You ask. Doom answers.
Two questions for you MISTER Von Doom:
First off, iFanboy contributor Ryan Haupt recently wrote an article basically outing you as not officially being a Doctor, and explaining that you more likely forced the Universities of Latveria to award you with an honorary degree. Do you have any comment? If you do not actually have a Doctorate degree, can you speak to the fact that DOCTOR Richards humbly uses the handle 'Mister Fantastic' while you very publicly tout your false title? Maybe you could explain why you stopped at 'Doctor', rather than continuing on with 'Emperor Doom' or 'King Doom' or even 'Genius Doom'.
Secondly, I've been reading of your exploits in the recently formed Future Foundation. I was absolutely shocked to find that not only had Valeria Richards convinced you to temporarily join the team, but also to change the color of your royal garb from dark green to white, obviously conforming to the team's standards. While I can understand the decision to aid your enemy in exchange for regaining your mental facilities, wearing the colors of your enemies seems like something 'Doom' would never do. Do you blame your damaged mental condition on the decision to wear the colors of the Future Foundation, or was it more simply a deal-breaker for Valeria if you refused? Is she that great of a negotiator?
Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions. Surely the addition of your new duties as Richards family lackey to your typical royal responsibilities along with your world domination plans have made your time extremely valuable.
Sincerely,
Nathan (Peteparker) from Albuquerque
Toady 4, Commence dictation.
Nathan,
A Latverian wetworks team has been dispatched to New Mexico to secure your head by unfastening it from your torso. It will be brought to my chambers in the Baxter Building by the afternoon. As you await the flash bang, a response:
Haupt is an imbecile.
Though it is true that I [pause] discontinued my studies at Empire State University following [pause] a [long pause]
New paragraph. Following my early departure from that disreputable American institution, I went on to educate myself in the arcane sciences throughout the world. I also journeyed to outer space, which–at least at one period in history–meant something to the western world. As referenced in my previous missives for this publication, I have also been honored with a medical doctorate from Latveria Tech, a night college and correspondence program whose celebrated graduates include DOOM. In point of fact, DOOM was the only student to graduate in my or any year, as I had everyone else burned to death. Latveria Tech has since been remodeled into a national gallery containing my complete academic archives. The hall of Scantrons is most impressive. Channel 57 on Latverian television is a 24/7 broadcast of my framed diploma from the fourth floor. I carry a small novelty version of the same document in my wallet, which I keep in a velvet pouch with my DoomPhone, eyeglasses, and a small vial of hand sanitizer because you are all filthy.
In addition to my doctorate, I have also completed the intermediate level of Rosetta Stone's Spanish language course. Arqueamiento antes de la CONDENACION de la fuerza!
Your second question, though the mercenaries have likely reached your driveway.
It is a misconception that hunter green is the national color of Latveria. The national color is whatever DOOM happens to be wearing at the time. A rough, often inaccurate forecast of my weekly wardrobe can be found on Latverian channel 8, with highlights at 15 and 45 past the hour on channel 1, the Hospitality network. I must admit that I decided to wear a white cloak following my dealings with the mutant matriarch Emma Frost during–what was it? Dark Reign. She looked like a big candle and I liked that. It just so happens that the Richards family and that loathsome webhead also decided to wear white at the same time.
I hope this answers your insolent questions, you smart alec. Your head will soon be mine. It will be broadcast on Latveria channel 81. The Stupid Face Network. I just made it up. I can do that. I'm a doctor.
DOOM
Dear Dr. Doom,
I found the first volume of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare in my basement. I have read several plays and understood them until King Henry VI. Part I. No matter how much I try to focus, I can't seem to comprehend it! Once I reach the bottom of the page, I'm clueless. You are a knowledgeable man, do you think you could help me figure it out?
Angeline of Michigan
Angeline of Michigan,
A lesser work from a lesser author. But if you must decipher the nonsense, I direct you to your local branch of the Latverian library system. It is not public, mind, but it is the only library system in the country. Because you are not me, you are not permitted to borrow materials, so this is entirely hypothetical. It is also hypothetical that I care about any of this.
