Comic Book Holiday Gifts

We are in the midst of Hanukkah and a day away from Christmas, which means that a lot of gifts are about to be exchanged in the next 24 hours or so.

Seems to me like it was a good time for me to wrap my gifts for some comic book folks.

To: Tim Drake
A whole tub of aloe vera. Did everyone else see last week’s issue of Robin? The entire back of Tim’s head was a mass of purply raw burnt flesh. It still creeps me out just to think about it. Seriously, I might have nightmares about it. So for young Master Tim I am going with the biggest tub of aloe vera I could find. Maybe he can just open the lid and use it as a pillow.


To: Peter Parker
Memory booster vitamins. People keep telling me that there is something really, really important that Peter has totally forgotten about. That’s bad.  Peter’s too young for this kind of memory problem. He needs to be proactive in fighting memory loss or this kind of thing could get worse and then who knows where that might lead. He could, like, take on three full time jobs – say photographer, teacher, and corporate right hand man – and not realize it. Can’t let that happen.


To: John Prufrock
Big shoes. As a Bigfoot who only sometimes wears suits, I realize that John doesn’t really have a lot of use for shoes. But sometimes you just need shoes to complete the outfit. Plus, think about how often he must get refused service at places with a “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy?


To: Janet Van Dyne
A tiny coffin. Too soon?



To: Matt Murdock
Speed dating gift certificate. Matt Murdock is a whore. We all know this. So why should we continue to deny that which every one knows to be true. Let’s let him embrace it. So I thought to myself, how can I get Matt Murdock in front of as many eager women as possible? I admit I am trying to get Matt’s mind off of Milla as fast as I can. Sometimes my gifts have ulterior motives.


To: Frank Castle
Stress ball. This dude is really stressed out and the conventional therapies don’t seem to have worked. Neither has killing most of the mobsters and criminals in the greater New York City area. Nope. Frank’s still stressed. And not, like, normal “this sales report is due in two hours and I haven’t even started it and my girlfriend’s mad at me for no apparent reason and my car is suddenly making a weird clicking noise” kind of stress either. So maybe something simple like a stress ball for each hand might help. He can sit in his underground lair beneath his “Hang in There” poster and squeeze the life out of those stress balls should the need to go out and commit mass murder strike him.


To: Jonah Hex
A pair of sharp scissors. Look, I’m not one to meddle with other people’s physical appearance (too much) but Jonah’s face flap thing has got to go. I’ve had enough of looking at it. I’ve had enough of having to explain it to people. I’ve had enough. One pair of sharp scissors… a few quick snips… some gauze and stuff. It’ll be a Christmas miracle!


To: Bobby Drake
A t-shirt that says “Hey, I was a founding member of the X-Men, throw me a frickin’ bone here!” Honestly, people, honestly. I’ve never seen such an important, old school hero treated so shabbily. Scott and Jean are perennial and important X-Men (or in Jean’s case, were). Hank was not only a big time X-Man but a big time Avenger. Hell, even Warren just had his own mini-series. Shameful.


To: Julie Martin
A kevlar shirt. When you have unstable liquid metal attached to your chest you tend to lose a lot of shirts because of the explosions and such. That’s the main downside to the unstable liquid metal thing. Another downside is the constant embarrassment of having to borrow the shirts of the people around you, mainly the shirt of the kind of cute traveling companion boyfriend of the woman whose consciousness might be trapped inside said liquid metal. I don’t know how well kevlar stands up to mysterious liquid metal explosions, but it’s got to be better than 100% cotton.


To: Heath Huston
Whiskey. And lots of it.



Whew, that’s a lot of gifts.  Not sure how I’m going to deliver all that…

Now, where did I put that ribbon?



  1. Perhaps there could be a Frank Castle stress ball donation fund.  I’m sure plenty of people would contribute (though some of the donors may perhaps be less than savory).  And if he gets enough of them, he can play in them like a McDonald’s ball pit.  No one can resist a ball pit.

    (Great answers, across the board.  Made my morning.)

  2. I am with you on Tim Drake.  That is a powerful image.  That kid is either coming into his own or going insane (or both depending on how you feel about Batman’s sanity).

  3. What is up with the Jonah Hex face flap?  In what weird way would any injury to the face result in your upper and lower lip becoming attached in that particular way?  In the picture you posted, it looks like his flap connects the skin just below his nostrils to his chin skin.   What kind of evil 19th Century surgeon treated this man?

  4. Hehe. Heath’s gift is perfect.

  5. That is the mark of the demon that Jonah got from indians. It is a burn to his cheek. It wasn’t 19th century doctoring that got him that. It was indian mysticism.

    Jonah rules. You need to read it.

    Palmiotti was talking about he needs sales on this book.

    If this book ends, I’ll give up on single issues and move completely to trades.

    My Christmas wish is to see this book go as long as Palmiotti and Gray want to write it.

  6. Oh, poor Bobby Drake.

    Preach it!

    Maybe they’ll let Jeff Parker write a Bobby mini in the main universe once "X-Men First Class" goes away.

  7. Iceman is obviously the best X-Man cause he was in Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends.  He has deserved a larger role for years.  The other X-Men are just jealous he got to hang out with Spider-Man and Firestar.

  8. Too soon man too soon.

  9. To: Nick Fury

    Novelty Fake Eye Set. We’ve all been to parties where it was kinda dull until the man with the smiley face in his eye socket arrived. Nick Fury, so often the guy to shoulder the Marvel U’s burdens, needs to be that guy every now and then. Imagine a really tense issue of New Avengers. Norman Osbourne is closing in on their new hideout, Wolverine is drunk, and Hawkeye is still wearing that silly costume. Spidey’s pithy one liners aren’t gonna cut it in that room. Enter Nick Fury, hard and driven look on his face. He reaches up and removes his eye patch revealing a a fake eye with the words "RELAX" written on it. Tension broken my friends.

  10. See my thought on Jonah’s face flap is that it probably serves some much needed function.

     Maybe it’s a tendon, and if he cut it off maybe he’d lose control of that side of his mouth.


    Then he’d be constantly drooling while shooting people… and have a really hard time with the whiskey drinking.



  11. totally with you on Iceman. preach it Conner!

  12. To: Thor

    A dictionary of American slang and colloquial expressions… 

  13. "To: Janet Van Dyne
    A tiny coffin.  Too soon?"

    Dunno why, but I almost laughed.

  14. That Peter Parker part was hilarious

  15. To: The Hulk

    A hug.  Or a coke and smile.  Or a puppy.

    As a back up, keep a giant rock in the wings.

  16. haha nice. heaths gift is perfect