"Your costumes are absurd.... Hey! That's my best bright green cape!"
5. Kiss
While allegedly real people, Kiss make it onto the Top 5 anyway by being firmly entrenched in the Marvel Universe. They began their careers by springing from the mind of a mental patient in an issue of Howard the Duck and would later go on to battle Doctor Doom and meet Spider-Man. Spider-Man would later appear in an issue of Transformers, who in turn would later cross over with G.I. Joe, so according the Transitive Property of Equality this means that Kiss and Kevin Bacon could get Destro on keyboards and go fight the Beyonder any time they want. Click here to see Paul Stanley make Victor von Doom cry. I am not kidding.
4. Lila Cheney
Easily the galaxy’s most fun-loving Cheney, Lila’s story is a pretty typical one: she’s a mutant who can teleport, but only light years at a time, so using a Dyson sphere as her home base she travels the galaxy playing rock music as a cover story while she tries to steal the planet Earth. I know, I know, that old story again. Oddly enough, Lila’s origin also somehow puts her in the Top 5 of “Least Convoluted Chris Claremont Characters.”
3. Dazzler
Sure, she might be more of a pop diva than a bona fide “rock star,” but I would argue that Dazzler defies genre pigeonholing in the sense that we have never heard her at all. If nothing else, her career has both crossover appeal and staying power, and if you don’t believe me, take another look at what happened to the outfits.
2. Sex Bob-omb
They rock hard enough to defeat twin evil exes with the power of a few chords. They rock hard enough to make a black and white book about relationships into a huge hit. They rock hard enough to make Michael Cera cool. They are Sex Bob-omb!!!
1. The Archies
I don’t care what kind of pyro Dazzler brings to the table. It doesn’t matter if Gene Simmons puts a little of himself into every issue. The Archies had the #1 song on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart for 1969 without being real people, and that is an achievement we need to recognize. According to Wikipedia, “The Archies are sometimes jokingly compared to The Doors [no, they aren’t] as they also had no bass player, but there is some controversy as to whether Reggie played bass or not [no, there isn’t, not anywhere].” Wikipedia goes on to add that Reggie is often depicted as playing bass, but that “this is not necessarily canon.” This web site is cited in term papers as a legitimate source of information.
Honorable Mentions: Red Rocket 7, Rick Jones
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Yes, there is, Jim. There is controversy because you just made it.
Other honorable mention: Freddie Mercury from Freddie & Me. (Oh, and I guess the rest of Queen too.)
I really liked the Archie’s early stuff, before they sold out, to KISS.
What, no Josie and the Pussy Cats? Also, can we consider the G. I. Joe cartoon in this so we can give honorable mention to Cold Slither?
No Great Frog? Roy Harper’s Rock Band of Heroin Junkies and Cat Swingers? For shame, the Internet. For shame!
Why do you make me want comics I can’t have?
It should be noted that every picture of Dazzler features that pose, and Dazzler cannot fly.
Dazzler is number one
Sex Bob-omb is one of the best fictional band names ever, alongside Rod Torfulson’s Armada featuring Herman Menderchuk.
The name escapes me but the band from the Hernandez Bros books would be another great addition to the list.
Picked up the Kiss Omnibus a few weeks ago ( it was only $25 with a $5 voucher). It has all the Marvel, Image and Dark Horse comics. It’s a ridiculous beast of a book. Some awesome stuff in the Image years – great art especially, from the likes of Clayton Crain and Angel Medina.
Sex Bob-omb is the sponsor of my fake Konami soccer team.
nice, great list
Now that’s a quality IFanboy column! Very nice. The Dr. Doom vs. Kiss stuff looked suprisingly compelling. Who was the artist? Buscema?
i remember hearing about a single page backup Marvel What if? story. Something along the lines of What if Blackbolt became a rockstar. Apparently it just shows him walking up to the mic, and then it shows Earth Explode. Something along those lines.
I would have dropped Kiss and added The Tricks. And maybe put Rick Jones in there somewhere. Or Johnny Storm.