New paragraph. As part of the Latverian library system you will (not) find a complete collection of Laserdisc recordings of Shakespeare's Complete Works as performed by DOOM. When upgrading the materials from VHS I also included extensive commentary tracks. I felt it only appropriate to interview myself for these bonus materials. In these reminisces I parse the lunatic's many puns and euphemisms.
It's about chivalry or something.
DOOM
Dear Dr. Doom,
We're thinking about putting our mother into a retirement facility because we just don't believe we can give her the best care anymore. How do we broach the subject with this fiercely independent woman?
Caleb, Elisabeth and Trevor, Norwich, Connecticut
You ingrates. Wait. No.
[Caps Lock]
NEW PARAGRAPH. YOU INGRATES! WITHOUT A MOTHER, HOW COULD YOU HAVE LEARNED THE DARK ARTS! MURDER HER IF YOU MUST TO CLAIM HER POWERS BUT DON'T BANISH HER TO A CARE FACILITY!
WAIT. THIS IS PROBABLY IMPORTANT. ARE YOU GYPSIES?
Dear Doctor Doom,
My friends keep Facebook inviting me to go see the last Harry Potter with them. One even wants to play Quidditch in the parking lot after Ruby Tuesdays but before the movie. I keep RSVPing "no" that I'm not going because I didn't like how they cut out the big battle at the end of Half Blood Prince. And they keep messaging me like, Oh are you going to see it in IMAX? We don't have to go to the Riverview. We can go to the mall with IMAX. And I just say no, I don't want to see it. I have the books and I don't need to see it at the theater. And now nobody is talking to me, which sucks because I don't have a pool in my yard.
Patricia, Maryland
DOOM THOUGHT IT WAS
[REMOVE CAPS LOck]
Doom thought it was lame that they cut out the final battle in movie VI too. Why even have the Death Eaters storm Hogwarts just to break a window, walk on tables, and knock over some dishes? Stupid. But Doom recommends sticking with it because there's still the possibility that they get Neville right with his big moment in this last one. And no promises there won't be any DoomTears when [Spoiler Text] Lupin and Tonks….
IMAX is a myth. Doom is seeing a digital print, maybe twice opening weekend.
Next week? Middle Management Red Skull!
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Doom has spoken!
What I learned from this: 1)Doom is scared of germs, even through his armour, and 2)Doom dresses as a woman and kisses himself.
So Doom is a cross-dressing candyass.
That makes me sad.
God, I love these.
All hope lies in Doom!
That first answer is gold. It should be preserved (and possibly displayed continuosly on channel 19). Bravo sir!
Anyone knows where those Red Skull panels are from? And/or how modified they actually are?
@360Logic Completely unmodified. From a Cap issue from like two or three summers ago.
Doom loves Neville Longbottom. That makes me very happy.
That first reply was GOLD! The rest were good too, but that was priceless.
Brilliant
Doom has difficulty accepting the opinions and criticisms of others, those who would dare to question Doom.
Thor understands. Thor gets it. Must be hard for Doom. Doom is strong, yes, and Doom is smart. Thor is as well. Thor also is strong and sometimes smart too. But Thor not so strong and not so smart as Hulk. Hulk is strongest there is. But Thor has learned to live with it. In time, Doom will too, Thor thinks. So say I, speaketh Thor.
Thor is there for Doom if Doom need Thor, Doom can count on Thor. Then, one day, maybe Thor and Doom together learneth to properly useth first and second person forms of address and sentence construction.
For Thor’s part, Thor is getting very tired of referring always to Thor as Thor and to Doom always as Doom. In fairness though, Doom did start it. Thor does not know why Doom always does it to Doom the whole time but Thor is up to Thor’s neck with it and Doom anyway should be setting a better example, if not for Thor’s sake, then for Doom’s
Doom is Doom’s worst enemy it seems to Thor.