Jonah Hex vs. Dazzler
A queer song lilts from the cantina.
Hex doesn't like the sound, but he needs a drink. The same drink he's needed since yesterday, maybe the day before. He'd left his horse in the desert where it fell, put a finger through the bullet hole in his canteen, looked for his shadow on the sand. Just a drink or two and he'd retrace his steps, pick up the hide of Roy Casper (who wasn't going nowhere) and collect his due.
If only the barmaid could quit her caterwaulin'.
Hex nudges through the door, ready to be swallowed up in the darkness of a tired saloon in a tired town. But it's brighter on the inside.
She's up on the bar, silver as a new spoon. Hair like starlight. Carrying on and shooting Chinese fireworks out her eyes and her fingernails.
"I want your horror," she wails. "I want your design."
Between verses she swigs from a bottle of tequila. The broken glass on the floor suggest it's not her first. A few locals sit with their backs to the walls, drinks held low, transfixed. Every now and then a twinkling purple horseshoe or blue moon made out of pure nothin' plinks against their cups and fades away. The barman cowers in a corner.
Hex sidesteps a shimmering green clover and puts his hand to the pistol tucked in his belt.
She taps a little box on her hip and the music cuts away. She squints at his face. At his mouth.
"Eww."
She turns her back, taps the little box again. The music returns and she sashays down the bar.
"I want your psycho, your vertigo stick…"
The sounds. The light show. It's all too much.
"Too early in the day," growls Hex, lifting his weapon and taking aim at the music box.
She hears the click and turns.
"Never too early for karaoke, Pale Rider."
Jonah Hex vs. Dazzler
Who wins?
(Show your work.)
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Really?
I agree with ActualButt.
What’s next; Alicia Masters vs. Silent Hill?
Here’s how its gonna go down
Dazzler: La-la-la-la-la-
(Jonah Hex shoots her in the face)
Jonah Hex: Bring me a whore!
@Patman2: HAHAHA!!!!
I believe the quetion in this week’s showdown ought to be, "How Jonah Hex kills Dazzler?". Hex shoots down the Chandelier over head, crushing Dazzler. He then sits back down and exclaims, "Barkeep drink!!!!"
omg. i love this! keep doing it, paul
when hex and dazzler fight, nobody wins though
What I think is happening here is everyone is underestimating Dazzler. She could take Hex down in less than 5 minutes – WAY more powerful than Hex, even though he’s a badass.
Ron makes a good point. Lots of variables though. Somebody’s had a lot to drink. Somebody, not enough.
I would also like to point out that nowhere did I say this had to be a fight to the death.
Just sayin’.
Of course Ron would chalk it up to Dazzler…
Ron : X-Men :: Fox News : Republican Party
Greatest Match-Up to date. Good Work, Paul!
Dazzler is the Avatar of Pop Music. She will hex Jonah Hex to Sing his life.
Hex Sings "Desperado" by the Eagles, everyone wins.
@Paul: yes but you forgot that whenever Jonah Hex is involved its always a fight to the death
@leonard lol. but it’s ‘fair and balanced’;)
I spent a lot of time reading Dazzler’s Wikipedia page. She can do a lot of stuff. It’s like she was created by three people in a 4th grade recess.
"And and and she can make light fog and light beams and–"
"And yeah, and she can store it for later too and–"
"And she can hypnotize you or make you not hear stuff because she’s using it to make the light beams and–"
"What if it was just focused light beams from her hands? Keep it simple."
"Shut up, Kyle!"
Ah, but what happens when the Jonah Hex of 1875 is joined by his motorcyle-riding, time-traveling, future self, fresh from the post-apocalyptic world of 2059?
No, no, no. Hex shoots her in the face, end of story.
Hello Do the words "HERALD of GALACTUS" mean anythingto you people? Everyone here who’s been a Herald of Galactus raise their hand. Jonah Hex? No? Didn’t think so. C’mon, she fought squared off against Juggernaut. Alone! I think she can handle Jonah I-can’t-believe-I’m-even-still-in-continuity Hex.
I feel certain that these two end up making out in some awful, indescribeable (well, really you could but you don’t want to) manner. It just feels right.
Hex asks her what song she is singing and Dazzler shows him then Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" video on her iPhone. Jonah decides his next mission in life will be TO MURDER THE FUTURE…THANKS PAUL! WE ALL LOSE…
Hex is blinded by the light.
Dazzler escapes so its a draw.
Ron – She could take Hex down in less than 5 minutes – WAY more powerful than Hex, even though he’s a badass.
Me – How long does it take for a bullet to fly across a saloon?
I actually figure she blinds him with light kicks the crap out of him and but leaves him alive. Jonah never being one to leave well enough alone. comes back ten days later and shoots her while she’s sleeping in the head. Mister Hex then gets a drink and a whore.
Jonah Hex wins.
It’s not about who has more power, it’s about who shoots who in the head first.
Can any of Dazzler’s powers actually stop a bullet?
Jonah is a Bad Ass, and by the Rules Of The Comic Books, Bad Asses always beat more powerful enemies no matter how unmatched the battle (see Batman or Wolverine).
@MikeFarley-Well said, sir. Well said.
They fall in love, get married, and give birth to the Osmond family
Hex is a fan of the ladies and thus, will be easily mesmorized by Dazzler’s soothing Pop vocals. So the whole time he will just be sitting at a table drinking and watching her perform. Then, after he is properly inebriated, Dazzler won’t have to do much to defeat him. Simpy sparkle a bit and BAM!…Hex is down for the count.
