COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Dazzler

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation is:

Name: Dazzler

Occupation: Singin’ Sensation

Evaluated by Kool & the Gang

KOOL: Hey everybody, I’m Kool.
THE GANG: AND WE’RE THE GANG!
KOOL: I heard that y’all wanna hear about Dazzler!
THE GANG: YEAH!

STAGE PRESENCE
KOOL: Dazzler was a fantastic, singin’ sensation. She knew how to rock the people and make them move in ways that made me jealous.
THE GANG: IT MADE US JEALOUS TOO!
KOOL: She even made The Gang jealous.
THE GANG: I KNOW. THAT’S WHAT WE JUST SAID.
KOOL: I know, I was just repeatin’
THE GANG: THAT’S OUR JOB! HEY!
KOOL: You’re right The Gang. Sorry about that. Anyways, Dazzler would take the stage.
THE GANG: TAKE THE STAGE! TAKE THE STAGE!
KOOL: And everyone would stop what they were doing. They would end whatever conversation they were having, turn and lock their eyes on her! She had some prescence, man. A real stage presence.
THE GANG: MORE PRESCENCE THAN A RICH BOY’S CHRISTMAS TREE!
KOOL: That’s right. And that was just her walking onstage. The music hadn’t even started yet.

SINGIN’ VOICE
KOOL: She grabs the mic and the beat starts.
THE GANG: THE BEAT OF THE BASS AND THE BEAT OF THE HEART
KOOL: I will never forget it, I was the first time I had seen her perform.
THE GANG: US TOO!
KOOL: Right, The Gang and I do everything together. Everything.
THE GANG: EAT. SLEEP. RINSE AND REPEAT!
KOOL: I am watching this young girl sing and my mind is blown. She was captivating. We had to stop what we were doing and just dance.
THE GANG: GOT OUR BACKS UP OFF THE WALL!
KOOL: We couldn’t help ourselves. Normally it’s Kool and the Gang that make the people dance but not on that day. On that day it was Dazzler that made us dance.
THE GANG: DON’T FORGET! SHE SHOT WEIRD LIGHTS OUT OF HER FINGERS! THAT WAS COOL!

NO DISTRACTIONS
KOOL: So we are dancing at the club. Dazzler is singing and shooting lights out of her face and fingers. Thank you for reminding me of that part The Gang.
THE GANG: YOU’RE WELCOME!
KOOL: And all of the sudden, the front door busted open.
THE GANG: SHUT THE DOOR! SHUT THE DOOR!
KOOL: That’s what we screamed. The Gang and I are very conscious about saving electricity. Turns out the door was broken open by some other group called The Hellfire Club. I thought they were just some groovy cats, looking to celebrate but I was wrong.
THE GANG: THEY MURDERED SOMEONE. RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!
KOOL: Yeah, they were bad guys not looking to have a good time.
THE GANG: IT WAS SCARY.
KOOL: We didn’t know what to do. The Gang and I are a peaceful group. We don’t look to fight. We were very lucky though. That young girl who was rockin’ was also a pro when it came to sockin’.
THE GANG: SHE USED HER LIGHT POWERS AND SENT THEM AWAY! WE COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED. THE GANG TRIED TO RUN BUT SOME OF US HAVE WEAK ANKLES.

FINAL THOUGHTS
KOOL: She saved the day and still put on a great show. And that’s the story of the first time we met Dazzler.
THE GANG: IT WAS THE LAST TIME TOO!
KOOL: Yeah, I found out she was a mutant and well..um…
THE GANG: CAREFUL KOOL!
KOOL: We just run in different crowds. I don’t like dealing with Hellfire clubs or sentinels or other things like that.
THE GANG: KOOL’S OPINIONS AND VIEWS ARE NOT REPRESENTED BY THE REST OF THE GANG! WE THINK THAT MUTANTS ARE FINE AND SHOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE A ROCKIN’ LIFE JUST LIKE WE DO.
KOOL: I am not saying they aren’t allowed to have a good life. I am just saying…
THE GANG: WHAT KOOL? WHAT IS IT THEN THAT YOU ARE SAYING?
KOOL: Just…where they go trouble follows it seems….
THE GANG: WHOA! WHOA KOOL! WHOA!
KOOL: You know what I mean.
THE GANG: NOT COOL, KOOL. WHAT IF ONE OF THE GANG WAS A MUTANT? WHAT THEN KOOL!
KOOL: Forget I said anything. Just forget it.
DAZZLER’S RESPONSE
Dazzler’s WORLD WIDE LIGHT AND SOUND TOUR dates:
NYC 9/24
BOSTON 9/30
LONDON 10/5
PARIS 10/9
LATVERIA 10/11
LATVERIA 10/12
LATVERIA 10/13
WAKANDA 10/20
JAPAN 10/25
LOS ANGELES 10/31

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer living in New York City. He can be found on twitter.