Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
Today’s evaluation:
NAME: Peter Parker
POSITION: Photographer
EMPLOYER: The Daily Bugle
EVALUATED BY: J. Jonah Jameson
ADMINISTRATION: Below Expectations
Parker was hired here because he was the only one able to get pictures of Spider-Man. He took terrible pictures but they sold papers and that’s what we at the “Buge” are all about. He was given more assignments but they were simple events like dog shows and restaurant openings. His pictures were never very good. He would have been fired long ago if it hadn’t been for Spider-Man.
KNOWLEDGE OF WORK: Below Expectations
Twice Parker has turned in photos that were all dark because he left the lens cap on. Twice!
COMMUNICATION: Below Expectations
Parker just found out that he has had an email account with The Daily Bugle a month ago. He has worked here for years.
TEAMWORK: Unsatisfactory
Parker always agrees to go on assignments when breaking news hits, especially if it’s a bank robbery or something. He goes to snap some shots but then always vanishes at the scene of the crime. It’s maddening! When asked where he went he says he forgot to put film in the camera and had to go buy some. He has a digital camera now and still uses this excuse.
DEPENDABILITY: Unsatisfactory
This one. This one is huge. Parker can disappear for weeks or even months at a time. We all seriously thought he was dead at one point. Then he just strolls back into the office and acts like nothing happened. We moved buildings once during one of these disappearances. He walked into an architecture firm on accident, started freaking out about being on some sort of alternate earth and began cursing something called a Beyonder. Looney Tunes I tell ya. Looney Tunes!
PERSONAL APPEARANCE: Below Expectations
I understand young men can have hygiene problems. My son, a real hero I might add, went through it. It’s a part of puberty. This guy however can’t keep it under control. There is a stench that creeps from beneath his clothes. It’s as if he has been wearing the same undershirt for five years now.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Parker has actually since been fired for doctoring a photo. I started filling this out a while ago and I am just now finishing it. He would have been fired years ago but the guy knows how to get pictures of that Spider-Menace. Did I mention that Spider-Man moves papers? Did I mention that yet?
He is always broke? I get that New York is an expensive city to live in but what does he spend his money on? We at the Bugle seriously think he might have a drug problem.
EMPLOYEE RESPONSE :
I can’t tell you where I have been or what I do in my spare time. I just have a lot of responsibilities. Here are some pictures of Spider-Man kicking Mysterio in the stomach. By the way can I get an advance on my next check?
Timmy Wood thinks a lot about the every day lives of fictional characters. You can see his thoughts on twitter.
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I’m a photographer and I’ve always wanted Peter to be asked by a friend of his to do engagement photos and then do a horrible horrible job, finally yelling “I take pictures of news! You guys are just in matching white shirts and jeans on a beach! What is this?!”
Never wear white, matching clothes for a shoot.
I have told friends this many times, they never listen.
“Look we match!”
“Yes. Yes you do. How often do either of you dress like this in real life?”
“Never.”
“I see. Splendid.”
It’s like they all saw some couple in 2003 pull it off and they’re just determined to capture that magic.
This reminds me of one of my favourite Spider-man stories, Negative Exposure by Brian K. Vaughn. A rival photographer becomes increasing annoyed as a hack like Peter keeps getting the front page. The rival puts thought into composition and lighting, Peter leaves his camera on a ledge and wanders off.
I remember that! That was great stuff.
One of my favourite sequences from Bendis’s Ultimate Spider-Man is where Peter is trying to sell J. Jonah his pictures of Spider-Man, and he’s flipping through them saying things like “Crap … crap … we could use that, maybe small … you’re not a professional photographer, are you?” It was a perfect jab at how ridiculous Peter’s photographer job is. A photo editor at a daily newspaper in New York isn’t going to send some kid out on dangerous assignments to take pictures of supervillains.
I always liked the early episodes of the 90s animated series because Parker was so focused to photo all of his battles. Like he’s focusing on getting a camera set up for The Lizard instead of helping a small boy….Kinda a no brainier why the writers changed that so quickly.
Peter’s running the perfect scam really. Being that JJJ has a very hot tempered reputation, who would take this job evaluation seriously? While he’s screaming to the owners about Peter’s poor performance, the owners will “Uh-huh, ok” him to death to placate him. Typical office behavior.
But yeah, this was quite great!
i wonder how peter is the only one to get pictures of spider-man. i understand there are probably a lot of shots of him beating up some thugs in a back alley somewhere, and maybe those sorts of things don’t get much exposure. but when he has to stop the hulk from rampaging through new york city, shouldn’t every kid with a cellphone have enough pictures and youtube videos to put peter parker’s pictures out of business? forget about actual TRAINED PHOTOGRAPHERS who KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING. AND he’s an avenger AND a member of the ff AND he’s got multiple solo books AND he’s a photographer? good thing it’s comics, otherwise that would be a bit too much to swallow.
I love this. Thumbs up, Timmy.