Holmes & Watson vs. Batman & Robin
"Alfred," said Dick, as he passed through the library, "I'm sorry, but you should probably know Damian tracked mud through the third floor by the creepier of the two Aunt Harriet portraits." He offered an apologetic smile.
"Only the third floor, sir?" the butler asked, calmly.
"He keeps entering through windows. The novelty will wear off eventually, I promise."
"Regular mud or Clayface mud?"
"Regular," Dick chuckled, heading towards the entrance to the Cave. But when he reached Shakespeare's bust, he turned back again, squinting. "Just in case–"
"I shall use the special baggies, sir." Alfred strode toward the hall, unfastening his cuffs and rolling either sleeve.
"It was meant to be a surprise," Damian barked, butting ahead of Dick as the bookcase slid out from the wall. He bounded down the stairs. Stealthy, if typically obnoxious. Dick followed, pulling the sweater up and over his head. He grunted. Ribs hadn't quite mended yet.
"Dick Grayson and Damian Wayne," came a cool voice from behind the giant penny. Dick's sweater hadn't yet cleared his head. His first thought was that Alfred would be mortified. He hadn't mopped behind the giant penny in weeks. His second thought was that there was an intruder in the Batcave. And then he figured it might be a good time to finish removing this sweater.
"Are these circus friends, Grayson?" Damien asked. He said 'circus friends' the same way he'd say 'junkies' or 'barn animals' or 'Pennyworth.' But these were not circus friends, and there were indeed more than one of them. Two peculiar looking people in dark jackets, waiting in the shadow of a giant coin. What was most peculiar about them is that they looked ordinary. But the Cave wasnt an ordinary place. Usually when intruders broke in they looked like, well, Damien. Or had domino masks. Or were Bruce's dates.
"Nice scarf," said Dick.
"I've deduced that you are Batman and Robin." said the taller man. "Two of them anyway."
"Good," said Damien. "We get to execute them."
"You're ten," said the shorter one. "A ten-year old little boy. In a cape."
Damien lunged forward, but Dick caught him by the cape and reeled him in, clasped him by the shoulders. "Test-tube child. Forgive us." He looked at the two intruders as they emerged from the darkness. "Good deducing. Bet Bruce's press conference made it a little easier to suss out the puzzle."
"He's an idiot." said the tall man.
"He's really not."
"Sherlock Holmes," the tall man said, extending a hand. The accent was real, Dick decided. He'd heard his fair share of fakes both in Gotham and under the big top.
"John Watson," the shorter man said, though he kept his hands at his side. It looked as if Damien would bite him.
"And why are you here exactly?" Dick asked, cautiously accepting Holmes' hand.
"He said we were going for eggrolls," Watson said. "Then suddenly we were on a plane. You have one or two of your own, I see."
Damien spat on Watson's shoe an no one said anything for a moment.
"And what can we help you with?" Dick asked, finally.
"I figured out who Knight and Squire were too," said Holmes.
"Was that a very large secret?" Dick asked.
Watson shook his head slightly and his associate narrowed his eyes.
"Will we be fighting at any time soon?" Damian growled, wriggling in Dick's grasp.
Holmes grinned, removing a glove. "Well, this is Tuesday Showdown."
"Pardon?" said Dick. "Is this a Morrison thing?"
"Worse," said Holmes. "More of a Montgomery thing."
Damien stomped on Dick's foot. "Grayson's not very good at metafiction. But as part of my deranged mother's training program–"
Dick placed the boy in a half, then full nelson. After a moment it became a half again. Damian was very angry.
Holmes & Watson vs. Batman & Robin
Who wins?
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If the Batman were Bruce, I’d say Batman. Mentally, he and Holmes are on par, but he has the physical edge. With Dick, Holmes is smarter, and only slightly physically outclassed, so the brains would win. Damien takes Watson down with little problem, then proceeds to kill the crap out of Holmes for making him look bad. Then he kills beats the crap out of Dick while Alfred isn’t looking, for allowing Holmes and Watson into the cave in the first place.
I typically employ a quarter nelson when wrestling with 10 year olds.
"Grayson’s not very good at metafiction." Well done, sir.
It is indeed a Montgomery thing.
The best part was ‘special baggies.’
