Middle Management Red Skull vs. Bad Roommate Black Panther
"T'Challa. I hope I'm not bothering you while you're…clipping your toe-nails…here…in the shared living room."
"Not a problem. Just keep in my periphery so I don't blitz ya. What's hot, Skeletor?"
"Work was the usual grind. Zola's tummy telly was out so he had to Skype in again."
"Dude reminds me of Krang."
"You had friends over this afternoon?"
"Right. Sure. Helping with the job hunt."
"Of course. Was Rogers among them?"
"Sure. Cap and Falcon. Played some Risk. That special edition Faustus got you. We didn't lose any pieces or nothin'."
"So you played Risk and searched the papers for a job."
"Uh huh."
"Before we continue, please button your boxers."
"Shit, man, I did blitz ya."
"When you borrowed my board game from the closet in my bedroom, was it you who retrieved the box?"
"Nah, Cap got it."
"I see."
"What? You can trust my friends."
"In point of fact, I can't."
"Guy's as straight as they come. Pisses amber waves of grain and shits purple mountains majesty."
"Touching. I goose step on the NordicTrack."
"Chaotic evil. Got it."
"So if you must have him over, don't let him rifle through my sock drawer."
"What you got to hide, Red?"
"Schematics. Isotopes."
"Won't happen again."
"See that it doesn't."
"Don't storm off all mad."
"I just want to get a shower and put on a clean oxford shirt, roll up my sleeves, and plot."
"Listen. You're always asking me if I'm doing my job hunt, right. Why don't you ever ask me if I've found nothin'?"
"I imagine you'd tell me if you did. Or that you just wouldn't be sitting there playing X-Box one day when I got in."
"You don't think i'm employable?"
"I told you I'd gladly hire you to work for my organization in exchange for control over your nation's vibranium quarries."
"Yeah, but you'd have me pushing the mail cart."
"We mostly work through encrypted email right now."
"I see how it is."
"Scheisse I….oh for pete's….did you eat all the clementines?"
"I did eat all the clementines. And I even threw out the skins this time."
"Put them in the sink."
"I thought I wasn't supposed to put shit in the sink cuz it piles up. Mixed signals, Red."
"Orange rinds make the garbage disposal smell good."
"Why you sniffing the garbage disposal in the first place? Man, you need to get out."
"I do get out! To my job!"
"Job aint everything, man."
"I go to the theatre."
"You said that with the 're' and not the 'er' didn't ya?"
"And if I did?"
"Loosen up."
"I'm going to just put these in the garbage disposal. You'll see."
"Show me how you beat this Rubic's cube."
"I don't…."
"Right here. Cap found it in that shoebox of German body-builder porn you keep stashed under your bed. I didn't let him take it home though."
"T'Challa. Put that down."
"What's this like Hitler's private Rubic's cube?"
"Put it down. Slowly."
"Relax!"
"Thank you."
"Touchy."
"T'Challa. I've noticed Storm hasn't been coming around much lately."
"Says my room is too claustrophobic."
"Are you sure it's the room?"
"You've been in there."
"All I'm wondering is maybe…do you think Xavier is hiring?"
"You hate Xavier. Hell you hate Storm."
"I do hate a lot of these things you're mentioning. I just worry."
"Worry?"
"That you're wasting your potential."
"That's crazy. I'm royalty. And a superhero."
"This is what I'm saying."
"I patrol!"
"Do you remember when we saw Blue Valentine?"
"Movie was fucking cruel."
"Do you remember when Michele Williams asked Ryan Gosling if there was somewhere else he'd rather be? Something else he'd rather be doing than painting houses?"
"Shit. Is this about last month's check?"
"It's a little bit about last month's check."
Middle Management Red Skull vs. Bad Roommate Black Panther
Who wins?
Show your work!
Find us on Facebook
Follow us on Twitter
Subscribe to our RSS Feed
Some rights reserved.
There’s your show right there!
Middle Management Red Skull will be the one to snap… and murder Bad Roommate Black Panther over the toothpaste smudges in the bathroom sink.
