WANT! – 08/25/2010

An old man on a hill in the desert once caught a pair of stone tablets from the sky and read: "Covet covet covet. Something something something! You damn dirty ape!" 

In that spirit, we've collected some goodies over which you might drool. 

Some covet the Infinity gems. Others, Water type Pokemon. Here in the Lovecraft iFanboy branch, we're just looking for the keys. Not even just the ones that can open up our heads or turn us into ghosts or wolves. Not even the Omega key. We can always order replicas of those Locke & Key treasures from Skelton Crew Studios. We just want the keys to the cellar. Because that's where the Jumanji and bourbon is.  $20.

No one ever said time travel was easy. Have you been a victim of vehicular chronocide? Proceed with caution to the nearest century with reliable telecommunication and call Armond Vox. He or one of his twelve temporal descendants will be standing by in a cosmic waystation on Tethys, one of Saturn's seven spherical moons (until the Cataclysm in 7181 AD, at which point Armond Vox IX relocates the family business to the Boston area). Vox will fight for you and your license to traverse both time and space, regardless of your credit or chronological history. If you sustained single or multiple injuries across many planes of reality, Vox will streamline the legal process and render claims in the currency most relevant to you. He can be reached at unichronological acces number 6, extension 84774491. $15. 

There's still time to bid on this Official Captain America utility belt kit from REMCO on ebay. Remember that time Bucky flashed his ID in a public establishment? That's in here. There's also a communicator so you can confer with a man named Chris Kemp, who's been pretending to be Falcon since June of 1980. Also, a terrific pair of country blue hand-cuffs for making markedly calamitous citizens arrests. And a wrist thing that tells time. Buy it now for $299.