Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation is:

NAME: Joe Fixit


Evaluated by Big Ramon

Hello? Big Ramon here. Yeah, who’s asking? Look, I don’t do references for people. If someone wants a job bad enough then they better work hard enough to get it. Who cares what I have to say? Don’t call back here again. Wait what…Joe Fixit? Oh Joe! Yeah, I knew Joe. Look, had I know you were calling about the old Grey Guy then I wouldn’t have been so rude. I just hate being on the phone. Sure, I will tell you about Joe.

Joe came out of nowhere. I first met him when I was working at the Gold Coast Casino and Hotel. He shows up and says he is the new bouncer. I think to myself, alright fine. I start showing him around. Bouncers come and go all the time in Vegas. There is a new bouncer every week. I leads him through the whole joint. Here’s the casino floor, here’s the restaurant, here’s the alley where we bust heads, here’s the break room. I give him the grand tour and put the guy to work. I also told him about the new mobile bingo sites, in case he wanted to play in his room. I send him over to the slot machines where some rowdy real estate agents where hanging. Then, my boss comes up to me. He says “Big Ramon, who is this huge Grey Guy that you got policing the joint?” I say “He’s the new bouncer you hired, get off my back Tony!” He says “I didn’t hire no bouncer.” I tell Tony to go fire him then. Tony, takes one look and says “I guess he’s doing a pretty good job.” What a joke, that Tony. What a joke.

The reason why Tony just took one look is because, and I am sure you know this already, but the guy is huge. I mean I am a big guy. I am huge. Joe stood at least a foot and a half above me. On top of all that, he had this grey skin. Like he looked like a dead person. Not a ghost. He wasn’t pail. He was grey. I always chalked it up to cigarrettes. My aunt smoked all day long and she had that off color , crinkly skin. I don’t know what it was. Giant hands, huge broad shouldiers. Never saw him smile. Not once. Even a serious guy like me smiles once in a while. Every month I make my way over to catch the Andrew Dice Clay show. Now that’s a funny guy. Love me some Dice. You like Entourage? I love that show.

Not for nothing though, I got to give the guy credit. He sure did dress nice. He would show up in this white smoking jacket and pants. I would be like “Joe, you are going to just get this dirty.” In this business you get all sorts of junk on your clothes. Sand, beer, blood all kinds of other bodily fluids. He kept it clean. He didn’t take it easy either. I saw him tear some guys up. I mean tear them up! Still, kept his clothes as if they were new. Tony’s always getting onto me about my attire. I’m like “get off my back Tony, I know this shirt is wrinkled. Get over it.”

When I say he busted heads. He busted heads. There were these guys. They must have just watched some movie where some people make ton of dough off blackjack. I don’t know. It’s stupid. Anyways, we like people to have a good time. So we let them win a little. Let them make some cash and then lose it. That’s what always happens. Especially when they are downing jack and cokes and vodka and cranberries all night long. They start acting really stupid. So, I am ready to throw these suckers out. Then one starts to get a little aggressive with the dealer. He reaches over the table to grab the dealers arm or something. They were arguing about the game. Before I can get there, I see this grey flash. Old Joe’s at the table. He body slams the guy. Breaks the black jack table. My boss Tony runs up to me and is like “What is going on here?” I am like “GET OFF MY BACK TONY!” Tony was a real jerk. Hated that guy.

I think he had another job. He only worked nights. I never saw him in daylight once. Sunset, Joe’s here. Sunrise, Joe’s gone. I don’t know what other job he had, so that may be a problem for you guys. Wait, what is this job he is applying for? Starbucks. What really? Wait, what did you say his name was again? Oh, Joe Feesit. I thought you said Joe Fixit. Ah, Feesit. Yeah, I remember that guy. Real jerk. Don’t hire him. Had a stupid face. Bye now.

Joe Fixit think you play very well here in Gold Coast Casino and Hotel. Joe Fixit would like to offer you night in one of our luxury suites. Joe Fixit please request that he see your identification before you play at roulette table. Joe Fixit regret to inform you that the Cher show is sold out.


Timmy Wood is a writer and comedian who would love to visit Las Vegas again, especially during the dates of September 28th-30th. If you want to just throw money at him so he could afford do to so, he would much appreciate. Find him on twitter.