“I did blitz ya” – Red Skull didn’t mind being blitz’d (evidenced by the German body-builder porn)
But while arguing over the bounced check and after T’Challa accidentally spills his Iron Man Invincible Orange Slurpee on some weapons plans, Red Skull flies into a rage. Black Panther throws his Xbox controller at Skull and does a back flip over the couch. He lands only to find Skull rushing him and both crashing through Black Panther’s bedroom wall. Both land on the bed with a thud and surrounded by empty pizza boxes. After an awkward homo-erotic pause, Panther throws Red Skull off him, launching Skull towards the ceiling and his head punches neatly through the floor.
Ms. Marvel is sitting on her couch enjoying a pint of Chunky Monkey when she’s startled by a red disfigured head erupting in her living room. Instinct kicks in, she leaps up and lands squarely on top of his head. Red Skull is disoriented for a moment only to hear a woman’s scream and feel a foot slamming into the top of his head. Forced downwards he lands on T’Challa’s dresser and smashes it to bits. Skull tries to stand up only to get “blitz’d” again and see two fists colliding with his face in quick succession.
The last things he remembers is Panther saying,”Please Nazi, don’t start a fight you can’t finish!”, getting a foot to the jaw and crashing through the bedroom door.
You think they’ll get their deposit back? You’d think royalty could afford a maid.
Just then, the telephone rings.
With a massive sigh, MMRS picks up the handset, which was sitting on the coffee table in a water ring left by Panther’s un-coastered glass of Mountain Dew and ice.
“SKULL!!!,” comes the voice from the other end. “It’s Strucker.”
With a roll of his eyes, Skull replies, “Yes, sir.”
“I know it’s late, but we’ve got that presentation to AIM tomorrow, and I forgot to reserve the conference room. Could you go back to the office and put the meeting down on the calendar outside the door?”
Again, rolling his eyes, Skull says, “Yes sir.”
“Oh, and while you’re at the office, could you place an order for sandwiches and drinks? How about that place down the street? You know, if you want to make a good impression, you need to feed these people.”
Growing ever more incensed, Skull again replies in the affirmative.
“Could you reserve it on your credit card? We’ll pay you back out of petty cash at the end of the week. You’re a good guy, Skull.” Click.
With a chuckle, Panther says, “And you want me to give up all of this” – arms opening wide as if to showcase the posh yet cluttered living area – “and get me a 9-to-5 gig? Suck it, Skull.”
With a deep, defeated sigh, Skull puts his head down, his heavy winter coat on, and heads out into the blustery New England winter.
*Partially inspired by a true story.
Isn’t it always about last month’s check?
Awesome. Paul, you are a master wordsmith.
These pictures are the best.
Bad roomate Black Panther totally has toenail clippers on a key chain and clips them on the subway too.
i find it hilarious that the 2 girls poster over Black Panthers bed is the same poster my brother won at a county fair in like 1995 and is still on his wall to this day.
read this in skull and panther voices which makes it 10x more funny
bad roommate Black panther you never screw with a mans x-box and get out unscathed skull
I wanna know what company Red Skull is working for. Middle management and he still needs a roommate? Bad sign for that company.
@zombox It’s a nice room he’s got though.
@paul Concur. Other than the questionable hero worship that is a pretty swanky pad.
I worry, Paul, that you have me sympathising with a Nazi.
Then again, bad room mates are evil too.
IKEA Galactus wins. As soon as he finds the instructions that Black Panther lost to that thing he’s building.
They decide their roommate-ship is too important to blow it with petty bickering, and they go out to Chuck E. Cheese for pizza and Skeeball. By the time they get home, all is forgiven. But they return to find Storm in Red Skull’s bed…. Her companion looks up and sheepishly mutters, “Thor know. Bros before Hos, T’Challa say many times. Thor sorry ’bout that.”
Red Skull sputters, “But why in my room?”
“T’Challa’s room…real mood-killer.”
This is fantastic. The Skull has to win though, the clementines things was hilarious.
Hilarious. Love it.
We all win.