COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Namor the Homeless Sub-Mariner

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation:

NAME: Namor the Sub-Mariner

OCCUPATION: None, Homeless

EVALUATED BY: Jurbis “Hobo Jack” Tiddlebunk

HOBOS and HOMELESS
There is one thing I would like to make clear. The difference between a Homeless and a Hobo. A homeless is exactly what he sounds like. He is a man who has no home. Now, a Hobo on the other hand has no want for a home. It’s very different. We hobos don’t like to be called homeless. Now Namor, or as I referred to him, Sweat Beard, was a homeless. I will evaluated him as a homeless without judgement. It is against the Hobo Code to judge. The only one who should judge is the Hobo Judge at Hobo Court.

A MAN OF MANY NAMES
I first ran into Sweat Beard when I was making my way through the Bowery in the early sixties. I called him Sweat Beard but he was known by many names throughout the Hobo and Homeless community. Inky, Mr. Wiley Wippwhap, Tuutsy Galore, Hair Face and Nelson McLoo. Generally a Hobo or a Homeless get a nickname and stick with it, one has to build a good reputation somehow. I have been known as Jurbis “Hobo Jack” Tiddlebuck for thirty years now. I guarantee if you go into any town that lay along a railroad track and say “Excuse me, I am friends with Jurbis “Hobo Jack” Tiddlebunk” then you are destined for at least one hot meal.
Anyways, Sweat Beard suffered from a severe amnesia. That’s when you can’t remember nothing. So when people asked him is name he wouldn’t be able to recall it. The Hobo or Homeless in question would just bestow upon him a new nickname. Geezy, he had dozens. Doodlebug, Sharp Nose, Abs Abs Abs, Murph.

A CODE OF ETHICS, HONOR AND HOBO
An important aspect of the Hobo Code is to always be courteous to everyone. Law officials, pedestrains, train conductors. Everyone. You see, people see all us Hobos as a unit. So if one hobo starts causing problems in a city then the next hobo that visits that town will be recieved poorly. Sweat Beard caused all sorts of problems for the Hobo community in the Bowery of New York City. A policman would say he wasn’t allowed to sleep on that park bench so he would punch him in the face. This just makes us all look bad. We Hobos had to excommunicate Sweat Beard. I will never forget it. I wrote the thing with a piece of charcoal on the side of a fence.

“We of the Hobo Community that currently resides in the Bowery, New York City, would like to place a clear distinction between us and the homeless man known as the following names: Sweat Beard, Cucumberina, DICE, Don’t Touch Me, and Phfffff. Based on this mans actions and demeanor he can not be a Hobo, please take this under consideration when you are offering a helping hand to other hobos.
Signed
Jurbis “Hobo Jack” Tiddlebunk
Wooly
King Paalmer
Ann LaMadrid
That Cat!
and
Silly Billy Croy, Acting Judge Hobo 

Sweat Beard was then named a Homeless, not a Hobo.

THE REVEAL
Boy, were we surprised when Sweat Beard turned out to be a former prince, superhero and a mutant all in one. We still laugh about it over a can of beans now and again. It all made sense when you think about it. He did have an extensive vocabulary and extraordinary strength. Boy oh boy he was strong. I saw him pick up a car to get to a half eaten pickle sandwich once. It was a smaller car but still. Wowie!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Sweat Beard, if you are reading this, I hope that there were no hard feelings about us kicking you out of the Hobo den. We had to do it. If you would like to come by and maybe help an old friend out I am currently residing at Williamsburg Bridge and Kent Avenue, Brooklyn, NY, 11211.

HOBO HOMELESS RESPONSE
Who am I? I ask myself this same question day after day. Who can I be? I have the strength of fifty men, the lexicon of a king, the good looks of narcissus, water enlivens me and I have tiny wings on my ankles! BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW MY OWN NAME!

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The Wikipedia page for Hobo is now Timmy Wood’s (writer, comedian, not hobo), new favorite  piece of reading material. He is on twitter and has a tumblr page he shares with his wife (also not a hobo) email him here if you like!