Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!

Today’s evaluation:

NAME: Simon Williams




EMPLOYER: Paramount Pictures


EVALUATED BY: Robert Evans


Who are we talking about? Simon Williams. Who am I? Robert Evans, that’s who. Former head of Paramount, responsible for films such as Love Story, Chinatown, The Godfather, Serpico and The Phantom. I could go on and on about my work and I probably should but I won’t. Instead I’ve been asked to talk to you about when I first met Simon.

He was just a stunt man on a picture I was working on. Things weren’t going well. I turned to my director, who was Gene Saks at the time. I says to him “Genie, we have to get this shot in before we lose our light.” Gene says “I got just the guy for you.” He brings in this kid. I says to him. “I need you to get punched in the face, fall backwards off the roof of the building, and land on a Volkswagen Bus all in one take.” He gave me a big smile and said “Sure.” I thought to  myself “I like this kid.” We shot the scene and it went perfectly. Did I cut it out of the movie? Unfortunately I had to. But The Odd Couple went on to be a great success that year. It was a very good year for me.

DEPENDABILITY – Very Fantastic
Years later I call up Simon and say “Baby, I got a part for you in this picture. It’s called Rosemary’s Baby. You’re gonna play a doctor. It’s going to be a hit.” He says “I can’t do it, I am fighting Kang the Conqueror right now.” I was shocked. Who turns down Robert Evans? Nobody. Who the hell is Cain the Conqueror? Hell if I know. Was I in a pickle? You bet your slippery mud pit I was. I had to cast an actor and fast.

Then there was a knock at my door. It was Simon. He abandoned his little super group to be in my picture. That, ladies and gentleman, is true loyalty. He saved my tail that day. And I’ll never forget it.

ACTING ABILITY – Almost Fantastic
At first he had trouble taking direction. These young actors think they know everything. Everyone’s trying to be a Brando or a Nicholson these days. I understand. I used to be a young actor as well. We are doing this scene, Simon’s supposed to tell Mia Farrow–who was great in that picture. Just great. Beautiful too–he is supposed to tell her that the baby she is impregnated with is doing fine and isn’t the spawn of Satan and other things doctors say to women when they visit them. He takes a long pause before each line. I lean over to Roman and say “What’s going on here? Why’s he taking so long? I have a lunch meeting with Frank Sinatra in half an hour.” Roman says, “He just read a book by Stanislavski. He’s trying to create an emotional memory.” “An emotional what what? Stanis- who who? CUT” I yelled. “Hey that’s my job,” says the Polack. “Shut up,” I says to him. “Simon, just hit your mark and say your lines so we can go home.” He then feeds me some story about how the woman he loves is in love with a robot that has his personality as a basis for it’s operating system. I don’t know. None of it made sense to me either. I don’t do science fiction. We got the cameras rolling and he ended up being fantastic. Just fantastic.

MARKETABILITY – Not So Fantastic
Audiences did not like Simon at all. We showed test scenes from Rosemary’s Baby. They hated it. Nobody could get past why the doctor had glowing red eyes, which is something none of us thought about until those screenings. Once that is pointed out it is impossible to not see it. We re-shot the whole picture with Charles Grodin, who is just fantastic and a dear friend of mine. I told Simon that he was fired. I took him to lunch at The Ivy on Robertson Boulevard. He took it well enough. I says “Is it the end of your career? Maybe. Is that a bad thing? Probably not. Are you going to try the veal? You should. It’s delicious. Call your agent maybe you can set something up with your Avengies super team.” He cried a little. It was embarrassing.

The man looks great in a safari jacket. Sometimes he would show up in a tank top with that “W” on it. I says “Stick with the jacket. It makes you different. Causes you stand out.” He says “Everyone makes fun of the jacket.” I say “How could you not like the jacket? It’s slick. Is it those jerks at Warner Brothers? Probably. What do they know about making movies? Nothing.” That’s what I said to him.

He was a good actor. Just didn’t really fit in. I think he did a few guest spots on Love Boat but that was the end of his career. I was talking to Nicholson the other day and Irish says he’s doing well. Anyway, buy my book! It’s a best seller!

“Hey, Beast. I know you are busy but would you mind going over these sides with me? I have a big audition tomorrow.”

Timmy Wood is a comedian and writer who would listen to Robert Evans read the Phone Book. He probably spends too much time on Twitter


  1. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    I am quite glad that we have you contained here.

  2. Aaaaaaand now I’m incredibly yearning to watch The Kid Stays In The Picture again.

  3. I really like that safari jacket look… mind you, I liked the West Coast Avengers Vision inspired green outfit, so what do I know…

  4. This may the greatest thing we’ve ever published

  5. yes! more please

  6. Just brilliant

  7. I smiled all the way through this.

    Top stuff.

  8. HA.

  9. I was Robert Evans for Halloween in about 2005 or so. No one got it. You guys would have though, and for that, I salute you.

  10. Did I love reading this? You bet your ass I did.

  11. That firing at The Ivy was complete brilliance!

  12. This is the best thing on the Internet for like several dozen people.

  13. Man, I miss WonderMan. Avengers Annual #1 was one of the best Avengers issues ever in my opinion.
    But one thing came to mind, the part where Simons talking to Beast about how he’s probaly not even real because he was “Brought Back” by Wanda. Wasn’t Hawkeye “Brought Back” by Wanda in the same way?

    BUY AvX!!!

  14. This was very fantastic!