The world is in panic. Newspaper headlines wildly proclaim: "SANTA CLAUS KIDNAPPED: WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO CHRISTMAS?" Children are out of control with no one watching to see if they deserve coal in their stockings. The media is having a hay day.
What happened to Santa? An evil terrorist organization, in an attempt to suck all of the happiness out of the world, have kidnapped him and are now brutally holding him in an undisclosed location. Despite the best efforts of most of the governments, Santa Claus is still MIA, leaving millions of presents waiting to be delivered and thousands upon thousands of children whose Christmas is ruined. Naturally, this is a job for the superheroes of the world. But who to call on? Who is prepared to don the red and white suit, wrangle some reindeer (or not), and fly around the world to bring joy and goodness to every boy and girl (and in between)? The secret league of superheroes are all convening right now to see who is going to take the job.
As I'm sure it popped into most people's mind's immediately, the obvious choice would be Superman. Not only is he almost wearing enough red in his regular costume, but with his super strength and awesome feats of speed, he could get the presents delivered in a flash. And if the weight of the bag of gifts was too much for him (psh, as IF), he could single-handedly fly Santa's sleigh… to hell with the reindeer.
But wait! Superman is basically Jewish. Even if the happiness of thousands of innocents was at stake, could he really sacrifice his beliefs to participate in this act?
On the topic of super speed, the Flash enters your mind as quickly as he runs. He has even MORE of an affinity for the colour red than Superman (as if that really matters), and he could make Christmas happen around the world in approximately thirty nine minutes and six seconds. He'd be in and out of people's houses with a "whoosh", his only sign of entry a gently wafting curtain or a swaying stocking.
But then again… could he really handle carrying those giant loads of presents? The Flash is a wirey guy; wouldn't it to be too much for his frame to handle? He doesn't have the super strength that our first candidate possesses.
Enter our next candidate, one Bruce Wayne, also known as Batman. He would hear about the "situation" with Santa and promptly contract some high tech nonsense to get him to where he needs to go, upgrade his suit to have present delivering capabilities, become moody halfway through the process, sulk a bit and wonder if it's worth it, deal with his identity crisis and go back to preparing himself for Christmas Eve night… he would construct a badass enclosed sleigh that's more hi tech than the batmobile with a massive cargo bay on the bottom, which he would then drop all the presents out of and make sure they had harmless homing missiles deliver them to their location through various orifices on the homes. After a night of delivering presents, he would then return and reflect on the deed he had just partook in.
The downside of having Batman take over for Santa is that he would be wasting insane amounts of money to accomplish this, and he wouldn't be as fast as Superman or the Flash. Still, he should be considered.
On the topic of millionaire superheroes getting the job done, we must also think of Tony Stark aka Iron Man. He would probably hire many people to go and deliver the presents for him, but at the last minute realize he only wants to do the job himself so its done right. So he'd invent some things, put on his Iron Man suit, and blast into people's houses full of holiday cheer. However, he'd have little regard to the sleeping children and awake them, not to mention he may consume any and all alcoholic beverages left out and become too inebriated to finish his present route, leaving many dissapointed recipients of presents as he goes to bed with some hot young mother who found him drinking her egg nog.
Who said Santa has to be a guy? Wonder Woman has an INVISIBLE JET. That gives her bonus points for toy transportation for sure. She also has a lot of the same abilities as Superman, so would be about as effective as him… what with her super strength for lugging about the bags of presents. And her animal affinity would certainly assist: she could ask dogs to stop barking so as not to wake up to the children!
But the Right Wing media, if they ever got a whiff that Wonder Woman took over for Santa for the night, might have an outcry. It is a MAN'S JOB, after all. Parents would perhaps boycott their children's presents, ruining Christmas for a good number of poor children.
You've heard the plusses and the minuses… and now the world waits for the result with bated breath: Who will take over for Santa this Christmas? Speak, public! And if you think there are OTHER superheroes who could do the job better, let us know. Happy Holidays!
Personally, Molly McIsaac wants Batman to deliver her presents this year so she can kidnap him – er, "gently persuade" him – into drinking copious amounts of eggnog with her. See if she is succesful on her twitter!
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HULK JEWISH!
If anyone watched the Justice League animated series they know that the flash made a great santa for the orphans when he teamed up with Ultra-Humanite, so I gotta go with him!
Thor would love to stay but Thor must go deliver presents. On Toothgnasher! On Toothgrinder!
The Flash
Deliverin’ your presents faster than you can say Ho ho ho.
The best fill in for Santa would be Jay Garrick and Alan Scott. Jay can deliver all the toys while Alan uses his ring to make gifts and put a ring construct reindeer-led sleigh on the roof! Plus, Green and Red.
Great holiday piece!
Cloak and Dagger!
I want to say Volstag, but only because he kinda looks like Santa.
For some reason, I see the Flashes doing this. They’re superfast so they can easily get to everyone in one night. And they can make multiple trips so they’re not loaded up with presents. Plus, they wear red!
Squirrel Girl of course!
