Tuesday Showdown: Darkseid vs. Santa Claus

Darkseid vs. Santa Claus

"You are late, elf."

"You shouldn't be up. I ought to go right back up that chimney and circle around until you're asleep in bed."

"I am always awake. I am always here when you haul yourself from my furnace. Now reward me for my year's behavior."

"It is unsettling. And there are certain protocols."

"Empty the bag, elf."

"In due time. Do I smell cookies?"

"Granny Goodness made snickerdoodles. I will eat them when you leave." 

"There are four stockings this year…"

"Of course. The large one for me and the others for my sons."

"No. You can't count Orion."

"I can and I do."

"Can I be assured that this stocking will make its way to New Genesis?"

"Empty the bag so that I might take inventory of my yuletide bounty. Do it now or I will suspend your boom tube certification and no one will get Kindles."

"Seventeen pieces of coal. Up two from last year." 

"I received eighteen last year. You are in error."

"Are you suggesting I was in error twice? I check the list twice. Famously."

"I am not familiar with your accounting practices."

"It's in the song."

"How many does Kalibak receive? He was only half as naughty as I."

"So concerned with math, you'd think you'd have figured out that Anti-Matter Equation of yours by now."


"Treat those parademons a bit better and I might bring you a calculator next year."

"Pot, meet kettle. You're running a sweatshop up there!"

"Those elves…they love what they do. They're jolly. They aren't forced to sing. They just started doing it." 

"That's how the blues was invented."

"No coal this year."


"Why are your eyes glowing like Rudolph's nose?"

"I'm going to hit you with the Omega Sanction. It will hurt a lot and you might go back in time or to Guam and I will make venison of your sleigh team." 

"Why do you even want coal? It's for the bad kids. It's supposed to be a deterrent."

"We have many fires here." 

Darkseid vs. Santa Claus

Who wins?

(Show your work.)


  1. darkseid is fight for the non-christians, right?

  2. This actually was a two-page story in the DC UNIVERSE CHRISTMAS trade from 2000. Santa infiltrated Apokolips, bypassing lasers and parademons, just to hand deliver a single piece of coal to Darkseid. Needless to say, Darkseid was pissed. Santa made it back to his sleigh and got off-planet while managing to dodge the omega beams.

    I like the dialogue in your version better, Paul. 🙂

  3. "It’s for the bad kids?" When I was a child and woke to a freezing cold apartment, that lump of coal in my stocking was the best gift I ever saw. You can have all the crappy toys you want, they’ll break in 10 minutes anyway. One good lump of coal can last for hours if you stoke it right. 

    Santa wins by becoming very small, like a real small guy and jumping on Darkseid’s head. Small Santa whispers in Darkseid’s ear a list of all the gifts he could have gotten over the years , including:

    1. A 31-day-long orgy of wrath and destruction.

    2. Omnipotent power over the universe.

    3. All the paradaemons of Apokolips joinging hands in a spirit of hatred and anxiety and singing a funeral dirge atonally. 

  4. …does this take place in continuity?

  5. It takes place in *a* continuity, yes. 

  6. Did Santa have time to prepare?

  7. Santa delievers more than Final Crisis did.

  8. I think the real question that needs to be asked is when will the parademons fight Santa’s reindeer.  10 bucks says Rudolph bites the nose off one of them.



    Just before Santa is hit with the Omega Sanction, he whips out a fountain pen and writes “Darkseid” on his extra-extra naughty list.  This is a special list for super-naughty children, and when invoked, it takes back their favorite present ever.  Of course, Darkseid’s favorite present ever is the anti-life equation. 


    As Santa is blasted out of reality, his god-like omnipresence and omniscience begins to fold reality into itself, dragging all of time and space in the entire multiverse into a Yuletide singularity.  Santa uses the anti-life equation to enslave all of humanity, turning them all into permanent Christmas zombies, sapped of all will and constantly buying each other gift cards and overpriced Harry and David fruit baskets. 


    Because of the breakdown of space-time, humans do not percieve the breakdown of reality ocurring all at once.  Instead, Christmas seems to come a little earlier every year, creeping toward the evential Crisis of Infinite Mirth – when every day will be Christmas and all the anti-life Chistmas zombies eventually suffocate in giant piles of wrapping paper. 


