COMIC BOOK JOB EVALUATIONS: Popeye, the Sailor Man

Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation is:

Name: Popeye

Occupation: Sailor

Evaluated by Gabey, Chip and Ozzie

GABEY: NEW YORK! NEW YORRRRKKK!
CHIP: NEW YORK NEWWWW YORK!
OZZIE: It’s a wonderful town!

GABEY: Say fellas, before we go on shore leave, gather round so I can tell you about a sailor I met once!
CHIP: Yeah! I love when you tell stories Gabey!
OZZIE: Ah, shucks. I want to go on shore and meet some dames.
GABEY: His name was Popeye and he was one of the most interesting sailors I had ever met!

APPEARANCE
CHIP: Why was he called Popeye?
GABEY: He only had one eye…I think. Well, at least he always had one eye shut. I always assumed that eye was shut because he was missing an eyeball in that socket.
CHIP: Gross.
OZZIE: I knew a dame with one eye once.
CHIP: Ozzie, can you get your mind off dames for one second? Gabey is telling a story.
OZZIE: But…but…shore leave guys?

DEMEANOR
GABEY: Anyways, he was also unique in the fact that he was always muttering stuff under his breath.
CHIP: So you wouldn’t be able to understand him?
GABEY: Kind of. He would say it low but still audible and fast. Like all the words run together.
CHIP: I don’t follow.
GABEY: Like…um he went a little like this “Aigotchagotchagotcha”
CHIP: He said “Gotcha” a lot?
GABEY: No! He just had a weird way of speaking!
OZZIE: Guys, imagine how great this conversation would be if we were not here on the boat, but instead were at a bar and we were talking to dames and we weren’t talking about this Popeye fellow. Imagine, how fun that would be.
CHIP: Ozzie, let Gabey finish.
GABEY: Thank you, Chip.

STRENGTH
CHIP: So this guy is missing an eye. Mutters a lot of nonsense under his breath…
OZZIE: ..keeps us from hanging out with dames..
CHIP: This guy doesn’t sound like a great sailor to me, Gabey.
GABEY: I am not finished! Getting to the best part. So, whenever he is in a jam, he takes out a can of spinach. Eats it and he gets super strength. I saw him push an entire beached whale into the ocean all by himself.
CHIP: All from spinach?
GABEY: All from spinach.
OZZIE: Are we done?
GABEY: You know Ozzie, if you want to go on your shore leave, you can just go. You don’t need to wait around for us.
CHIP: Yeah, Ozzie just go meet dames if that’s what you are so eager to do.
OZZIE: You guys…you guys know I am shy. (Sigh) Fine, I will just wait until you are done with your stupid story. I bet this Popeye didn’t know any dames either.

DAMES
GABEY: On the contrary! He had one dame in particular.
OZZIE: Now, we are talking! What was her name?
GABEY: Olive Oil.
OZZIE: Weird but I can be okay with that.
GABEY: She was really skinny. Like really skinny. See that broom over there. Skinnier than that broom.
OZZIE: Was…was she sick or something?
GABEY: No. Oh and she had this real high voice.
OZZIE: She sounds kind of annoying.
GABEY: And this big strong guy named Bluto was in love with her so he always tried to beat up Popeye for her affections.
OZZIE: I’m no longer interested in this girl. Okay. That’s it. I am going on shore leave. You guys can sit and talk about this Popeye fellow. Bye.

FINAL THOUGHTS
CHIP: Wow, what an interesting sailor.
GABEY: Thought you would like him, Chip.
CHIP: So, I guess we should go on shore leave now…
GABEY: Yeah, I guess…
CHIP: Unless you have more Popeye stories!
GABEY: OH. Yeah sure! Well he had this fat freeloading friend named Wimpy, who just loved burgers….
CHIP: I love burgers! LET’S NEVER GO ON SHORE LEAVE!
GABEY: Okay!

POPEYE’S RESPONSE
Heytherehowyoudoing? Ohyoulikemyboat? Whythankyou. Isaidwhythankyou. NoIwon’tspeakuporslowdown. It’snotmyfaulthatyoucan’tunderstandwhatIamsaying. What? What? Wellthatisveryrudeofyoutosay. Veryrude. Gooddaytoyouthen.

Timmy Wood is a writer and comedian who lives in New York City. Follow him on Twitter, you won’t regret it!