Perry White vs. J. Jonah Jameson
The JW Marriot bar was filled with the sounds of raucous laughter and tinkling glasses full of expensive scotch. The American Society of News Editors had ended its annual conference and men and women who really know how to tell war stories were doing so with great verve.
At one end of the bar, a large crowd gathered around the Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Planet. It's something that Perry White had grown accustomed to ever since his great metropolitan newspaper became the defacto chronicle of all things Superman. Perry White didn't mind the crowds because a born storyteller always loves to have an audience.
Just as Perry White finished up the umpteenth recounting of the time Superman lit his cigar from low Earth orbit, a great swell of laughter and cheers from across the bar stepped on his punchline. A bit miffed that the 15 minutes he just spent setting up his big joke were apparently wasted, Perry White craned his neck to see what was causing all the noise at the other end of the bar. He was not surprised in the least to see J. Jonah Jameson. The Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Bugle was clearly enjoying an equal amount of attention — his self-satisfied smirk was wrapped around an unlit cigar. Someone handed Jameson a tumbler filled with amber liquid and his smirk widened into a smile. Jameson nodded his head in thanks and that's when he noticed that Perry White's bemused expression was focused squarely in his direction.
Jameson bounded out of his cushioned seat and headed across the bar, and a flock of newspaper editors trailed behind him. Perry White stood to meet him and his crowd parted to allow the flat topped New Yorker unfettered access to White. No one wanted to miss the annual Perry White/J. Jonah Jameson alcohol-fueled argument. It was always one of the highlights of ASNE.
"How are things in New York, Jonah?"
"We've still got a bug problem, Perry."
The laughter from Jameson's side of the room irked White. "I'm surprised you even had time to come to the conference this year, Jonah. I figured you'd be too busy feeding your ego by tearing down good men and women." The bar fell silent. It was time for the show.
"You know, Perry, the one upside to this new digital world — a world that seems to have passed us old newspaper men by — is that soon enough the good men and women of Metropolis won't be subjected to the Daily Planet and its liberal idiocy and dangerously blind hero worship! It's the one thought that puts a smile on my face as I drift off to sleep every night." Jameson paused for a triumphal sip of expensive whiskey. "The downside is that the mongers down at the seaport are going to have to find something else to wrap their fish in." There was more laughter from his side of the crowd and when it ended Jameson added, "Although I hear that these days the writing has been so bad that the Daily Planet has smelled worse than the fish!"
Perry White set his own glass down on the table next to him and slowly began to roll up his sleeves.
"You know, Jonah, every year you come here and try to get my goat up by verbally abusing Metropolis and Superman. And despite the fact that I find you reprehensible in almost every way, i usually have a lot of fun mixing it up with you. Well, you can denigrate my city and you can make fun of our hero, but one thing I won't stand for, sir, is anyone insulting my paper."
Perry White vs. J. Jonah Jameson
Who Wins?
(Show your work)
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Perry swings, and though he has the reach and strength behind it, Jonah easily evades him, mostly due to the fact he’s insulted so many people he’s gotten used to ducking punches from people he’s insulted.
Perry takes a few more swings, and Jonah keeps back up and evading them, still insulting the Planet and White, saying how his grandmother was a better fighter, and she died about the same time that dame reporter Lane slept her way to a pulitzer.
Finally, Jonah has his back to the wall, and he realizes he might be in trouble. Perry smiles, puts the cigar in his mout and swings and… breaks his fist on the wall. He turns around and starts cursing. Never one to not kick someone when they’re down, Jonah pulls Perry’s vest over his head and goes all Hockey fight on him until he’s on the ground.
Jonah finally backs off and starts walking away and says "If you got yourself down and dirty more often, you might be able to handle yourself better, ‘Cheif’"
J. J. fights dirty, end of story. Advantage: Jameson.
Being a newspaper man myself, I’ve worked for each of these guys.
Jonah grabs his glass and throws it on the ground Samberg-style. "You want a piece of me, lil’ Jackie Cooper? Bring it, bitch!"
"Oh yeah? At least I still got a paper, Mayor Ed COCK!" Perry takes his cigar and shoves the lit end into Johah’s right eye, the sizzle of boiling eyeball and the smell of burning eyelashes filling the bar.
"You dick," Jonah exclaims. With his left hand, he grabs the crotch of Perry’s well-pressed but day-worn khaki pants, twisting and squeezing like he was making freshly-squeezed orange juice – the kind Lois drank every morning with her cigarette. Spitting melted eyeball goo away from his lips, Jonah utters, "Let’s see your Superman save you now. Maybe he’ll throw a cellophane S-sheild at me. What the f*** was that about anyway?"
Perry’s expression suddenly changes from one of great pain to one of great confusion. "You know, I thought that myself. And since when did Kryptonians develop teleportation powers?"
Jonah, easing his grasp on Perry’s gooey bits, says "You know, that Donner guy got it right the first time. They probably should have just let him keep going."
With blood now flowing again to all parts of his body, Perry looks sincerely at Jonah. "Sorry about the eye."
"It’s all good. I think the Hitler ‘stash will look even better with an eye patch. Sorry about the nuts."
"Buy you another whiskey?"
"This one’s on me," Jonah offers, putting his arm around Perry’s shoulder. "But really, what was up with that shield shit?"
"Hey, you’re one to talk. Did you see that Goblin mask? Yeah, it’s supposed to be a helmet, but really?"
"Nuclear Man?"
"All right, all right. How about that drink?"
