X-Men vs. Friendship

Wolverine is sort of a jerk.

To be fair to the Avengers, the X-Men are pretty hard to get along with.

Did you ever read Secret Wars? It was one of the first major kitchen-sink crossovers of the kind we’ve gotten so used to, and it set up a pattern that should seem very familiar by now. All of the super-beings of note are whisked away to an alien world by a bonkers demigod to team up and duel to the death, Heroes vs. Villains. Within about four issues, the teams are Heroes, Villains, and Whatever the X-Men Are Doing Over There. Stranded millions of light years from home, maybe ten other humans on the planet, and the X-Men cannot get away fast enough. Before the series is even halfway over, they’ve got their own clubhouse, they’re hanging out with Magneto, and they have had serious fights with Spider-Man and, of all people, the Wasp. (It should be noted that both Spidey and the Wasp beat the entire team half to death singlehandedly. Yes, even though Colossus is made of steel and the Wasp is the size of a thumb. Professor X is terrible at his job.)

Since then, the X-Men have picked a fight with everyone on their X-Mas card list at least once. Fantastic Four Versus the X-Men was one of my favorite miniseries as a child. Later, it would be followed up by The X-Men vs. the Avengers, if you can imagine such a thing. When Civil War broke out over superhuman registration– the defining political issue of the X-Organization– they sat back and did nothing because picking a side might make them seem too agreeable. Pro-reg, anti-reg, and Whatever the X-Men Are Doing Over There.

Now, AvX is almost upon us, continuing the proud tradition of good guys bashing other good guys in the skull while the world’s criminals enjoy the show from lawn chairs on the sidelines, having a lovely picnic lunch and wondering aloud how these squabbling bozos have stopped them from taking over the world all this time. The prospect of this series is exciting if for no other reason than it’s being crafted by some of the best talents in the business at the top of their respective games. But have people really been clamoring for the sight of Cyclops and Captain America blasting each other? Do a lot of people wonder who would win in a fight, the Hulk or Colossus? Did those people miss the X-Men’s tie-in World War Hulk miniseries, where that fight already happened?

Black Knight vs. Wolverine? I'd want to redo this series too if I were Marvel.

(By the way, the Hulk landed a spacecraft in the X-Men’s home state, knocked down half the city, and tried to kill a bunch of their friends. The X-Men opted to stay out of it.)

Getting a little jaded is probably the risk you run by sticking around so long. Eventually you have, in fact, seen it all before. This weekend at a barbecue, I told a twelve year old that they were putting this book out and his brains shot out the back of his head. It was all we talked about for the rest of the night. When I was twelve, it would have been the same with me. Ah, youth!

There is just something primally satisfying about a big imaginary brawl in a complicated world. It’s easy to think, “With the universe in the balance, are these grownups really going to solve their differences by hitting each other over the head again?” But then, what would you prefer? A series where everyone gets on a conference call and comes to an agreement through parliamentary procedure? “Will Iron Man’s motion be seconded? To be continued!”

I must confess that more than once I have watched grownups using their words to get things done on the news and thought, “I wish John Boehner or Nancy Pelosi would just dive over that rail and start slapping the taste out of somebody’s mouth, and just get it over with.” If we had to deal with a ball of Phoenix force in real life, we would all die on fire while the House was in recess.

Luckily, nobody elected the X-Men to anything, and they’re not in this game to make friends. I think they have proven that conclusively. They will do what they think is right, regardless of whose toes they step on. They will get fed up and kick the hell out of family members or old friends for disagreeing with their politics, fulfilling the fantasy of everyone who ever logged on to Facebook. They will only stop fighting their friends to fight with each other for a while. (X-Factor disagrees with Cyclops. Cyclops disagrees with Wolverine. X-Force doesn’t even want to talk to anybody about what they’re doing. For this reason alone, put your money on the Avengers this summer.) When the smoke clears, each team will do the Member Shuffle, the creators will play musical chairs, and things will never be the same. Plus, we’ll probably settle the whole Hope thing and find out what’s in the Scarlet Witch’s closet. That alone is worth the price of admission.

Jim Mroczkowski has joking about “The Punisher… in Spaaaace!” for years and is delighted to see someone calling his bluff.