ASK…Granny Goodness! – 06.06.2011

You need not go over the river and through to woods for sage advice from Granny. All you had to do was email us at ASK. The mean matron of Apokolips took a quick break from Oxygen's Bad Girls Club marathon to parcel out some wicked wisdom. 

 

Dear Granny,

The kids in school are mean to me because of my Justin Bieber folder. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Jason Newcomb

 

Are you healthy and capable? Grind them under your boot heels. Are you smaller than them, sickly? Stop doing that. Do you believe you are incapable of matching them physically? Watch Gattaca. Organize a bake sale and use the funds to finance a gang of local street toughs. They will not respect you but will want your money for things like a prepaid cell phones, Huffy bicycles and permanent markers to sniff when tired. Make them dependent on your money and criticism. Granny knows you will see this through. Or you won't. What's important is that the most cunning will survive and potentially join me for formal training and grunt work. 

Granny

 

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Dearest Granny,

My daughters became unruly once the school year ended.  My 5 year old screams all the time, is very disobedient, and is occasionally physically violent.  My 6 year old whines constantly and won't eat anything but pasta.  How do you suggest I handle them?

Exceptionally sincerely, 

Chris Clark

stuclach

Inescapable Outhouse, Georgia

P.S. I don't know if this matters, but they are both HUGE Ed Asner fans (aren't we all?)

 

Chris,

That's simply wonderful. I love when parents write in with their success stories. Restricting one of them to pasta but denying carbohydrates to the other is rather inspired. The small one will be angrier and more wiry. It's good team building. I'll head down to Georgia in six or seven years to evaluate. until then, take a note from the critically acclaimed Taz-Mania cartoon series and limit the furnishings in their dormitory cell to a single tire swing and a boulder. Do you have Netflix? I want you to rent the following films:

• Black Snake Moan
• Caged Heat
• Sugar Boxx
• She Devils in Chains
• Star Slammer
• Caged Heat 3000
• Mean Girls
• Bring it On
• Sucker Punch
• Battle Royale
• Caged Heat 2
• Battle Royale 2
• City of God
• Oliver!

 

Take notes. 

Best,

Granny

 

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Dear Granny,

Do you think Anthony Bourdain of No Reservations is too mean and caustic to be a viable TV personality? 

–Jessica, Michigan

 

No. He's actually very sentimental. A romantic. You just need to watch an episode to understand this. 

Best,

Granny

 

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Boxers of briefs?

Yours,

Sonny from SF

 

I wear a cup most days. You wanted me to say Granny panties, didn't you? My lifestyle requires a few more preventative measures than the next gal's. 

 

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You are a leader of women. What women inspire you and who would you want fighting alongside you in the barracks? 

Thanks!

Lisa Cutney, Cedar Key, Florida

 

I really got my rocks off on brassy broads like Hatshepsut and Lucy from the Snoopy comics. As a young career goddess busting through glass ceilings on Apokolips, I'd pop in a Hungry Man and watch transmissions of That Girl from Earth. Girls like Marlo Thomas and that Phylicia Rashad really get me off you know? I even went to see Phylicia in Raisin Bran in the Sun with Puffy Daddy and she was really the stuff. 

As for girls I'd want for Granny's little cabal? How about Lisa Bonet? Though she's probably simmered down a bit since the Angel Heart thing. That's when I should've snapped her up.

You'd probably think I'd go for that Lindsay Lohan, but she falls down too much. Falling down a little is usually a good sign, but not that one.

Snooki crashes into things, but I'd outfit that Jwoww with some machete claws or a beaver tail that does like a chainsaw. Miley Cyrus could be plenty dangerous. I'd round out the crew with Rhea Perlman, Evan Rachel Wood, the one with the short hair from Real Housewives Atlanta, and Santana from Glee. 

 

 

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Dear Ms. Goodness,

I was wondering about your opinion on the choice of Ed Asner as the voice actor used to portray you in animated media?  Do you you find the choice of a man to be offensive? Or do you choose to focus on his many accomplishments as an actor?  Personally, I think he does an outstanding job, but what would I know, being a puny mortal and all.

Thanks,
AlanRob

 

Oh, Edward. He has been so very dear to Granny, always willing to listen to constructive criticism and quick to return my many calls. I've long been a fan of his work and fell for him when he first expressed his hatred of spunk. A mutually held sentiment to be sure. I recognized his voice on the television of a Detroit halfway house in the early 90s during a recruitment meeting. I was thrilled to see he'd expanded his horizons to animation. Whether he's that curmudgeonly lawman on Freakazoid, the rascally tycoon Hoggish Greedly on Captain Planet, or the elder warrior Hudson on Gargoyles, Edward is a consistent delight. He was the first and only choice to play me in my own series. Besides Bea Arthur, Debbie Reynolds, S. Epatha Merkerson, Valerie Harper, Raymond's mother, Lauren Bacall, Mrs. Garrett or Cloris Leachman, Shelley Winters, Harriet from Family Matters, Peter Ustinov, James Earl Jones, Oprah, and Peter Cullen of course. 

 

Thanks, Granny! Next week? Green Lantern of Baltimore Guy Gardner! 

                                          

Send in your questions to ASK by Friday at midnight EST, and you may just get lucky.