EXCLUSIVE: Rejected WATCHMEN Products

Yesterday we saw the arrival of the Watchmen Toaster, which burns a Rorschach imprint onto your toast, and the comics internet exploded.

Building off the general negativity surrounding Watchmen since the announcement of DC Comics’ event Before Watchmen, many fans felt that this licensed product was too blatant of a commercial grab to capitalize on the work of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, which has become the lightning rod example of the creator rights issue and debate within comics.

But what many fans don’t know is that the Watchmen Toaster was just ONE of the many licensed product ideas that Dynamic Forces, DC Comics and Warner Bros. were planning.  Our intrepid reporters scoured the trash of those reputable companies and found the evidence of an entire product line centered around the Watchmen that, for unknown reasons, were scrapped at the last minute:

The Osterman Watch

For the man who wants to play with his own time.  Ultimately this watch was scrapped due to the fact that hundreds of gears would explode from the watch backing every time the clock struck midnight. There was also a “clotting concern.”

The Comedian’s Lighter

Every man needs a way to light his cigar. What better way than to use a true patriot’s freedom torch?

WARNING
: Use of this lighter may cause Southeast Asian villages to spontaneously burst into flames.

The Ozymandias Day Planner

Get everything done 30 minutes ago.

(There’s also an app for that.)

L’il Silk Spectre Make Up Kit

Every little girl needs a role model, and how better to live up to the example set by Sally Jupiter than by this make up kit for girls aged 7 to 14? And for little detectives, flip the eye shadow brush and spoolie for one-time use paternity test swabs.

Bubastis Cat Food

Every household cat yearns to have that freedom enjoyed by ol’ Bubastis, so why not let them with the leading cat food? Now in Squid flavor!

The Nite Owl “Nite on the Town” Intimacy Kit

Even super heroes play it safe, and no one plays it safer than Nite Owl. Each Nite Owl “Nite on the Town” Intimacy Kit comes complete with condoms, and herbal supplements to help…your performance. Plus, a redemption code for a mood enhancing Leonard Cohen music track download from the iTunes store. Hallelujah!

 

Dr. Manhattan Night Light

How better to assuage your kids’ fear of the dark than the cool, blue glow of Dr. Manhattan? As an added bonus, the Dr. Manhattan Night Light NEVER TURNS OFF EVER.

WARNING
: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to the Dr. Manhattan Night Light.  Discontinue use of the Dr. Manhattan Night Light if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, alopecia, slurred speech, spatial or temporal shifting, temporary blindness, God-ness, profuse sweating, erectile dysfunction and/or hyperfunction, or heart palpitations. When not in use, the Dr. Manhattan Night Light  should be returned to its special, lead-based container.

Comments

  1. SenatorSnake says:

    Ha! Thought this was real for a second.

  2. MitchGerads MitchGerads says:

    #slowclap

    M!

  3. Ali Colluccio Ali Colluccio (@WonderAli) says:

    Do not taunt Dr. Manhattan Night Light.

  4. Burritoclock Burritoclock says:

    This watchmen toaster filled my heart with warmth. After all the overblown holier than thou outrage over before watchmen I now enjoy watching this be done to Moore. I just picturing him sitting there on a couch, his laptop open. He see’s the toaster and suddenly his eyes snap in opposite directions, his head splits open and light pours out of it.

    • mickmac59 mickmac59 says:

      Are you familiar with the concept of schadenfreude? And yes, this article made me laugh.

    • Burritoclock Burritoclock says:

      I do not think that fits here. This is not pleasure from a slave being eaten by a lion or a homeless man unable to find food or even an innocent jogger tripping on the sidewalk. I take pleasure from this because I find Moore’s constant whining, pity parties, and blatant hypocrisy annoying. It’s closer to the pleasure someone feels when a congressman that relentlessly bashes gay’s and talks about the sanctity of marriage get’s caught soliciting gay sex in a mens restroom.

    • mickmac59 mickmac59 says:

      I don’t share your view of Moore, hence my question. But you’re obviously not one of those anonymous vitriol-spewing wastes of oxygen that populate the interwebs so I forgive you ;)

  5. In Korea there was a food company who was going to sell a Watchmen branded processed and frozen NAK-JI BO-KUM (spicy Octopus), but then the lawyers got involved. =) (i made all that up…or did i?)

  6. ScottB ScottB says:

    This is great stuff and actually makes more sense than a toaster. I really wish the lighter was real.

  7. stuclach stuclach says:

    I kinda want that nightlight.
    I also (secretly) kinda want that Nite Owl kit.

  8. I want a youtube video of Mel Brooks in full costume hawking all the Watchmen products. “MERCHANDISING!….Watchmen the Lunchbox, Watchmen the coloring book, Watchmen the Flame Thrower!…the kids love this one”

  9. JDC JDC says:

    Don’t forget the Archie Owlship Playset(tm)! Now with “a-rockin’” action. Warning: May discharge fire prematurely.

  10. Jeffc Jeffc says:

    I’m your only friend
    I’m not your only friend
    But I’m a little glowing friend
    But really I’m not actually your friend
    But I am

    Dr. Manhattan in the outlet by the light switch
    Who watches over you
    Make a little Dr. Manhattan in your soul

    This is now on repeat in my head.

  11. “HURM.”

  12. JDC JDC says:

    Also, I bet in the Watchmen universe, there’s cheap knock-offs of their action figures, like the Go-Bots or Action Rangers.

    They’d be called something like “The Clockmen.” Dr. Scientist, Evening Bird, Maskface, Soft Ghost, Funnyman and Rameses.

  13. JSAkid JSAkid says:

    The zippo is completely practical, I want one…..and the Dr Manhattan night light is missing a penis,lol

    • mrshock13 says:

      No it isn’t…it’s plugged into the socket. It’s another of his superpowers. He can turn is torso a complete 180 deg. around

  14. kennyg kennyg says:

    Ron, this was truly inspired and well written. I laughed a lot!

  15. bobby2889 says:

    God-ness! genius

  16. pppiquer pppiquer says:

    I really really really want a Dr Manhattan night-light

  17. itsbecca itsbecca says:

    Well done, sir.

  18. RobotZombie RobotZombie says:

    “Hello Complaint Department? I have an issue with my Dr Manhattan NitghtLight.”
    “No he doesn’t!”
    “Since I plugged it In I have been experiencing a severe case of bilocation”
    “Its fine. We don’t have a problem. Besides the wife loves it. ”
    “WILL YOU SHUT UP! “

  19. Not pictured, of course, is the Dr. Manhattan nightlight model with a penis for a switch.

  20. PraxJarvin PraxJarvin says:

    Hallelujah! indeed.

  21. WheelHands WheelHands says:

    Well done fellas.

    Sign me up for the lighter and the nightlight.

  22. thered thered says:

    hilarious! but seriously, you’d better copyright all of these before dc steals your work and makes a whole bunch of money off of it.

  23. fd fd says:

    I want the nightlight and the lighter. Seriously. Maybe on Etsy?

  24. I would totally buy one of those zippos. Oh, and who doesn’t need Bubastis cat food?!

  25. flakbait flakbait says:

    I feel like the nightlight missed an opportunity for creative placement of the light switch.

  26. Jesse1125 Jesse1125 says:

    The Lil’ Silk Spectre kit with swab for paternity tests ……..that’s just wrong

  27. IthoSapien IthoSapien says:

    All of these would have made much better Watchmen merch than a toaster. Tho personally I would buy the clock and Owlman enhancements. Wonder what Bubastis food tastes like?