Yesterday we saw the arrival of the Watchmen Toaster, which burns a Rorschach imprint onto your toast, and the comics internet exploded.
Building off the general negativity surrounding Watchmen since the announcement of DC Comics’ event Before Watchmen, many fans felt that this licensed product was too blatant of a commercial grab to capitalize on the work of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, which has become the lightning rod example of the creator rights issue and debate within comics.
But what many fans don’t know is that the Watchmen Toaster was just ONE of the many licensed product ideas that Dynamic Forces, DC Comics and Warner Bros. were planning. Our intrepid reporters scoured the trash of those reputable companies and found the evidence of an entire product line centered around the Watchmen that, for unknown reasons, were scrapped at the last minute:
The Osterman Watch
For the man who wants to play with his own time. Ultimately this watch was scrapped due to the fact that hundreds of gears would explode from the watch backing every time the clock struck midnight. There was also a “clotting concern.”
The Comedian’s Lighter
Every man needs a way to light his cigar. What better way than to use a true patriot’s freedom torch?
WARNING: Use of this lighter may cause Southeast Asian villages to spontaneously burst into flames.
The Ozymandias Day Planner
Get everything done 30 minutes ago.
(There’s also an app for that.)
L’il Silk Spectre Make Up Kit
Every little girl needs a role model, and how better to live up to the example set by Sally Jupiter than by this make up kit for girls aged 7 to 14? And for little detectives, flip the eye shadow brush and spoolie for one-time use paternity test swabs.
Bubastis Cat Food
Every household cat yearns to have that freedom enjoyed by ol’ Bubastis, so why not let them with the leading cat food? Now in Squid flavor!
The Nite Owl “Nite on the Town” Intimacy Kit
Even super heroes play it safe, and no one plays it safer than Nite Owl. Each Nite Owl “Nite on the Town” Intimacy Kit comes complete with condoms, and herbal supplements to help…your performance. Plus, a redemption code for a mood enhancing Leonard Cohen music track download from the iTunes store. Hallelujah!
Dr. Manhattan Night Light
How better to assuage your kids’ fear of the dark than the cool, blue glow of Dr. Manhattan? As an added bonus, the Dr. Manhattan Night Light NEVER TURNS OFF EVER.
WARNING: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to the Dr. Manhattan Night Light. Discontinue use of the Dr. Manhattan Night Light if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, alopecia, slurred speech, spatial or temporal shifting, temporary blindness, God-ness, profuse sweating, erectile dysfunction and/or hyperfunction, or heart palpitations. When not in use, the Dr. Manhattan Night Light should be returned to its special, lead-based container.