Top 5: Super Villains to Avoid Choosing as Your High School Lab Partner

For my money, the worst lab partner in North America is a guy named Craig Shoemaker who, for the sake of professionalism, I’ll simply refer to as Craig K. Shoemaker. For one, Craig had really poor handwriting and always managed to get the lab sheets damp, even in the first week. He wasn’t particularly industrious either, though he did manage to wad up several fist-sized Airhead planets. “Blue Raspberry mantle and a cherry core, yo!”

Luckily, Craig is no longer a student. I think he works at a law firm downtown now. He wears blue docksiders. So he can’t make this list of worst possible super villain lab partners.

5. Man-Bat

Kirk Langstrom is a world-class scientist, so the allure of choosing the guy is understandable. But on a subconscious level, Kirk is never not trying to turn himself back into a savage werebat. It’s like his thing. He will hijack the assignment, whatever the discipline, and start filling syringes with whatever chemicals he can. His methodology is even more dubious than Curt “The Lizard” Connors, and lacks even a fraction of the pathos. Plus, constantly shirtless and upside-down.

4. Mr. Freeze

Again, distractions and an incessant need to steer an innocuous assignment towards pet projects like cryogenics. If Victor could just stop scrawling NORA NORA NORA all over his trapper keeper, you might be able to parse the ribosomes and the mitochondria in this worksheet. He’s supposed to be some brain, able to rattle off each stop in the Krebs cycle like they’re Santa’s reindeer. And he never takes off those goggles. Like ever.

3. Kraven the Hunter

Look. You want to scurry down the gutter and out to the local woods to hunt your dissection specimens, regardless if it’s even that kind of experiment or not, be our guest. Tanning hides isn’t even on the sheet and Mrs. Dunlavey doesn’t actually offer extra credit. He also crouches on tables, which is super unseemly. Also, that accent is totally a put-on.

2. Rhino

Dumb. Hands like oven mitts.

1. Poison Ivy

It’s not just that she’ll lodge formal protests about various plant products used during the course of the semester. It’s not just that she’ll be texting Harley every five minutes to talk her down from meeting Mister J tonight. It’s not just that she’ll insist on passing beakers to you by summoning barbed vines. It’s the pheromones. You need to focus if you’re going to rent that house at the lake  this summer with Mark and Kyle and Jeff and Mark’s cousin and possibly Gerry because Gerry might cash those savings bonds from his aunt. And because Shelly has a short fuse. And you need a B in this.