Tuesday Showdown: Jonah Hex vs. Rocket Raccoon

Jonah Hex vs.  Rocket Raccoon

Cecil Vernon Wintergreen had a habit of calling on Hex with curious bounties, too peculiar to consider were it not for the price. Hex did not make a habit of taking on peculiarities, but the Alamosa had claimed his horse amidst a stormy crossing, and our man was feeling his toes far too early in the day. So when the clerk emerged, trembling in his shirtsleeves to pass along the message, Hex merely grunted and headed out to Calico Creek.

Legless, womanless, senseless old Wintergreen rocked in a crooked chair on his porch. Two grown sons messed about in the yard, tossing shingles aloft, then firing on them with a sidearm older than death before they fell. Or trying to. They stopped hollering when they spotted Hex on the ridge. Wintergreen reached into a jar on the windowsill and came back with a wad of bills. He held it high so Hex could see. Wagged it a bit.

"I understand yeh has a polecat perdicament," growled Hex.

"Naw," said Wintergreen, sucking on a peach pit. "Naw, what I's got's a coon, I do think."

Hex paused at the stoop, craned his neck around to the side where the boys were piling the shingles. 

"Goodfernothins," said Wintergreen, a little louder. "Only thing those jacknancies ever killed was their good mother. And it took the pair of 'em, too."

"Old man, I'll tie a cottonmouth in six knots if'n she nestles in my boot, but I'm not a professional critter killer. I come out here today cause you do right and early on your purses, but this is what you could call a courtesy." He nodded and turned to leave.

"Don't have time for my coon, do yeh?" sighed Wintergreen, eyes narrowed to slits. "What if'n I tole yeh he's a real good shot?"

Hex didn't turn around. He began heading back up the ridge. He'd heard about what heat could do to a man. About the things it'd make him claim.

"He's union blue."

"Is he now?"

It was at this point that the blind old rooster on the fence erupted in pink light.

Hex turned 'round, a gun in either hand. The raccoon stood on the roof clad in union blue. Not army issue, but blue enough, scorched in places. The gun was bigger than the raccoon, which was something Hex didn't quite like. The raccoon fired the gun. Hex leapt away, felt clumps of grass and earth rain down around him. 

Wintergreen raised the wad of bills again.

"Keep yer purse," growled Hex, firing up at the roof. "Hell, I'll even fix yeh a new hat."


Jonah Hex vs. Rocket Raccoon

Who wins?

Show your work!


  1. Jonah Hex. The man tackled a horse.

  2. A horse is bigger than a Raccoon.

  3. Come on it’s the old west. Jonah shot Rocket Racoon, skinned him, cooked him, ate him, and took what was left and made a hat out of him. The end.

  4. @JesTr – That’s why Rocky wins. Justice for all his skinned, hatted bretheren.

  5. Rocket Raccoon has never had a terrible movie made about him. Point Rocky.

  6. I think you underestimate Rocket Raccoon’s tactical genius – he can outwit Hex any day of the week.

  7. Rocket is having fun as he waits for his tactical strike to rain down….3 seconds later and one smoldering crater later… Rocky is back inside a giant head playin monopolpy with a talkin ex-commie K9. Hex outgunned and outsmarted….

  8. @josh

    Makes it all the easier. 

  9. Hex fanned his pistol, pumping half a dozen shots towards the raccoon in the span of seconds.  He’d seen his gunplay take down a dozen men in that time, and a raccoon was no man.  

    The raccoon was also not where it was supposed to be.  Hex looked through the small space left by his six neatly spaced shots with his right eye.  If he were a quotin’ man, he might have called on a Southern colonel he met once, a Texan who used to say "if’n there’s one critter ah hates, it’s a VARMINT!"  But he wasn’t, so he didn’t.  He didn’t know why he dropped to the ground, but just as he did it the wall above him exploded into shrapnel.

    Then, to make matters worse, the gun-totin’ varmint spoke.  "I don’t know why Quill wants your ugly ass in space, but you’re a’comin’ with me, partner."

    Great, thought Hex, there’s talkin’ porcupines, too.

    Cut to Hex, unconscious, slung over Rocky’s shoulder, being teleported away.  (Rocky wins, barely, but only because his blaster doesn’t run out of bullets, and Hex is used to shooting full sized men.  More importantly, it leads to awesome space adventure, probably in the future, starring Hex and Rocket.  Why have them kill each other when the hard-drinking space action would be so much cooler?)

  10. If there is a bounty on Rocket Raccoon, he’s dead.

  11. I’ve seen Hex dodge bullets, kill several dozen men at a time, and tackle a horse.

    You’re telling me a Raccoon with a laser is a match for him? 

  12. I’ve seen Jonah beat almost to death, buried alive, dug up and drink some whiskey without wiping the maggots out of his dead eye.

  13. It doesn’t matter.  The sheer awesomeness of this Vs. caused a hole in time/space and caused all or reality to cease to exist.  Winner, nobody.

  14. Rocket Raccoon nukes Hex from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  15. Genius tactician + better weapons + smaller target = Rocket Raccoon for the win! Also, Go Union!

  16. @Mike – Phase 26: Robot Chickens!