OFFICIAL DOCUMENT: Marvel’s Dracula Already Legally Dead!

You are no doubt wondering why I've gathered you all here this afternoon.

Well. I've discovered something shocking. Please sit down. Just sit.

As we've previously reported, next week was to see the publication of Marvel's Death of Dracula one-shot, a prologue of sorts to their next universe altering status quo, a story which would continue in the pages of X-Men #1 and the Curse of the Mutants arc.

That was to be the case.

But then while browsing the letter column of Doctor Strange #67 from October of 1984, I stumbled upon a document which could tear a comics company asunder. Printed in those final pages of Doctor Strange #67 is a notice certifying the deaths of one Vlad Dracula and "all true supernatural vampires" of the Marvel Universe.

I reproduce that certificate herein:

You will note that it is signed by writer Roger Stern, editor Carl Potts, and then editor-in-chief Jim Shooter. Even the VP of publishing signed it!

This constitutes either a fraud or a conspiracy. It's practically a new Brad Meltzer plot.

This means that as of the mid 80s, Marvel's Dracula is dead. He's no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone on to meet his maker. He is bereft of life, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible. The vampire missiles from the moon? A sham! And he's certainly not available to be murdered next week. He isn't even allowed to drive in the state of New York, let alone be assassinated.

*Of course this means that the book and all associated story lines will have to be cancelled. If any have slipped through the printing process, you probably ought to return them for a Deadpool variant.

As for an alternative to the monstrous status quo, may we recommend a vast Wendigo conspiracy? I think we just did.

 

 

* not really

Comments

  1. Loving the Flying Circus references.

  2. Wow….That’s dedication.

  3. His metabolic processes are now history!

  4. Who knew that being a prolific comic book writer in the ’80s also allowed you time to be a coroner. Sure must have beat those "Hollywood" jobs comic writers are forced to take these days just to make ends meet.

  5. What’s Blade gonna do now?  I, for one, am hoping for a buddy comedy NBC series starring opposite Christopher Lloyd.

  6. Gasp!

    Black Lantern Dracula?

  7. "…while browsing the letter column of Doctor Strange #67 from October of 1984"? Set the scene for me, here.

  8. Why does this feel like an idea for a wrestling storyline?

  9. so you’re saying this is an ex-vampire?

  10. I don’ tknow how we did it, but we made the site more nerdy. That’s a real accomplishment.

  11. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    It’s not like I went looking for it. It was just there! 

  12. Thank you. It made me laugh on a shitty day. Thank you!

  13. @PaulMontgomery Apparently, you didn’t read/pay attention to Captain Britain and MI:13. (Don’t feel bad, you weren’t the only one) Blade mentions that he accidentally brought back all the vampires, including Vlad. (Presumably, this happened in his short-lived solo series)

    With this information now brought to light, I assume that all articles on how Marvel Comics should cancel all vampire books will deleted.

  14. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    But the cancellation of MI-13 voids that transaction. Premature cancellation establishes an alt pocket reality. The legality of the above proclamation has been retroactively rebound. 

    Also, since when is Blade a notary?  

  15. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    Also, shut up, it’s been a while. 

  16. You win geek of the day award! I never win geek of the day.

  17. "He’s not in the bus, he IS the bus"

  18. Yeah, Blade brought all the vampires back (Tepes included) in his last, somewhat short-lived, ongoing solo book. Very few people read it of course.

    And then he was rather deaded again by Excalibur in  Captain Britain & MI13. His return – only to offed again – sounds like a potential editorial cock-up to me…

  19. The Guggenheim/Chakin series? Naw, the vampires were back waaaay before that. They came back in late 89/early 90 during the "Vampiric Verses" arc in Dr. Strange. Dracula imself came back in that really weird TOMB OF DRACULA mini from Epic Comics.

    But Paul has uncovered the 5 minute solution to the Big Vampire Corssover: The Montesi Formula! Poof no more vampies. No more problem. 

  20. This is my new favorite post/thread on iFanboy. I have actually laughed out loud multiple times. Thank you, P-Money for giving us this truly fantastic gift. Also, props to the Marvel Editors for the Oz reference.