COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Wolverine

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation is… a little different. We found the shooting script to one of my favorite shows evaluating a much beloved character.

Name: Wolverine, James Howlett, Logan

Occupation: Headmaster

Place of Employment: The Jean Grey School for Higher Learning

Evaluated by Mr. Belding

 

INT. BAYSIDE HIGH SCHOOL – CLASS ROOM -NOON

ZACH, SCREECH, SLATER, KELLY, JESSE and LISA are laughing and talking in the classroom. Zach is playing the guitar. The Girls are dancing. Screech is trying to arm wrestle Slater. He is using both his hands and still losing! There is no teacher or authority figure present.

RICHARD BELDING enters.

MR. BELDING
Hey hey hey hey HEY! What is going on here?

ZACH
Oh, hi Mr. Belding. We are just working on some extra credit work. Right guys?

ALL
Right!

MR. BELDING
Where is your substitute teacher, Ms. Harkins?

SLATER
Funny. Ms. Harkins got a phone call saying she just won the lottery. So she rushed out of here.

MR. BELDING
Zach, did you lie and pretend you worked for the lottery, again?

ZACH
No..

SCREECH
He made me do it this time!

ALL
Gosh Screech! You idiot. We hate you.

MR. BELDING
I can’t believe this. Detention. All of you.

KELLY
But you can’t give us detention. We have the big dance tonight!

LISA
I bought several new dresses and everything!

SLATER
Don’t be so hard on us, Mr. Belding.

JESSE
Yeah, you are the most oppresive principal ever!

MR. BELDING
You think I am a tough principal! Well have I ever told you about Wolverine?

ALL
No! Tell us!

MR. BELDING
Well. There was this guy you see. He was born with a mutant gene that allowed him to heal himself. He also underwent a super soldier program where they replaced his bones with adamantium, that’s a special kind of metal that is unbreakable. This guy has lived on for years and years as a renegade, a soldier, a killer. He has lived in foreign lands. He has been to outer space. You name it he has done it.

KELLY
Did you say he was…a killer?

MR. BELDING
Oh yeah. He could slice and dice his way crowd and rendering them to pieces.

SLATER
With like a sword?

MR. BELDING
Oh, I forgot to mention. He has blades that come out of the top of his fists. Like, look at this pencils. See how I am holding them between my knuckles like this. Now pretend these are really, really sharp knives. He would use this and would just clean up the place. Straight up murder a whole group of people in minutes. So, this guys decides to become a Principal to a school.

ALL
WHAT?

ZACH
That sounds terrible.

KELLY
Who would let someone like that around kids?

MR. BELDING
No.. they aren’t normal kids. They’re mutants.

SLATER
So this guy only murders mutants? That makes it okay?

MR. BELDING
No, he can murder anyone…look, let’s move past the murdering part. He has a change of heart. He is a good guy now and he wants to help the young kids. So he starts a school. The Jean Grey School for Higher Learning…

SCREECH
Who is Jean Grey?

MR. BELDING
She was the really powerful mutant. One of the first at the old school and Wolverine was in love with her…

KELLY
She was his girlfriend.

MR. BELDING
No, she was married to another guy.

ZACH
So he is love with this girl who was married to another guy and he names a school after. Dude, let it go.

MR. BELDING
No, listen..she died.

SCREECH
Did he murder her too?

MR. BELDING
Forget about Jean Grey! He starts the school. Names it after her and now he is a great principal that everyone respects…

JESSE
Does this guy have any experience teaching at all?

SLATER
Not only does this guy sound like a nut job but he also sounds super unqualified for the position.

MR. BELDING
HE’S JUST TRYING TO HELP YOUNG KIDS! Okay! He has made a lot of mistakes and he wants help serve as a guidance to make sure that these kids don’t follow in his same foot steps. He’s an awesome guy and all anyone can see is his rough exterior but deep down inside he has a lot of heart. A lot! AND HE cares okay! He cares…so much…

Mr. Belding starts crying. The kids all look at each other awkwardly.

JESSE
Well, Mr. Belding. We think you are a great principal. Not only do we know that you care but we also know there’s no way you would ever murder us.

MR. BELDING
You guys mean that?

ZACH
Of course we do.

MR. BELDING
Oh..you are the best kids a high school principal could ask for. I take back the detention. Have a great time at the dance tonight.

Mr. Belding stands up with a newly gained confidence, wipes the tears off his cheek and proudly strides out of the classroom.

Beat.

ZACH
What the *#$% was that?

FADE OUT

Employee Response
Attention, someone has been smoking cigars in the bathrooms again. Please do not smoke in there. Bring the cigars to my office. You can smoke them in here.

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Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer living in New York City. He loves this video of Mr. Belding. Follow him on twitter.