Holmes takes advantage of the opportunity provided by Dick trying to restrain Damian by taking down the shirtless Batman with a few well-placed strikes to vulnerable pressure points. Dick collapses, unconscious. Damian grabs the nearest deadly weapon (it IS the Batcave) and tackles Holmes to the floor. Then we hear the tell-tale *click* as Watson cocks his service revolver behind Damians head. Beaten, Damian drops his weapon. Watson knocks him out with the butt of his gun and handcuffs him to Dick’s limp body.
It seems that Holmes and Watson have won the day, but then Bruce shows up and takes ’em down with a few well-placed batarangs. Because nobody fucks with The Batman.
Seriously, how good is Sherlock? Pretty damn good.
Holmes, having already deduced that they were, indeed, engaged in fanfiction fisicuffs, immediately reasons that he has no chance of physically outclassing the Batman, whichever one he is. Just as Damian is able to stuggle free of Dick’s grip, Holmes grasps Watson by the shoulders and throws him directly at the Dynamic Duo, knowing that the sacrifice of his friend will be enough to startle them, but also knowing that Batman and Robin do not (normally) employ lethal means, At worst John will get a bump on the head before Robin is held back.
The momentary distraction as Robin smacks Watson down and is immediately restrained by the dark knight is all that Sherlock needs to climb into the cockpit of the large Bat-Bot mech he had noticed on his way in. Another few seconds to engage the machine and disable all failsafes and the automation roars to life, firing all manner of non-lethal unpleasantness at our Caped Crusaders. Little challenge, however, as two or three well-placed batarangs bring the hulking metal monster down, leaving Holmes almost no time to even exit the cockpit before he is bola-ed and knocked out.
When they raise their heads to find the detective’s bumbling sidekick, however, they are met with a small splash of blood when he was hit by Damian and nothing more. The man is gone, and the multi-combination super Apokoliptian safe housing the Kryptonite Ring is open and empty.
Recognizing immediately that this man is dangerously brilliant (and possibly deranged) Holmes is interrogated for hours before a lack of results prompts Batman and Gordon to throw Holmes into Arkham for the night, while they figure out what to do with him and contact the League. As Sherlock, calm as ever, sits in the only cell that was available, he rests his head against the wall connecting to the next cell. Through the wall, he hears a muffled giggling.
"Ah," he says, closing his eyes. "Just the man I was looking for…"
The dynamic duo breaking the 4th wall at the end, lol
Considering the context, I go with Damian alone. Christ–are we sure that he’s had his shots?
Damian has most likely had many shots. Or was engineered in such a way that he doesn’t require them. Or at least, that was the plan.
pah, that’s not Holmes. Only Jeremy Brett, and possibly Basil Rathbone, are worthy of the name.
Many Holmes fans would disagree, but you’re entitled to your opinion.
Well to be honest i haven’t even seen the new sherlock, so i can’t judge. But Jeremy Brett is a legend, you’ve gotta agree, no?
@Godfrey – Oh, no denying he’s awesome! So is Basil Rathborne. You ever listen to the old radio dramas with him and Nigel Bruce?
But dude, give the new one a chance. The Holmes/Watson relationship is pitch perfect, and the deductions are suitibly brilliant.
Paul, I don’t know what it is about the Bat-family, but you are absolutely brilliant every time you use one of them. I don’t know if it is the heavy use of dialogue or what but this was spot on. I hope you are able to keep this column going after DC comes knocking with the cash.
The absolutely best part of Tuesday is the Showdown.
I don’t know anything about this Damien kid… but he sounds scary. Maybe more interesting than I was (admittedly) assuming.
Delicious stuff today, Paul
No way does Holmes (any version) have anywhere near the level of combat expertise that Dick has. It’s all moot though because Tim saw this coming from a mile away and swoops down from the roof of the cave knocking both Holmes and Watson out with single hits.
Damien scowls at Tim.
Its Holmes and Watson all the way. Even if Batman was Bruce Wayne. That is how good Holmes is.
Upstairs on the 3rd floor, Dr Moriarty overheard the entire conversation on the secret microphone he had planted years ago while dusting the Tyrannosaur. The Alfred Pennyworth persona had served him for decades. His access to Wanye technologyes had been invaluable in throwing Holmes offf his trail. He cursed quietly to himself as he rapelled down the mansion wall and stole away into the night.
Later that night he circled a classified ad in Gentleman’s Gentleman’s Quarterly. Apparently Tony Stark was hiring.