Top 5: Weird Romances

Given enough breathing room, the world loves its star-crossed lovers. And in comics, many of them have even crossed stars together. This week, let's take a moment to celebrate the more unlikely pairings of lusty vigilantes who fight crime by night and squeeze between the panels for some afternoon delight. 

5. The Thing & Alicia Masters

Hey, Remember that time Lionel Richie fell for that blind girl in his class and it turned out she was really into him too, and she made that ugly ass Easter Island clay bust of his face? This isn't exactly like that, but whatever. While Hank McCoy and Agent Brand are embarking on their own Beauty and the Beast fling in the pages of S.W.O.R.D. and Astonishing X-Men, this is the rocksteady original. Listen, you don't have to be blind to fall for the ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing, but it sure helps. The real concern is what happens next. It's that hypothetical conjecture into supernatural anatomy that everyone's at least thought about and many have spun into lurid internet fiction. Avalanche! 

 

4. Stargirl & Billy Batson

If you're Jay Garrick, the last thing you want to see is sweet little Courtney Whitmore getting hit on by some punk kid like Billy Batson, but why is Captain Marvel always sniffing around too? All of a sudden Superman's got the edge in the battle of the wholesome, milquetoast strongmen and Big Red's taking the real walk of shame from the Brownstone. Mind your Fawcett. 

 

 

3. Scarlet Witch & Vision

In the Ultimate universe, Scarlet Witch is all V.C. Andrews for her brother Quicksilver, but we're shooting for Wundagore weird and not Appalachian awful. In the good ol' Marvel U, Wanda bewitches the hottest appliance in the Avenger's mansion (sorry, Jarvis' new waffle press) the Vision. Sprockets are sprung, and with a little hocus pocus, they eventually have twin boys with lifetime warranties. Given recent madness, trojan horses and data loss, they've seen better days. Hopefully a full system update is in the works. 

 

 

2. Silk Spectre II & Doctor Manhattan 

A little blueballing's no excuse to cheat on your girlfriend with yourself. 

 

 

1. Swamp Thing & Abby Arcane

The hauntingly beautiful telepath Abby Arcane brings new meaning to the term "tree hugger." In the 80s she fell hard for her uncle's nemesis Swamp Thing, a sentient plant elemental who believes himself to be the late scientist Alec Holland. After he saved her from a number of scrapes and her first husband Matt Cable turned into a vegetable of another sort, they decided to put down some roots. Their trippy wedding involved an hallucinogenic tuber and some wild cosmic frond play. They even spawned a daughter with the help of John Constantine and some empathic seed shuffling. He's gone to hell and back to be with her and she's had to repot and nurture him back from a bulb. Their love is more than perennial; baby, it's evergreen. 

Comments

  1. I love that issue in Swamp Thing were Abby and Swampy have thier first,er..’intimate’ moment. Trippy fun.

    Other honorable mentions: Howard the Duck and Beverly. She is a super hot girl who could have whoever she wants, and she wants a DUCK! TRAPPED IN A WORLD HE NEVER MADE!

  2. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    I’m gonna tell ya right now, this could easily have been a top 20.

    Comet the Super-Horse and Supergirl? Hawkman and Harkgirl? Jonah Hex and Saturn Girl? 

  3. That picture of Captain Marvel is priceless, as was the blurb

  4. Paul you’re showing your age with that Lionel Ritchie reference

  5. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    Age? How about taste? Timeless and true. 

  6. I never got the whole Alica Masters/Thing pairing, if only in the whole Kevin Smith/Mallrats… ummm… thing.

  7. Paul that is one hilarious line about Scarlet Witch:

    "In the Ultimate Universe, Scarley Witch is all V.C. Andrews for her brother…"

    The weirdest, at least on this list, still has to be The Thing and Alicia. Ben is nothing but soild rock….even if she is blind how can anyone fall in love with that? Her hands must be callous from all the rough…..eh nevermind.

  8. Comet and Supergirl is so much worse than Thing and Alicia.

  9. Thor does not look pleased at that Scarlet Witch Vision wedding.

  10. I only read Len Wein’s first 10 issues pf Swamp Thing. So Abigail Arcane and Swampy get together, huh? Makes me want to start reading the rest of Swamp Thing. Are those Alan Moore books that are coming out a good place to start or is there a lot more before that?

  11. @samuraigrifter you can start with the Alan Moore stuff without having read anything else. I did that as well as several others and we got along fine.

    Also Alan Moores Swamp Thing is really a must read for comic fans. I think it’s safe to say that without it there might not have been a Vertigo line. It was labeled "Sophisticated Comics" then and truly lives up to that idea. 

  12. @TimmyWood  He’s just thinking about how he’ll have to baby sit Iron Man during the reception.

    "Seriously Thor, this is only my second glass. Hey, are your mom and dad back together yet? Ooooh crab cakes."

  13. @Paul – Super funny. 

    @kndoubleu – It’s undertandable why "Comet the Super-Horse and Supergirl" were left out. It’s really an awful romance and super super creepy. 

  14. How aprorpos that this comes out on the day I plan to propose to my girlfriend. Well played, sir.

    -J.

  15. @JamesSeals Good luck sir. Let us know how it goes.

  16. I’m telling you, if Doctor Manhhattan gone all three-some Laurie would never have noticed he was still working in the other room.

  17. *hadn’t gone

    sorry

  18. @RoiVampire: My thanks, and I will!

    -J.

  19. Ha! Great list. Honorable mention: Beast and Dazzler from the 80s. They even had a 4 issue mini "Beauty & the Beast" which was quite enjoyable (They fight Loki, if I recall). 

  20. My head hurts from all those Swamp Thing plant puns. Gah!

  21. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @ActualButt – At the end of the day, we’re all gluttons for pun-ishment. 

  22. This post makes my Fawcett uncomfortable.

    @Paul – When are we going to see the other 15? 

  23. Don’t forget Stature and The New Vision from the Young Avengers. Apparently this iteration of The Vision is Iron Lad’s sentient armor which he stole from his future self: Kang the Conquerer.

    …so for those of you having brainfarts like me: she’s basically in love with stolen sentient armor from the future.

  24. Good article. 

     The first thing that came to mind before I started reading was Sahara and Obediah Horn from Elephantmen. Sahara is a bootylicious bleeding heart, whereas Odediah is a ruthless talking rhinoceros. 

  25. Ever since I read about Vision and Scarlet Witch, I was just like….huh?? That chick is dysfunctional.  Like severely.  Then she goes and plays find the arrowhead with Clint Barton.  Even more dysfunctional….probably.

  26. This list is totally dead on, but you know what’s weird?  There were years and years of comics, from John Byrne onward, made on the assumption that Wanda must have been screwed up for dating a robot.

    Then they remade Vision as a Young Avenger and had him hook up with Stature, who’s one of the most level-headed, functional teens in comics.  What?

    (FWIW, I think the Vision & the Scarlet Witch maxiseries is one of the most amazingly awesome things in the history of comics and anyone who feels differently hates joy).

  27. Wait, didn’t Immortus perform the ceremony for Wanda and Vision? And he’s a future version of Kang, the younger version of which is who built and wore the sentient armor. So now Stature is romantically involved with the guy who married her boyfriend to his ex.

  28. GREAT idea, Paul.  awesome awesome