Hey iFanbase, Timmy Wood here. The following is from a series of emails that were sent around the Justice League of America. I pulled a fast one and got a hold of them. Read them quickly before Batman takes them down.
Black Canary BlkCanary@JLA.org Dec 10 (7 days ago)
Alright everyone, it has been requested by several of you to have another Secret Santa this year. I have taken all the names of everyone who wanted to participate and have randomly emailed them to you. DUE TO SOME ISSUES LAST YEAR I HAVE TO ADDRESS A FEW RULES.
1. No Cheating. Nobody try and read minds (J’onn), use spells (Zatanna) or Time Travel (Booster) to figure out what you are getting and who you are getting it from. If you can’t wait a few days, then don’t participate.
2. Don’t be jerks. Let’s get each other good gifts, put some effort into it, no “barely used” iTunes gift cards (Hal)
3. Everyone email us and let us know what you got!
Get to gift giving and happy holidays!
The Atom Atom_Choi@JLA.org 2:00 pm (9 hours ago)
I just got a bunch of books from Green Arrow. Thanks for THE LIES THAT OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM IS TEACHING US AND CALLING IT HISTORY, THE BIG LIARS. I can’t wait to give it a look.
Green Arrow BigSexyArrow@JLA.org 2:10 pm (9 hours ago)
You’re welcome Ray. You can use that in your college lectures.
The Atom Atom_Choi@JLA.org 2:21 pm (9 hours ago)
My name is Ryan….and I teach chemistry….
Green Arrow BigSexyArrow@JLA.org 2:28 pm (9 hours ago)
I got my gift too! Thanks for the beard trimmer Cyborg! Maybe, someday you will be able to grow some facial hair of your own!
Cyborg SighBorg@JLA.org 3:02 pm (8 hours ago)
I just want to make it clear that I can in fact grown facial hair if I really wanted to. I can.
Anyways, I received package in the mail from my secret santa. A framed 8×10 Glossy of Booster Gold from Booster himself. Thanks, I guess.
Booster Gold CASH4GOLD@JLA.org 3:33 pm (8 hours ago)
Framed AND Autographed! You’re welcome young man! I received a board game from Animal Man. Thanks Buddy, I am not sure when the opportunity will arise for me to entertain my guests with an exciting game of TWISTER but when it does, I will whip this puppy out.
Animal Man The_Animal@JLA.org 4:16 pm (7 hours ago)
Hey, my kids love that game. Thanks for the tickets to the burlesque show, Zatanna. Is this something I could take the kids too?
Zatanna Annataz@JLA.org 4:22 pm (7 hours ago)
You’re welcome! Um…..probably leave the kids at home. Plastic Man, this coupon for one free massage better be for an actual massage parlor.
Plastic Man Plaz@JLA.org 5:09 pm (6 hours ago)
Oh, sorry. I should have been more clear, Z. That is a coupon for me to give you a massage. Me. Not a massage parlor.
Zatanna Annataz@JLA.org 5:12 pm (6 hours ago)
Hey Black Canary, great job so far.
Black Canary BlkCanary@JLA.org 5:29 pm (6 hours ago)
You guys. I said good gifts. These all sound like you just grabbed something last minute. It’s like you didn’t put any thought at all into what your person would want as a present…
Plastic Man Plas@JLA.org 5:36 pm (6 hours ago)
I don’t know what you guys are talking about, I got a great gift. I get to act as sidekick to Batman for one night only. Included in being a sidekick is a workshop on detective skills and a free burger from Gotham’s Burger Hut.
Zatanna Annataz@JLA.org 5:39 pm (6 hours ago)
Gah! That sounds like a great gift!
Cyborg SighBorg@JLA.org 5:43 pm (6 hours ago)
And wasted on Plastic Man of all people.
Batman The_Batman@JLA.org 6:00 pm (5 hours ago)
I’m glad to hear everyone liked the gift I gave Plastic Man. My gift was from Hal. He sent me framed and autographed 8×10 glossy of Booster Gold. Thanks Hal. How thoughtful of you.
Green Lantern HalGANGNAMSTYLEJordan@JLA.org 7:10 pm (4 hours ago)
He had a bunch laying around! I think it’s a great gift. Bats you love Booster! I am opening my gift right now as I type this…it’s from Jonn J’onzz and …it…is…wrapped this tight Jonn….it’s…OOOOHH SUPER TROOPERS ON DVD! OH YES! YES! YES! YES! I LOVE THIS MOVIE! YES! HOW DID YOU KNOW? YES! YES! Does anyone have a DVD player I can borrow?
Martian Manhunter JonnJonzz@JLA.org 7:38 pm (4 hours ago)
I received a new fedora and trenchcoat from Superman. Thank you. I haven’t worn either of these in a while and it’s about time I tried them back on again.
Superman Supes@JLA.org 8:11 pm (3 hours ago)
Wow, Hawkman brought me a Kryptonian artifact, a vase to be specific. I haven’t seen one of these in a while and I was sure they all had been destroyed with the planet. A truly thoughtful gift.
Hawkman Hawk_Man@JLA.org 8:18 pm (3 hours ago)
I am happy you found joy in my gift Superman. We of Thanagar gain much pride in our acts of giving gifts. We live for it almost as much as we live for battle. I searched for your gift for 72 hours until I found the exact, perfect, Kryptonian Vase.
I must now thank The Flash for giving me a small, decorated lasso.
The Flash Flash@JLA.org 8:25 pm (3 hours ago)
No, Hawkman, that’s not a lasso. It’s a tie.
Hawkman Hawk_Man@JLA.org 8:31 pm (3 hours ago)
I shall use it to bind my tiny enemies.
The Flash Flash@JLA.org 8:39 pm (3 hours ago)
I received….what I am assuming is…is…Diana what is this?
Wonder Woman WonderWoman@JLA.org 8:42 pm (3 hours ago)
It is the heart of a Tapir. A delicacy of my people.
The Flash Flash@JLA.org 8:47 pm (3 hours ago)
I will have Iris toss it on the grill.
Wonder Woman WonderWoman@JLA.org 8:55 pm (3 hours ago)
And I must thank The Atom for the Amazon gift card.
Cyborg SighBorg@JLA.org 9:01 pm (2 hours ago)
You wanna trade?
Zatanna Annataz@JLA.org 9:09 pm (2 hours ago)
Yeah, let’s work out some trades. Who wants a Plastic Man administered massage?
Green Lantern HalGANGNAMESTYLEJordan@JLA.org 9:13 pm (2 hours ago)
I have a lot more 8×10 glossies of Booster to trade.
Black Canary BlkCanary@JLA.org 9:28 pm (2 hours ago)
STOP! Stop it! Nobody is trading. You got the gift you got! I am banning secret santa. You all are clearly terrible at this and we are ending this tradition after this year. I am very disappointed in a lot of you.
Firestorm Firestorm@hotmail.com 10:05 pm (1 hour ago)
Hey, I never got my gift. Who was my secret santa?
Black Canary BlkCanary@JLA.org 11:30 pm
Oh my gosh, honey. I am so sorry. I forgot. I was your secret santa.
Firestorm Firestorm@hotmail.com 11:31 pm
That’s okay. I was supposed to get Blue Beetle a gift. Does anyone know if Ted got it?
Black Canary BlkCanary@JLA.org 11:39 pm
I’ve made a huge mistake. That was supposed to go to Jaimie…Ted is…oh how do I put this…. Look, why don’t I just call you.
Timmy Wood is a writer and comedian who lives in New York City. He is on Twitter often, probably too often.