    Final Christmas is accompanied by several nine-part tie-ins about the reindeer including Dash, Dance, Prance, War on Christmas, and of course Superboy Prime’s Last Christmas.  Tie-ins will continue to be released until next Thanksgiving (which will never come).  


  10. "Granny Goodness made snickerdoodles. I will eat them when you leave."

     Perhaps the greatest line ever written on this site. Love it.

  11. Too close to call but I’ll take Santa in the fifth round.  TKO.

  12. Santa would bitch slap darkseid

  13. Santa is the most powerful of all Fables, so Darkseid would pose no threat to him.

  14. Show your work!

  15. This.. was.. AWESOME! 

  16. Santa all the way.

    Darkseid has peasants, Santa has elfs. In the end the Elf will make more weapons then the peasants. So Santa will get the weapons out first. 

  17.    Darkside steps forword with an evil grin and throws a powerful but slow punch at Santa asuming that Santa is nothing more then a fat man with no true power of combat.  However, Darkside to his shock stagers forword, his blow meeting nothing but air.  Santa is gone, having moved so quickly that not even Darksides super duper eyes could see it. 

        "You are a bad bad boy", he suddenly hears from behind.  The voice is stern but has a tone of sadness to it.  Santa is a kind being of merth after all and never found combat plesant.  But when he has to kick ass LORD HAVE MERCY.  A green gloved judo chop crashes down on the back of Darksides neck with unspeckable power.  A mighty crack is heard throwout the multivers.  All beings in existance look up, at first fear, then happyness for somewhere in there minds they now that something wonderful had just happend.  Darkside lays on his back, crippeld from the neck down.  Black goo leeks from his mouth nose and eyes, discharges of energy pop and sputter all around him.  Santa stands over him looking sternly at his downed fo. 

        "Mercy", gages Darkside throw black goo.  His eyes are opend wide in horror.

        "How many have you given mercy to"? askes Santa, "Few have been as notty as you.  For you I give you something blacker then cole.  I give you death."

       Santa cavers Darksides moth and nose with his green gloved hand and presses firmly down.  Darkside can only lay his eyes bulging as his life leaves his body.  And thuse did the DCUs mightest bad guy fall.

        Santa looks down at Darksides body.  His jully face is foll of sarrow.  Mint sinted tears fall on the black goo on Darksides face.  Santa sleigh jets out of Darksides power fort as is explodes.  Santa wipse the raindeer to greater speeds.  Right behind him is a shock wave from the exploding power fort.  Santa polls up hard and the shock wave blast by just cliping his sleigh.  He tumbles out of cantrol for a moment but quickly regans control.  He looks back at the flecking after booms of Darksides once mighty existance and shacks his head in sadness.

        "Marry Christmas", he wispers then shoots off to bring good cheer to the multvers.

  18. @Dan  Ageeed!  I just laughed so loud half the office that I work in turned to look!

  19. That’s glorious, Paul. Well done, sir.

  20. That was a pretty epic exchange.

  21. Darkseid wins, Santa Claus isn’t real.

    Or Darkseid is Santa…has anyone seen them in the same room? 

  22. Santa Claus is quite real. I took liberties here, of course. 

  23. Isn’t Darkseid dead currently? If so, Santa will win for sure.


    Darkseed wins.  (misspelling of Darkseid is an intentional joke)

  25. If Ultimate Warrior can beat up and humiliate Santa in his comic, than surely Darkseid will make short work of him!

  26. @ Aalbatr0ss  …Final Christmas …and it’s several 9 part tie ins…LMFAO and yes those damn baskets are overpriced…sheeeet

  27. Santa hits darksied with bag of toys. Darksied vaporizes him and takes all his coal and his hat to wear.

  28. Results are in: Santa wins!

    (The new Blue Yeti microphone I found under the tree ensured complete and total victory. I can be bought.) 

  29. Darkseid vaporizes Santa.

    Amidst the cloud of dust, Santa’s sexy slihouette is seen.

    Santa: you’ve been a very bad boy. No gifts.

    Darkseid cries.

    Santa hits Darkseid with the Coca Cola bottle,

    Darkseid is unfamiliar with the bubbliness that Coke has and thinks he is poisoned.

    Darkseid then runs away and Santa pumps his fists in the air.

    Santa: I’ll never forget it.