Hello, and welcome to Job Evaluations. We stumbled upon a box of files here at the iFanboy HQ. Inside that box were performance reviews for jobs kept by many of the characters we read about week to week. Let’s dive in!
NAME: Peter Parker
EMPLOYER: The Daily Bugle
EVALUATED BY: J. Jonah Jameson
ADMINISTRATION: Below Expectations
Parker was hired here because he was the only one able to get pictures of Spider-Man. He took terrible pictures but they sold papers and that’s what we at the “Buge” are all about. He was given more assignments but they were simple events like dog shows and restaurant openings. His pictures were never very good. He would have been fired long ago if it hadn’t been for Spider-Man.
KNOWLEDGE OF WORK: Below Expectations
Twice Parker has turned in photos that were all dark because he left the lens cap on. Twice!
COMMUNICATION: Below Expectations
Parker just found out that he has had an email account with The Daily Bugle a month ago. He has worked here for years.
Parker always agrees to go on assignments when breaking news hits, especially if it’s a bank robbery or something. He goes to snap some shots but then always vanishes at the scene of the crime. It’s maddening! When asked where he went he says he forgot to put film in the camera and had to go buy some. He has a digital camera now and still uses this excuse.
This one. This one is huge. Parker can disappear for weeks or even months at a time. We all seriously thought he was dead at one point. Then he just strolls back into the office and acts like nothing happened. We moved buildings once during one of these disappearances. He walked into an architecture firm on accident, started freaking out about being on some sort of alternate earth and began cursing something called a Beyonder. Looney Tunes I tell ya. Looney Tunes!
PERSONAL APPEARANCE: Below Expectations
I understand young men can have hygiene problems. My son, a real hero I might add, went through it. It’s a part of puberty. This guy however can’t keep it under control. There is a stench that creeps from beneath his clothes. It’s as if he has been wearing the same undershirt for five years now.
Parker has actually since been fired for doctoring a photo. I started filling this out a while ago and I am just now finishing it. He would have been fired years ago but the guy knows how to get pictures of that Spider-Menace. Did I mention that Spider-Man moves papers? Did I mention that yet?
He is always broke? I get that New York is an expensive city to live in but what does he spend his money on? We at the Bugle seriously think he might have a drug problem.
EMPLOYEE RESPONSE :
I can’t tell you where I have been or what I do in my spare time. I just have a lot of responsibilities. Here are some pictures of Spider-Man kicking Mysterio in the stomach. By the way can I get an advance on my next check?
Timmy Wood thinks a lot about the every day lives of fictional characters. You can see his thoughts on twitter.