Tuesday Showdown: Spawn vs. The Image Universe

Spawn vs. The Image Universe

 

Everyone from the Image universe was gathered at the banks of the Penobscot River in Maine loading cases of Mountain Dew into their kayaks for a day of class five white water rapid conquest. It was two hours past their intended start time, and their guides Henry and Jerry Mayhew had begun skipping stones in a shallow basin. Jerry, the eldest of the twins by fourteen minutes, wasn't talking to Henry because Henry had seemingly forgotten to bring their water-proof lunch pouches containing snack sized Pringles canisters and their Nintendo DSi's. The DSi's in particular would've made passing the time much more bearable. 

"Where is Spawn?" growled Savage Dragon, who'd tucked his tie into his life vest, which was in fact two life vests stitched together. "He sent the e-vite on Facebook. So why is he the only one who isn't here?" 

Shadowhawk, who'd been trying unsuccessfully to reach Spawn on his cell phone since early that morning, merely shrugged. 

Fortress sat sulking in one of their rented Chevy Tahoes, clutching a deflated volleyball. He'd brought it along in the event of just such a delay. But twelve minutes into their impromptu game, Shaft from Youngblood had spiked, and in an attempt to recover the ball, Witchblade punctured it with her left boob. It was a very bad day indeed. 

The Darkness appeared from out of a copse of trees. "Look what I've found!" he called, breathlessly. He held up a Nerf football some previous campers had left in the brush. 

"I think that's poison oak in there," muttered Henry Mayhew. Jerry looked up and then nodded absently. The Darkness dropped the football, then sank to his knees. Red blotches were already beginning to form over his wings. Or his cape. Or whatever the hell it was. 

Suddenly Spawn appeared on the road, dragging a mountain bike. His red flowing cloak had apparently become so wound up in the bike's chain, that it was no longer mobile. He cursed softly and the bike turned to ash. 

"Where the hell were you?" shouted Savage Dragon, who'd just begun to remove his water shoes. Witchblade gleamed angrily in the sunlight. Turning to face Spawn, her many metallic plates and doodads creaked and clanged and groaned like a miniature eight-car pileup across her scenic expressway. 

"I warned everybody in advance that I've got a complicated life," huffed Spawn. "So be careful what you're wishing for!"

 

Spawn vs. The Image Universe

Who wins?

Show your work!

Comments

  1. @Paul: Pretty clever, implying Image United won’t be completed. I blame McFarlane.

  2. Uh I think Paul wins for writing the sentence, "But twelve minutes into their impromptu game, Shaft from Youngblood had spiked, and in an attempt to recover the ball, Witchblade punctured it with her left boob."

  3. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    When an object in nature is at once bulbous and sharp…and then for there to be two of them…

  4. rick grimes can kick spawn’s ass anytime!!

  5. I don’t even care who wins. Can you publish these matchup scenarios in some kind of collection?

  6. @actualbutt: that would be cool….

  7. Put a case of Dew in a kayak, and you’re going down. Just sayin’.

  8. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    Shut up, Four Eyes. 

  9. I call SHENANIGANS!

    Savage Dragon needs to tie two life vests together, but can find a pair of aqua shoes to fit him?

    Google image search – S-A-V-A-G-E D-R-A-G-O-N…

    Nevermind.

     

  10. Spawn will destroy the Image Universe then crossover to the Marvel & DC universes to destroy them all too & just have Spawn Comics Reign Supreme! Bwahahahah lol

  11. I assume that’s Mountain Dew and not Tullamore Dew, since this is geek posturing. 🙂

    Since Spawn is the ony one who can’t be eaten by The Walking Dead (who eat everyone else), he wins.

     

  12. I have no dog in this fight, but I enjoy that Savage Dragon is wearing his tie to go white water rafting.

  13. Spawn stands gleefully back as mountains of copies of spawn #1 fall down on top of the image universe and as todd mcfarlane steps out of the shadows ready claim victory for his hellspawn neil gaiman’s lawyer steps out handing a subpoena to todd letting him know he is still being sued over medieval spawn and angelica thus reminding him he still has enemies to vanquish! Oh and Joe Quesda flys over head in a plane shouting "Marvelman belongs to Marvel!"  Spawn shakes his head and goes back to hell for some peace and quiet.

  14. omniman!

  15. Obviously Carl would win by shooting Spawn’s kid.