@ActualButt ?Yeah, what he said.
Perry is a stand up guy so he’s not even gonna bother throwing the first blow. He’ll wait and see what Jameson brings to the table, which will be the drink in his hand. Perry takes a faceful of alcohol and two punches later he’s stumbled over a chair trying to make sense of the last few seconds. Jonah lights his cigar and walks out of the bar. Once in the elevator he begins to breath rapidly and he finally notices the frequency of his heartbeat. He fishes an orange pill bottle out of his pocket. He swallows two of them before depositing it back into his vest and leans against the elevator door. "Next year. Next year I’ll be nice."
ActualButt and RoiVampire nailed it. Jameson would put his cigar out in White’s eye.
I like changingshades version. However I think after the first swing from Perry, Jonah glasses him and then jumps on his back, punching him in the back of the head. At this point all the other editors wade in, Jonah fans taking on Perry fans, with the two titans fighting it out at the centre.
Perry throws Jonah off his back and kicks him in the ribs. Jameson rolls away, getting to his feet, only for White to throw him, cowboy style, down the bar, clearing all the glasses and bottles. As perry approaches and the chairs are flying in the background, JJ feigns dizzyness and then sucker punches Perry with two bottles of whiskey to the temples. Perry is down for the count and the more ruthless JJ fans are cleaning up the Perry fans. Jameson reaches down and picks up his battered cigar and lights it. "Typical lefty, liberal "superhero" fanboy. Cant handle his drink" Jonah then drops the lit cigar in Perry’s eye and leaves with the most attractive of the junior editors. With laughter ringing in his ear, Perry White begins to sob at the futility of his life.
Im not sure the last bit would happen, but its a nice thought.
JJ for the win!!!
Perry wins. He’s got the expierience and would be able to see both sides. It’s a crime that Ed Asner never played him.
I’d rather not offend either man, they both look like they could rip my head off.
The Bugle is the Post and Planet is the Times. Perry wins.
Jameson is all bluster. White would deck him once and the fight would be over. 😉
Going with Whit on this one. He doesn’t have a heart condition.
JJJ throws the first punch. Perry catches it. JJJ makes a feeble attempt with his other hand. Perry grabs it pulling them together. Too close for everyone else’s comfort, they find themselves in a loving embrace…
@stulach yeah, i think everyone who says White wins is forgetting just how crooked JJJ can be and how much he hates to lose at anything
In a fight of who’s the best editor/reporter? Ya, Perry would win. But in fistacuffs, JJ would whoop him. JJ has had to defend himself against almost all of Spidey’s foes at some point.
@lantern4life y’know i didn’t even consider that. i was going strictly off personality but yeah i have seen JJJ whoop some ass in my time. Didn’t he twist some dudes arm behind his back after he recovered from his most recent heart attack. I think it happened right before he was elected Mayor in ASM
JJJ Jr. wins for supporting staff alone. He’s surrounded himself with talent, even talent that heartily disagrees with him point of view — Robbie Robertson possibly the best editor ever; Ben Urich* undoubtedly the best investigative reporter; Betty Brant, a top-notch secretary turned reporter; Peter Parker a great photogra- well, a person who takes pictures.
Perry White has Jimmy Olson and Lois Lane. LL is a great investigative reporter and jimmy is a great photographer. But who else? A big dumb jock on sports and a raging cougar on lifestyle and entertainment. (I’m willing to concede that this may just my lack of DC knowledge)
*for the purposes of this
I’m gonna go with Perry White for the upset!
Cause it’s true that JJJ is a fighter and he will always try to win. But if we read any Spider-Man book, he never truly wins. He always gets egg on his face because of his ego. White seems to have just as much ego as JJJ but he never seems to get any cumupence for his actions. Plus I don’t see White as an ‘evil’ man, or at least not as ambiguous as JJJ can be.
@roivampire While this is true, I feel like Jonah is nowhere near as "strong" as his gruff, no-crap demeanor gives off. Whereas I feel Perry is the "sleeping giant." He’s a nice guy, but you cross him, all he need is one punch to end it.
@Patio Well, Lois Lane and Clark Kent are award winning journalists. Heck, Jimmy’s an award winning photographer.
They both got bought out by Media General and were shut down to bolster advertizing revenue for the free local daily. Neither can stomach the sense of anxious futility that comes with blogging. Together with Lois Lane and Peter Parker they start a small non-profit investigative reporting foundation.
At an office party, Clark Kent meets Mary Jane Watson, and when their eyes meet he is weakened as if by the light of a red sun. His mind races, imagining a whole different life with a very different woman. Where are these feelings coming from? He thought he knew himself, but his internal foundation is shaking. He realizes there is a pause in the conversation. Peter, Lois and Mary Jane are all looking at him. He is startled back to reality by hearing Perry yell, "King me Jameson!" It appears the checkers game in the background just went to the man with the cigar.
@PraxJarvin – wow, How did I forget Clark? Clearly showing my Marvel bias.
jameson fakes a heart attack and when perry freaks out, he breaks his cigar in half, lights both halves and compleatly blinds perry. with perry stumbling around blinded, jameson steals his drink, orders five drinks for everyone at the bar (except perry) and tells the bartender to "put it on whites tab".
Perry wins the fight, but Jonah records the whole thing and sues in a multi-million dollar lawsuit that gains him control of the Daily Planet. 🙂
C’mon in a alcohol fuel bar brawl Jameson hands down winner. However, I can see JJ giving Perry the first punch and having him arrested.