A Marvel Guy Rates The DC Books: Week Four

I’m not a new reader, but where DC is concerned I might as well be.

Whether it started as brand loyalty, Spideyphilia, or just an aversion to Crises, my love of comics started with Marvel books and stayed that way for a long time. Over the years, I’ve broadened my horizons from Dark Horse to Dynamite, but for some reason no matter how omnivorous I tried to be DC’s titles never stayed on my pull list for long. From The Flash to Green Lantern to Action itself, I always failed to connect with the stories and lost interest. Was it the baggage? Was it the writers? There was no better time to find out than this month.

I’m going to be straight with you, True Believer: the last two books I read in week 3 were Catwoman and (ugh) Wonder Woman. I found the former so perplexing and the latter so atrociously horrendous that the one-two punch in the eyes soured me on this entire experience. There were already no books I was really looking forward to in week 4, but the Terrible Two left such a tangy aftertaste that I spent the following week actively dreading this like a term paper. How’s that for full disclosure? Let’s do this thing!!!

Blackhawks

What Made Me Try It: Mike Costa took a G.I. Joe book that should have been a ludicrous embarrassment for a grown man to read in public and made it into perhaps the best series of the year. The same writer + adjacent subject matter + less cultural baggage = READER VICTORY.

What I Knew Before I Bought It: Who the writer was, and also that it was probably not about hockey in Chicago.

What I Thought About It: Blackhawks is in Costa’s wheelhouse; it’s a book about a special ops team in a world full of Supermen that doesn’t end up sounding dopey. As someone who didn’t know what a Blackhawk was, I thought the book did a lot of work with relatively few pages. It reminded me a bit of the beginning of Battlestar Galactica, in a way: you’re getting up to speed on a mission, command structure, and base full of characters all at the same time. It hooked me with some action up front that also gave me a sense of the kinds of missions this team gets assigned. Seeing everyone doing their jobs gave me a sense of the team dynamic and personalities involved, and their radio chatter served to satisfy my increasingly stringent who-am-I-looking-at-and-why requirement. Later, a persnickety diplomat needs a tour of the base, so we get one too. There are a something like eleven people in the cast, but we get a sense of what their lives are like and a taste of some compelling problems they’ll face, all without the story slowing down. See? It’s not rocket science, ya Amazonian goose egg.

Will I Stick With It?: It looks that way. I’ve met these guys, but do I like them? Will that matter? The “promise” part is handled; now, for the “living up to it” part.

I, Vampire

What Made Me Try It: I… do not know. I was jonesing for a look at the dark corners of this world? The previous week had burned my superhero receptors to shriveled, crumbling nubs? I liked Fialkov’s Tumor? All I know is that I saw it on the list and thought, “The title sounds like a book from 1974. I think that will do nicely.”

What I Knew Before I Bought It: It’s probably about vampires. I’ll bet it’s told from their point of view. Hey: is that the guy who wrote Tumor?…

What I Thought About It: On one hand, I, Vampire did not give me much that I haven’t gotten from a variety of other media on the same subject. The “rules” were straight out of Bram Stoker (which from this pop culture vantage point is sort of refreshing, actually; at least nobody sparkled) and the female lead would have been right at home as a Buffy Big Bad. On the other hand, the writer and artist took these basic ingredients and whipped up a confection that was both oddly affecting and creepier than either Animal Man or Swamp Thing a few weeks earlier. The visuals in those books were striking, but this was the one that had me mind-shouting, “Look out! They’re right behind you!” at a piece of paper. (Of course, I have to deduct points for actually using the line, “They’re right behind me, aren’t they?” That’s one of those pieces of dialogue that, the next time someone says it, balloons should drop from the ceiling: “Congratulations! You are the 4,000,000th customer to type that line.”) All in all, the book effectively introduces its two-person cast and draws you into the seemingly insurmountable central conflict in a way that compels you to ask, “How is this poor bastard going to get out of this one?” and keep reading.

Will I Stick With It?: I need to know how the poor bastard is going to get out of this one. Hopefully, it’s not by remembering that a guy with heat vision lives a couple towns over and could end the vampire race in an afternoon.

Justice League Dark

What Made Me Try It: I think of Justice League as the squarest, squeaky-cleanest, most nutritious high-fiber part of your complete breakfast. The idea of a twisted, haunted funhouse-mirror take on that concept appeals mightily to the Superman skeptic in me. Also, the title reminds me of M&Ms, which are delicious.

What I Knew Before I Bought It: I’ve heard Josh talk about Constantine. I have a handle on Deadman, having read as much of Brightest Day as I could. I didn’t so much as know the name of anyone else in the book.

What I Thought About It: Ohhh, mercy.  Listen: there are parts of this book that work. It opens with a two-page spread that made me exclaim, “Wow, yikes, here we go!” and there are melting girlfriends and rains of teeth and ominous envelopes that are certainly very effective visuals. Unfortunately, the issue is also full of some lengthy mood killers. There is a love triangle in this book between a woman, a man, and a vest. It is unintentionally so soap-opera-parody hilarious that I quite literally had to set the book aside and walk away to regain my reading composure. (“Don’t walk away from me! Just for once, don’t listen to your vest!” “Don’t you think I’d like that? Don’t you think I’d like to walk away from this DAMNED VEST?!”) Shortly thereafter, there’s a sequence featuring Superman, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg that has to be seen to be believed: the three of them are discussing how ill-equipped they are to handle magic when suddenly a forty-foot witch appears in the sky and roars at them, in no way interrupting their conversation or even causing them to change their tones of voice or facial expressions. Horrifying teeth-rain ensues, and Wonder Woman remarks, “Superman, you’re being sliced to ribbons!” (Psst! Wonder Woman! I’ll bet he knows.) These scenes are standouts in a book that shares a storytelling approach with Ciphers on Parade Wonder Woman: little to no sense is given of who any of these people are or why they’re doing any of these things, and the book is liberally sprinkled with narration boxes written like fortune cookies, except for a lone page that breaks the flow by abruptly switching perspectives like a page of Constantine fell into the printer and then immediately switches back without a hint of context. I am guessing that page may have been intended to explain where John Constantine has been in DC continuity, for all us new readers who never knew he was missing and still aren’t entirely sure who he is. This is also the second book that had a chance to give me two lines of introduction to Madame Xanadu and took a pass. For all I know, that thing with the vest is heart-wrenching if you’ve been reading the characters for years, but shall we not then just acknowledge that this “first issue” was actually written for a forty-year-old dude with a shelf full of Absolute Editions and stop jerking me around? Let’s.

Will I Stick With It?: The first arc may end up cohering, but I will never know.

Fourth Book

What Made Me Try It: Actually, you know what…? Nah. I’m good here.