The Flash Family would make Santa look like a punk for all the good boys and girls. No sleighs, no reindeer, no elves, not even needing to go through chimneys.
On the other hand The Batman….he’d deal with the naughty list. Coal pffft…He’d leave your teeth in your stocking.
The Spectre HAHAHA. Man that would be a twisted Christmas.
@PraxJarvin: You took my idea, you…..
Ok. Flash. Fastest. Man. alive. …… which part of that do you not get ? Job done.
I’ll go with a team and say the x-men. different teams around the world, they have the balckbird, teleporters going in and outta house, cyclops organizing it all, other team members preping the presents. It would be a great Xmas!
The Punisher. I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Zatanna: Teg eseht stneserp ot s’enoyreve esuoh
Northstar because way back when it was decided that he was an elf before it was retconned. And elves always fill in for the big man.
Bah! Santa Doom is the only solution.
I’m sick and tired of everyone saying Tony Stark is still a heavy drinker. Yes, he had his battles with the bottle, but he’s been clean for nearly 20-plus years. Cut the man some slack. Yes, being in recovery is a daily battle, and he must fight temptation constantly, but I haven’t read a story recently where he’s still flying around drunk and almost killing people.
Wait. Egg nog? Oh, yeah – he’s totally off the wagon for that.
I used to leave oreo cookies for Santa and I know many others who did as well, that only means one superhero!
Martian Manhunter!
No love for KISS? THAT DOES NOT ROCK! http://tinyurl.com/22vwaxa
I’m going with Quicksilver, he is fast and has white hair and he can borrow some red wardrobe from his dad. Also Mole Man could make a good Santa. He has the body type and the moloids can be his elves.
Its gotta be Booster Gold. Hear me out! He’s an attention whore, with thousands of years worth of teleportation technology to deliver all the gifts instantainously! He would barely have to lift a finger and he could save Christmas while all those other heroes are off saving Santa, or whatever. All while securing endorsement deals for the Santa’s sleigh that he would fly all over the world, he’s got the time.
Just the Justice League/Avengers in general. The job is too large for 1 hero. I think this is a plot for a holiday special.
I was just reminded of this JSA cover: http://www.coverbrowser.com/image/jsa/55-1.jpg
Volstagg! Bring along the other Warriors Three and it would be a load of awesomeness waiting to happen. Plus, Samnee already drew up the suit, he’s got the gut and big beard going for him, and he laughs a lot. What more do you need?
Superman — Done!
Matthew
@WonderAli Volstag is a great choice!
But really – Superman would be my choice. Fast as the Flash, and he flies – no reindeer needed.
If it has to be only one hero, Captain Marvel. He has the powers, his colors match, and underneath it all he’s still a kid.
If you need a team, it’s the mid 1960’s JLA and they break up into two person teams to look for clues and face challenges to find Santa. Batman and Wonder Woman are a team cause it would be nice for them to spend Christmas together. Of course Batman figures out where the “undisclosed location” is and they save Santa, but it’s already Christmas morning! It’s too late — Santa can’t deliver the toys!
The terrorists are gloating in their chains that they ruined Christmas when Superman punctures their balloon by telling them that the Flash and Green Lantern delivered all the toys while the rest of the league was busy with the search. Green Lantern carried the sleigh and huge bag of toys and the Flash did the deliveries.
Then Santa comes back to the JLA Christmas party and gives each hero a special present and they all wish the readers a Merry Christmas…
Larfleeze?
Nope, the Doctor. Everyone knows Santa is a rogue Time Lord anyway, makes perfect sense…
Rick from Walking Dead, who better then a one handed, mentally unstable cap with an ax?
I can imagine Green Arrow spends Christmas Eve delivering presents to all the poor kids in Star City
First thing that jumped to my mind was Booster Gold
TIme Sphere would give him all the time he needs to do it, plus he knows a thing or two about cool toys
But wait! Superman is basically Jewish sold the whole thing
Joe Casey’s “Officer Downe”. He’d get the job done!
no doubt about it……………..killer moth!!!!!!
Thor hope you not expect to exchange gifts. Thor just want you to realize that.
Cloak and Dagger is actually an inspired choice. Though, really, any teleporter will do.
I vote for Illyana Rasputin!
Wolverine, Spider Man, and/or Deadpool. They both can be in a million books at the same time all set in completely different time-periods, geographic locales, and sometimes planets and never seem to run out of steam.
I’m giving it to the Joker. He already has all the little packages and whatnot to put the gifts in.
The Shade and Hank Pym. One moves them one shrinks them.
Sleepwalker. Visions of sugar plums dancing in heads. O r maybe Taskmaster if he observed Santa at work ahead of time. No wait freakin Ghost Rider. Flaming skull with stocking cap jauntily laying to one side. Magic reindeer flying for their lives ,baying and snorting steam, as they are pursued by a harley from hell. Is that jingle bells I hear or suped up v-block powered by tortured souls. Naughty list? You get the penance stare. Lump of coal in your stalking is on fire. I could go on forever.
@TheDude007 The first and still the best
I’m sort of shocked this is even a topic.
Kaboomerang!