COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS – Before Watchmen Edition: Rorschach

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation:

NAME: Walter “Rorschach” Kovacs

OCCUPATION: Contributing Writer to New Frontiersman Magazine, Freelancer

EVALUATED BY: Humor Columnist/Pulitzer Prize Winner

DAVE BARRY

Deadlines: Excellent
There is something that is very important about being a writer. Never miss your deadline! I have never missed a deadline. Not one. Now this guy, this Walter Kovacs a.k.a “Rorschach”. He had one deadline, only one, and he made it right on time. Good job! You are on your way to being a Pulitzer Prize winning, nationally syndicated, newspaper columnist.

Writing Style: Below Average
You have a certain syntax, that’s for sure. Many mistakes though. You writes in fragments like crazy. Look at this “Can’t concentrate. Too tired. No sleep since Saturday. Walked home past trashcans stuffed with rumors of war.” What is this? You are like an out of breath Ernest Hemingway. Look, I like your style, Rorshie, but let’s throw some conjunctions in there. Remember, that song Conjunction Junction? By the way if trains are what we use to show conjunctions then what forms of grammar do other modes of transportation represent. Are planes verbs? Are boats nouns? Subordinating Conjuctions must be the Miami bus system because it is terrible. Okay, enough wasting good future column material on this.

Writing for an Intended Audience: Excellent
I will say one thing, Rorshie. You sure know your audience. I didn’t even know this magazine existed until my editor made me go look it up. Finally found a copy of it at the gas station next to a magazine called GUNS GUNS GUNS and another called NUNS NUNS NUNS. I flipped through it and yeah, your writing sure fits with this periodicals mission statement, which I believe is “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” Hey, no judgment from me. I have a distrust for authority and government just like you do. In fact just the other day  I drove up the “down” lane at the Sear’s parking lot.

Inspiration: Below Average
I will give you some advice, Rorshie. Remember, I have only read this one thing you wrote. This one thing that was published and it was very anti-government, conspiracy jibber jabber.  I still feel like I haven’t gotten to know the real you. The real Walter Kovacs. Do what I do. Take a part of your life; a humorous story, an anecdote, a routine, and write about it. Let your readers see the real you! What was your childhood like? I bet there is some funny stuff there! Your parents? Everyone’s got funny stories about their parents! I write about my dogs all the time! Dogs are hillarious! You got any dogs Rorshie? I bet you’re the kind of guy who loves dogs.

Final Words
Last words of advice: Just keep at it! Stay strong. Stay objective. Don’t let CBS move your sitcom to the Friday night “death slot” and most of all, keep on keeping on. Send me the next thing you write. I would love to read it.

Employee Response:
Hurm.

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Timmy Wood is a comedian who lives in New York City and just to read Dave Barry’s collections at the Waldenbooks at Baybrook mall. Read more jokes from him on twitter.