his own gluttony to notice me.  I realize there is only one way to destroy the creature.
     
    He falls asleep.  I crawl through the only cavity in his body open to me.  It is a dark dank place and it smells worse than the street cat I had eaten for breakfast.  
    I have a knife that I stole off a corpse from the day before.  
     
    I reach my hand inside.  I can see the intestine… I cut.  Vile splatters into my mask.  The stench is so putrid it stings the eyes.  I now rely on touch.  The beast must be awake.  I am moving around … all the easier to cut this dragon like capitalism cuts into the pockets of the weak and stupid.  
     
    I am pushed out put not before i stick my knife into the side of his rectum.   The dragon is angry, but he will bleed out before he can make it back to the city.
     
    He will not bleed out before i have to deal with him.  He breathes a putrid breath of fire.  I manage to dodge but my left leg is caught in his path.  If not for the blood and vile that doused it, it would be bone.  I am still in pain.
     
    "Fing Fang Foom will not be defeated."  
     
    The dragon sounds a lot like mother after  friends would visit.  Last thing I remember is before passing out is the sight of Owl Jet.  Maybe Night Owl isn’t so useless after all.  Must make point of taking shower.