So my vote goes to Dazzler.
I think the key to this donnybrook will be found in alcohol: Dazzler has been consuming it and Hex has not. In the case of the former, it will reduce her reaction time and mess with her judgement. Sure, she can create light which travels 299,792,458 meters per second, but if she can’t get her act together to produce it or if her aim is off due to her significant inebriation, then things may go badly for her. In case of our pal Jonah, the absence of alcohol in his life for a couple of days may have heightened his resolve and made him a wee bit testy for anything that gets between him and something with a kick. Think of it like those stories about mothers flipping over cars from adrenaline alone when their child is trapped, expect replace the toddler with a bottle of scotch and the soccer mom with an ill-tempered guy with some significant plastic surgery challenges.
Factoring in the alcohol, I am going to have to side with Mr. Hex.
It results in hot and heavy public sex.
Having never read ‘Jonah Hex,’ I am neutral in this fight. I do just want to point out that it took more comments to get to "They should have sex" with Hex and Dazzler than it did with Hal Jordan and Nova.
I do approve of DaveCarr’s "Desperado" plan.
Paul, do you think there is room to add to Dazzler’s powers that she can make people sing and then read their feelings based on the song? Like Lorne from Angel, but more fabulous.
you know that scene in "Raiders of the Lost Arc" with that guy who does all the fancy sword work and Indy just sighs and shoots him? that’s how I see this going.
I’m with Miyamotofreak on this one.
Hoppy the Marvel Bunny really needs to appear in one of these sometime.
Patman2 stole my thunder. lol
It’s a great article Paul but I gotta say I can’t see how Dazzler wins this. Hex would probably stare at her for a second then quickly shoot her. Just like…..well like what WonderAli stated above.
Dazzler would be dead before she reailzed she was fighting.
Based on the start-up, Hex shoots Dazzler’s walkman, which makes her mad. She blinds him and then easily takes him out.
What’s a walkman?
Great setup there, Paul. "Never too early for karaoke, Pale Rider". Genius.
I vote for Dazzler. She’ll blind him then disarm him with light shards or something. No contest.
Hex wins. Dazzler is powerful compared to Hex but Hex has the cohoneys to kill. Dazzler will just end up hesitating or hold back and that when Hex will strike.
good times, good times
@lantern4life-Damn fine point. Hex would go for the kill, Dazzler would…dazzle.
Dazzler fires off a laser beam from her eyes into Jonah Hex’s brain before he can shoot.
Jonah Hex may be a badass, but he isn’t faster than the speed of fucking LIGHT. 🙂
@WonderAli Awesome I was just thinking of that. You beat me to it.
I can also see Hex not lifting a finger and his man squeeze Tallulah Black shooting Dazzler.
Thanks guys! Know I can only see them making out, of her tongue going inside his missed up hole thing in the side of his face. It would most likely boil down to them making out however, or with Dazzler shot dead within a few moments. You know, one or the other.
@TheNextChampion: sorry man, I dint know that thunder was yours. It was just lying there honest. I would give it back but I already sold it to Matt Fraction.
Ha ha Edwards post was deleted,it was a tad wrong but there was a turn of phrase in it too nasty for it not to be kind of funny.
Anyway,my money is on Dazzler.Hex shoots her music box which in her drunken state pushes her into a rage. She channels the noise of the shot into a blast that is impulsively aimed to go right through his head.He falls to the ground,she slurs something about "damn cowboy broke my friggin’ music box",pulls out a ghetto blaster from behind the bar and starts robot dancing to 80’s electro.
dazzler. Cause she has boobs.
Here’s the key question: Would Dazzler really be in a strange little cantina all by herself?
Not wanting to waste any of her own booze, she grabs a stale beer off the bar and arrogantly splashes it in his face. Jonah is getting really annoyed, but he doesn’t want to bother with this right now. He turns to leave and gets whacked in the side of the face by an A-sharp in the form of a radiantly glowing purple triangle. Grrrr…. He fires at the music box. The bullet flies clean through, doing no damage, ricochets off a spit-pot, ricochets again off the barkeep’s belt buckle, and hits Jonah Hex in the center of his left butt-cheek. Dazzler starts guffawing as blue sparkles of laughter dance along the bar. Hex staggers up to her and fires again at point-blank range. The gun misfires and explodes, blowing his hand off. Out of the men’s room comes Longshot who asks, "What did I miss?"
I just realized all of Dazzler’s "constructs" in this story are Lucky Charms… awesome.
See, Ali gets it.
Actually, Dazzler making Lucky Charms constructs is perfect! She just has to team up with Banshee or Syrin and use their screams to make her Irish stereotypes.
I remember when they introduced the purple horsehoe. It was a big deal.
I’m pretty sure I never actually ate Lucky Charms until the dining hall at college. You could put them over your ice cream. Awesome.
How about Jonah Hex vs. Hex Bolts (Scarlet Witch).
Marvel tried to make dazzler a cross-promotional character when she was new. How bout Dazzler-O’s? Try ’em kids! They sparkle when ya crunch ’em!
dazzler takes a deep breath to start singing, and jonah hex shoots her in the vocal chords, muting her. dazzler uses the sound of the gunshot to create a sound wall to hit hex. hex shoots her in the head, killing her. he then grabs her mike and starts singing "ghost riders in the sky". tremendous applause from crowd.