I have faked my own death in the hunt for collectible status
Have you ever been neck deep in debt to an old fashioned board game manufacturer? It is an unpleasant situation. They get into the business thinking they are going to provide joy to millions of families. That expectation is quickly wrung out of them. They become embittered and angry. Easy prey for a manipulative villain like myself. I am getting ahead of myself.
The Liquid Lord situation was a complete bust. I learned that liquid was a state that I could not govern. Always flowing. Always moving. Ruining finished basements. Always heavy. My head was bursting with criminal ideas but I couldn’t translate them into success. I needed a new angle.
Times change and I was probably foolish to believe that mastering liquids was enough to grab the public’s imagination. It didn’t have any edge to it. There was no “tattoo” factor to it. (Please note that “tattoo” factor is a bad-ass villain scale developed by me.) It wasn’t enough to have a gimmick these days, I needed to be layered. My childhood didn’t provide me with the proper emotional scarring so I would just have to improvise.
I needed some tension though. You can’t stroll into a situation all Kenny Rogers style and expect people to respect your villainess. A handsome rogue is not what I am going for in my new style. The gambling angle needs something to cut against it. Perhaps an acknowledgement of the order of the universe. The random nature of gambling versus the order of reality. BOOM. There is your villain tension.
Hence was born Strat Tom Addict, the ultimate card based villain. My every action would be determined by rolling a set of dice then consulting a special card I would carry around. The combination of the die roll along with my card and several other handy charts would dictate my actions. I was unpredictable in a statistically
meaningful way. Worcester would be become a town trapped in a ring of thoroughly researched chaos. I could leave my Action Card at the scene of the crime as a calling card. I could make cards for my arch enemies (position open).First step was the get the double sided, perforated cardsI needed 2000 cards. Three per crime with 200 crimes per year plus Christmas gifts plus mad cards. I needed good stock because I was going to be throwing these babies around. Going the cheap route on your calling card is a recipe for personal disaster. This isn’t a home printer type job. You need to get
a pro….but pro printers are expensive. Enter Casey De Fonsel, Worcester board game magnate and lay about.Casey was the son of Captain Benjamin “Ivory” De Fonsel. “Ivory” had fought in the Lesser Yukon War and during his time in the frozen north developed an interest in “games in need of a board.” He returned from the war and started the regionally successful DF Gaming Company. After the initial success of such games as Lobster Roll Off and What Are You Lookin’ At?, the company settled into a series of mildly popular ventures. When “Ivory” passed away in the mid 90s, Casey assumed control of the company with a bright eyed enthusiasm. He drove it straight into the ground.
We met at a Fisher Scientific tweet up. That was my lab supplier for my Liquid Lord gear and Casey had a passion for petri dishes. We got to chatting and I could see a pigeon ripe for the plucking. A gaming company like DF would have access to affordable printing and a boardwerks. I proposed a team up and he accepted. Well, first he slapped me then we came to an understanding. He would print up the cards on credit and I would pay him back a percentage of my profits from each crime. I know what you are thinking….yes….I did rip him off.
Side note. A regionally successful gaming company does have access to affordable industrial printing. Such affordability comes from large print runs. Large like 100,000 cards and a debt of over $40,000. Not a problem. I had some crimes lined up and ready to go. First up was the local ant farm ranch. I cased the place and made my plans. The day of robbery went perfectly all the way up to the point where I had to roll my die to determine my planned chaotic move. I rolled a 1 and snake eyes. In referencing the card I see that means I turn myself into the police. Oh sweet chaos, how I seek to control you!
Planned chaos and functional crimes do not go together. Debt on the other hand seems to love it. I wasn’t making much of a dent in my card debt and De Fonsel was not happy about it. I was stuck with tens of thousands of cards with zero resale value. If I could just get those cards to have some value I could sell them and try and break even. I did some research (googled collectible) and discovered dead people’s stuff is worth more than normal stuff. I sat down to consider my death options. The pro was the hopefully the cards would be worth something after my spectacular death. The con was that I would be dead. I had to carry my thinking outside the box and embrace my untimely fake demise.
Media coverage was needed so I decided to mug a news anchor, while they were on the air. Local weather anchor Pete Bouchard was my target. I got two feet into the studio door before the mace hit me. I screamed, threw my cards around, and ran out. Yelling “I am most certainly going to die from this.” That was four weeks ago and I have been hiding out since then. I got my cards all set and an eBay account ready to roll. I figure I sell one card a week for about $2 and I can get this debt paid off in a few decades and be a legend. Crime does pay, but extremely poorly.
Tom Katers will lead off with Paul Molitor…always.
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I’m distracted from your fine article by the fact that Charlie Hustle was only considered a ‘C’ base stealer in 1965.
The card crime aspect could certainly be foiled by having your arch enemy end up being Ron Guidry in 1978.
I always love that Toms articles are both incredibly funny and insightful. Seriously, bravo on another fantastic article.
that would probably work wouldn’t it, good luck anyways :s