Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
Name: Uatu the Watcher
Occupation: A Watcher
Evaluated by: L.B. “Jeff” Jeffries
Look at this. Look at this guy. No, you gotta look right through the binoculars. Every day at this time he eats the same sandwich. Three o’clock on the dot. He makes a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then he cuts it into triangles and eats it with a large glass of milk. He does this every single day at three o’clock. I know because I have been sitting here watching all of these people through my rear window. I have gotten pretty good at it too. Some would call me a voyeur. A peeping tom. Well, I guess I can’t argue with those labels but I still feel like I am doing good. I look to my friend Uatu as a good model of what I am talking about.
Who or What is Uatu?
Uatu is a exterterrestial being who lives in outer space. Hey, wait where ya going? Come back here….No, I am not crazy….just listen. Uatu lives in outer space and he is a Watcher. They are these bald guys with big heads and glowing eyes and they wear these toga things. His whole job is to watch. Just watch us here on Earth. I think all the watchers keep a log of everything that we do. Who knows why? That’s his job. To just hang out on the moon and watch us here….oh hold on. Hold on. Look’s like The Lockhorns are getting into a fight again. That couple right over there in the duplex. Here look through the binocs. You’ll see. Why not? Fine! Don’t look. Suit yourself.
What is a Watcher?
Back to Uatu. His whole job is to watch and specifically to not interfere but guess what Uatu does time and time again? That’s right. He butts his big bald head into the situation and tries to help out. That’s a big no-no according to the Watcher creed. Uatu doesn’t care. He likes us humans too much to allow us to get devoured by Galactus or taken over by Skrulls….I’m sorry? Oh, Galactus is this giant purplely guy who eats planets whole. Just gobbles them up. Skrulls are a race of shape shifting…wait. Where ya going? Now come on.I’m being serious here. Come back in here. Come back. Sit down. At least let me finish telling you about Uatu.
Who Watches the Watchers
Don’t think he got away with all this interference. Oh no. He get’s in big trouble every time he is caught. The Watchers are a terribly run organization though. It seems to take a lot to get fired there. Uatu has interfered with Earth at least four hundred times. Each time The Watchers just slap him on the wrist, maybe suspend him for a few weeks with pay and then send him back into the field. You can get away with anything if you are watcher…look…look..look right there. That man. In the small apartment on the right. Now, I know this sounds crazy but..I think that man is John F. Kennedy. I know he is “supposedly” dead but he looks and and acts just like him. Where are you going! I am not crazy! Stay here!
Listen, this is the last I will say about Uatu. He’s a good guy. I am glad that we have someone who watches and isn’t afraid to jump in case it gets hairy. It makes me feel good about the world. Who know’s when something terrible is about to happen. Like when Thanos got the infinity gauntlet…oh you see, Thanos is this Titan who is obsessed with Death, literally. Anyways he get’s a hold of this glove which gives him absolute power and then has Mephisto, a high level demon, whispering in his…wait. Wait. No come back. I am not crazy. This is all true! Please don’t leave. I have a broken leg and….. Fine. I guess I will see what Little Miss LoneyHearts is up too. Oh, she is watching Twilight Zone. Oooh. I haven’t seen this one yet.
Watcher’s log, 230820382983: I am watching this man trying to convince this woman that I, Uatu, exist. She thinks him insane and rushes out. I could go down and help out. Prove him right. It would be my 603rd violation of the Watcher Code. Oh I just cannot resist! Okay, once more can’t hurt. What are they going to do? Fire me?
Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer who lives in New York City. He wishes his apartment had a view like the one in Rear Window. WATCH him on Twitter.