With Apologies…To Freelance Villainy


I am told that this is the best way to deal with my current unemployment. My therapist has urged me to share my victories and defeats (mostly defeats), with the world. This is why I went ahead and printed the rejection letter I got two weeks ago from A.I.M. It helped me feel like I am still a person "of value." The liberation I felt in sharing the rejection has moved me to make a monumental choice in my life. I am going freelance.

In the days after receiving the rejection letter I had to do a lot of soul searching. I sat with my wife and my pastor to have a long discussion about what I want out of my life. There is only one thing I have ever wanted. Since I was a child I have dreamed of being a villain. Not a crook, a villain. I wasn't interested in amassing wealth, money was only a tool. Like a fine carpenter, I wanted to created sturdy and beautiful terror. As child I never imagined it would be this difficult to get into villainy. At that age you just imagine that you will get handed a magic orb, a cape, and given reign to terrorize a parallel dimension. My childhood dream never had room for the schooling, internships, and networking that would be required.

My parents just laughed at my dream. I can remember it in my mind's eye. My father laughing as he drives the pickup to my little league game, "You have two parents. We love you. You are well adjusted. Exactly how are you going to become a villain with that background? Now take the cape off before we get to the field. I don't want your coach to see you wearing that." It was that day that I learned that sometimes you just have to screw up your own childhood. That did not go as planned. I forced myself to do extra chores but my parents just ended up buying me a sweet bike in appreciation. I volunteered at the nearby coal mines, but they made me the official mascot and I become regionally famous. I even attempted to throw acid on myself, but it acted as a super-exfoliate and I ended up with great skin.

I didn't give up at that point. I knew that a solid villain education could probably make up for a good childhood. A villain college would provide me with the necessary technical skills to scare mankind to it's bones…or souls…or whatever sounds more dastardly. Every weekend was spent pouring over the brochures from Latveria Poly-tech Institute, Negative Zone University, and University of Luthor – Metropolis. Once again my parents were a major roadblock to my success. They were concerned that the schools were too far away from Wisconsin. The cultures would be different. They wouldn't be able to visit me often. Their incessant worries wormed their way into my brain. The day of my interview with the Doombot from LPI was a disaster. I spilled coffee on it within five minutes. The memories of that disaster flooded back to me as soon as I read the rejection note from A.I.M. I have always known there is a villain in me, but I can't seem to get anyone else to see it.

With villain college out of the picture, I ended up attending the University of Wisconsin – Madison and majoring in History. I figured that I could personally focus on the most villainous figures in history and maybe find an alternative path to evil. My advisor let me know that there wasn't really an Evil History focus available at the school, but that there is plenty of evil in a standard history class. That didn't stop me from trying to impress girls by letting them know that I was an Evil History major. Most of them seemed confused. They assumed that I was a standard History major that happened to also be evil. Usually I had to spend about ten minutes to get the whole thing sorted out, but by that point they had already left with an Evil Finance major.

After graduation I worked in the corporate accounting world. I got myself some more education and I gained some great real world experience. Evil never left my sights though. The real world experience I was gaining would provide me access into the realm of accounting for Evil. That really isn't all that different from Evil accounting, which really isn't all that far off from just being Evil. The A.I.M interview was going to be the culmination of my master plan. As per usual, I messed it up.

My pastor, Father Desaad, provided me with the perfect guidance after I recounted this history; "Tom, you are simply taking the road less travelled to evil. Maybe your brand of fear just isn't meant to be tamed by the man." He was right. I have spent my whole life following the standard plan for becoming a villain. Perhaps my destiny is to make my own path. To strike out into the world on my own, without the formal education and background that villainy usually requires. It was time to follow my cold, black heart.

That is why I am proud to announce that I am officially a freelance villain. My alias is Liquid Lord. I have bent all forms of liquid to my will. Water, beer, wine, wine coolers, mixed drinks, hard liquor, human urine, human blood, animal urine, animal blood, oil, gasoline, diesel….all that kind of stuff.  I haven't decided whether to go the technology route or the magic route, but that is my final goal. The goal line has to be set before you can score a touchdown, so I got to figure out who I am before I become me. My costume is going to be tight. I don't know what color, or style, but I know it is going to be very, very tight. Look out artists at conventions this summer! I see an idea for some commissions I might be requesting!

