COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Clark Kent

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation is:

Name: Clark Kent

Occupation: Reporter

Employed by The Daily Planet

Evaluated by Staff of the Daily Planet

The following is an excerpt from the book STOP THE PRESSES: AN ORAL HISTORY OF THE DAILY PLANET written by Tom Shales and David Andrew Miller.

Perry White, Editor in Chief: You are asking me about Clark Kent? He is one of the best reporters I have, when he is around that is.

Lois Lane, reporter: I have been honored to work with Clark on several occasions. Great guy, a little strange I think due to his country bumpkin upbringing but still a good guy.

Jimmy Olsen, photographer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Clark but you know who I also know? Superman. That’s right. I am buddies with him. Don’t you want to know more about our awesome friendship?

Ron Troupe, Political Columnist: We all like Clark around the office. He is a really nice guy but…oh how do I put this in a nice way…

Steve Lombart, Sports: …He is freaking weird! I am always trying to get Clark to let loose. I brought beer into the office the other day after the Metropolis Meteors clinched their division and he wasn’t that into it. I was like, Clark what are you a Metropolis Monarchs fan? And he said “Yes, yes Steve I am.” The Monarchs? Nobody likes the Monarchs! What a weirdo.

Cat Grant, Gossip Columnist: I have been trying to get dirt on Clark since he walked into this place. I can’t find a thing. Nobody is that clean. Nobody. He is too nice. Only people who are serial killers are that nice.

Lana Lang, Business editor: Why don’t you guys leave him alone…..

Perry White: One day, I was working late. It was just me and Clark in the office that night. I thought Clark had left to go home. So, I headed to the utility closet. Don’t print this part but I have cigars and booze hidden through out the entire Daily Planet office. Just in case. I have some Jim Beam in the ceiling tiles in the breakroom. I have some cigars behind the copy machine. I have a fifth of Johnny Walker in the tank of the handicap stall in the bathroom. All over the place, hidden. Anyways, I was on my way get a Romeo y Juliet cigar I had tucked away in the utility closet. I open the door, and there is a pile of clothes just lying on the floor. A suit, dress shirt, dress pants, shoes, socks. It was Clarks suit! I knew it because I had complimented him on it the earlier that day. His clothes, just laying there on the floor and Clark running around naked somewhere. Come to think of it, I never brought this up to him. I got distracted with some news about Superman stopping an alien attack or something.

Lois Lane: Did Clark ever go to the utility closet to change? Not that I know of. I wouldn’t be suprised. He has some weird quirks. For instance, he is the only person I know that still uses a phone booth. We all pitched in a bought him a cellphone last year for his birthday. He looked confused  and asked where the keypad was. We explained that it was an iPhone with a touch screen. He touched the screen once and it shattered. Apple products. I tell ya.

Jimmy Olsen: So one time, I was in a jam. I got sent to Apokalips by Darkseid, you’ve heard of him right? Evil guy. Anyways, I was imprisoned there and Superman saved me…no it’s spelled differently. A-P-O-K…

Ron Troupe: As strange as Clark is, he is a great reporter. We have had situations where I thought, there is no way we are going to get a good story on this. We just didn’t have an vantage point to it but then Clark would come in the next day with a full report of whatever crisis, alien invasion or super villian attack that had happened, all typed up and all sources cited. He would wow us all the time.

Lois Lane: Okay, yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, he is really good but did he get that interview with Superman? No! That was all me. Still, our highest selling paper of all time was the one where I interviewed Superman. I just want to remind you guys of that.

Perry White: Lois and Clark have a healthy and competitive rivalry. I encourage it probably more than I should.

Lois Lane: It is more than a rivalry. I am constantly picking up his share of the work around here when he just disapears because of some emergency.

Lana Lang: He has a lot going on. Why does everyone pick on him so much?

Steve Lombard: There was a time when Clark disapeared for a whole year.

Cat Grant: We all swore he was dead. He just stopped showing up to work. He is the only person in the office who could get away with that.

Lois Lane: Then he waltzs back in here one day with some story about researching a lost explorer in the amazon and how he also got lost and how thankful he feels to be alive.

Perry White: To be perfectly honest I barely even noticed he was gone.

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah, I was pretty bummed when Superman died, we were best bros you know. Yeah, Clark was gone for a while too but Supes and I were close! He is in my top eight friends on myspace. Myspace is making a comeback by the way. Never left. M-Space represent.

Ron Troupe: We love Clark around here. I can’t imagine the office without him. Although I got made fun of once when I said he looked a little like Superman.

Steve Lombard: Ron sends an email with a picture of Clark and a picture of Superman and says “Hey don’t they look a little alike?” Ha! What a dummy!

Cat Grant: I don’t know what was going through Ron’s head. They look nothing alike.

Jimmy Olsen: Oh the infamous Clark/Superman comparison. Oh man, they both look so different.

Ron Troupe: They would not let me live that down. They bring it up all the time.

Perry White: I think Ron had gotten into my Jim Beam that day.

Lana Lang: Yeah, it was pretty silly.

Lois Lane: Hahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahah, oh man. I have to take a breath. I had forgotten about that. Schlubby, clumsy, legally blind Clark Kent is Superman! HA! What a joke. Oh Ron, what a joke.

Ron Troupe: I wish I had never sent that email.

Employee Response:
Hey everyone. I know it is a fun new fad but I would appreciate it if you ladies would stop wearing that Kryptonite jewelry. Not that I am allergic or anything, I just find it very distracting in the workplace.
Thanks,
Clark
p.s. I won’t be in tomorrow.

 

---

Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer who has written many Comic Book Job Evaluations. He is taking a break from them for the time being. He hopes you enjoyed reading them this past year as much as he enjoyed writing them. He is on twitter often and will be attending NYCC. If you see him, say ”hi”!