This weekend my wife and I are going to look at caves to rent. I got my name, so I need a lair. The liquid technology, or magic, or alien magic tech can't just be stored in our apartment. We are also checking out some abandoned bottling plants to see if any are in my price range. A fixer upper would be great for someone in my position. Maybe I could share the place with another local villain or two. If you are in the Worcester area and you are interested send me an email. Look for more updates here in the next couple months, or if things are going well check out the news!

Tom Katers isn't very craft oriented, so he is going to need someone to sew his costume. I will have to be wearing it at the time. That is how tight it is going to be.


  1. I think your mistake was being a history major. Engineering is where the evil is. I’m going into my third year and believe me, my soul is crushed and I have the upmost disdain for humanity.

  2. You won’t even need to sew your costume.  Just coat yourself in a high viscosity liquid (like an aqueous solution of polyvinylpyrrolidone).  Then you’ll always have slimy liquid at your disposal when you ambush superhero sweethearts.  Maye that’s too venom-like, but it would have its uses.  You could just carry a couple gallons in your backpack, canteen, or beer hat.  Then, you could liquipathically change into your costume at a moments notice.

    Note, you’ll probably be weak against cold based powers so I’d carry along some anti-freeze.   


  3. There is a really nifty cave on this island I keep hearing about.  Maybe you and Dr. Light could share it.  It is overflowing with water and light.  Just make sure you don’t smoke in it.

    I thought everyone knew that if you want to be TRULY evil you have to major in economics. Just like Osama Bin Laden, Sam Walton, Donald Trump, Tiger Woods, Mario Van Peebles, Bob Barker, Scott Adams, Mike Jagger, and stuclach.  All economics majors.  All unquestionably evil.  Looks like it’s time for some post graduate studies for Mr. Katers.

  4. Middle managers, the true face of evil, what school did these people go to? I declaring a jihad on these bastards today.

  5. All Hail Liquid Lord!!!

  6. Greetings from Lawyer Lad.  I have mastered paper in all its forms.  If you’d like to team up at some point, we could combine our powers and create some kind of moist ‘n pulpy spackle, which, when you think about it, would make an awesome smothering and/or concretizing agent.  Good luck with the cave.  I’ve got an office without a window in a high-rise.  Evil.  Kind of.

  7. The only problem with this plan is that your arch-nemesis is already dead.

  8. Great! I real life Deadpool in the making!

    Can u kick a co-workers butt for 5 bucks?

  9. Headline: Avenger’s quarterly picnic ruined!  All the sandwiches mysteriously soggy!  Beer gone flat!  Morale slipping.

  10. Sir,

    As Doctor Fluidity, I have spent a lifetime perfecting my mastery of fluids of all kinds. A master of both science and magic, I have, through the application of esoteric arts and arcane crafts, now achieved complete control over all fluids, from cerebro-spinal fluid, to maple sirup (yes, you can spell it with an "i") to such substances as bulletproof glass and magnetically-shaped plasma bubbles. In short, I consider your new nom de guerre to be an infringement of trademark, and as such, you can expect to hear from my solicitors (and/or robotic assassins). If I were you, I would stay away from maple sirup, toothpaste, and windows. That cave will soon be a worthwhile investment (barring of course, any unforeseen pyroclastic flows). You have found your nemesis, sir, and it is me. Your education in evil hereby commences.

    In passing, since we are now comrades, of a sort, might I recommend mixing spray-on tanner with Rit dye, or possibly adding food-coloring to liquid latex, to achieve the sort of costuming which befits your new status, that of my sworn enemy. Also, you will need some sort of tag line; I’m thinking of something like "Your assets are liquid now, you fools!" or something of the sort.

    Prepare to fell my wrath. My anger boils within me, and soon shall indeed spew forth, as the venomous bile of the vented spleen. 

    In parting, might I recommend a theme song for your new "Career of Evil"? 


    Yours in aqueous malice,

    Dr. F 

  11. I need to "take care" of some annoying neighbor….we’ll be in touch Liquid Lord

  12. I’ll share a lair with you, my evil alter-ego is Solid Sorcerer. Let us reign terror on this puny earth.

  13. Just don’t apply for an archnemesis job with the Dogwelder.

    You don’t f**k with the Dogwelder. 

  14. Liquid Lord,

    Did you try submitting an application to HYDRA?  I heard they lost an arm recently.