Tuesday Showdown: Don Draper vs. Lex Luthor

Don Draper vs. Lex Luthor

Cigarette magnate Lee Garner Jr. had been paying especially close attention to Jimmy for much of the morning, though the kid waved off each offer of a Lucky Strike or impromptu game of touch football with as much congeniality as the last. Lois ducked out of the press van just in time to catch the big Texan begging Jimmy for advice on avoiding red-eye with his new Polaroid. A little too closely. A little too eagerly. Jimmy was all smiles, all shucks, as usual, but his hand was lingering over his watch. The one his Pal had given him. 

"Mister Ganer," Lois called, just as sweetly as she could muster. "Time for a word or two about the recent fines?"

"Why, Miss Lane," Garner growled, letting go of Jimmy's sweater vest. "I always have a moment to spare for the Planet. But I'm not aware of any fines." Jimmy hustled off to the press van. Orange juice, he mouthed to Lois, with a wink of thanks. 

"They probably haven't been lodged yet. The commercials only just started airing yesterday," said Lois. "A few wide angles in there that the censors might not like."

"Regulations," frowned Garner, looking around for an excuse to flee. "So many dang new rules, ya know?" He held out an open pack, which she declined. 

"Not my brand." 

Garner was about to excuse himself when Luthor appeared from behind another van. A reporter in a tall Stetson trailed him, confirming a few notes for his daily inches. Luthor shooed him away, rolling his eyes at Garner. "Lee, is Miss Lane bothering you again? Frankly I'm delighted the Planet could afford to keep you out and fed for more than an afternoon, but how much yellow journalism does one campaign really need?"

"Liked this morning's piece did you?" said Lois, even more sweetly. 

"Of course. I'm a loyal subscriber." said Luthor, accepting a cigarette from Garner. "You have a gift for subtext."

"A necessary adaptation. Given the text."

"Am I interrupting something?" came a voice, and for a moment, Lois thought it was Bruce Wayne. 

"Don," cooed Luthor, a little relieved. "No, just banter amongst old friends." 

"So you brought him in," said Garner, nodding toward Don. "Good."

"Run along, Lois," Luthor said, putting his back between Don and the reporter. Lois didn't move. 

"You wanted to talk about the end of the spot?" said Don with no small note of irritation. 

"Yes. Did Crane give you my notes?"

"Some kind of problem with the flag? It seems like something for the art department, but you haven't been returning any of my secretary's calls."

"I'm a busy man. A presidential candidate." 

"All due respect, I don't think we're looking at the same numbers."

"Excuse me?" Luthor nearly laughed. 

"What's the problem with the flag? According to the director you didn't mention any problems at the shoot."

"I assumed the colors would be altered during post production."

"Why would we do that?"

"Our packet stipulates that campaign materials not include red or blue imagery."

"You also said you wanted to stand in front of an American flag. You understand that the colors are part of the design."

"I do, of course."

"Most households still only have black and white television sets," said a wiry young man with shoe polish hair that no one had noticed. "Ah, Pete Campbell. Accounts." 

"Every LexCorp building is furnished with color television sets." said Luthor.

"I got one on my boat," hooted Garner. 

"Is this just because they're his colors?" asked Don, rather sharply. Campbell attempted to take him aside, but Don pressed forward. 

"LexCorp has a very recognizable color scheme of lush clover and sassy eggplant. The swatches should be in your packet."

"You want to run a country, but you're handing over two primary colors to an alien?"

"It's not symbolic. Merely an aesthetic preference."

"You're nothing but a bald coward." Don says as he gooses Luthor. 

"That's his finisher!" cries Garner. "I heard he did that to that comedian's wife!" 

Don pauses. "Wait…"

"I'm wearing an exoskeleton under my suit, Don. That was in the packet too."

Expressionless, Don unhands Luthor's metallic codpiece. "That's not an exoskeleton. It's a shell."

In his office several blocks away, Harry Crane begins to cry. 

 

Don Draper vs. Lex Luthor

Who wins?

Show your work!

Comments

  1. oh lord, yes

    goddamit yes

  2. GOD DAMN!

  3. You had me at Run along, Lois.

    Seriously, you’ve outdone yourself, and we ALL win. 

  4. Paul, marry me.

  5. I would like to hear more of this universe in which Don Draper and Lex Luther reside in, go on…

  6. SO GOOD

  7. Paul Montgomery Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    WHO WINS!?

  8. Don. In the end, Don always wins. 

    And like Don, I’m not showing my work. That’s part of our mystique.  

  9. I’m not quite sure what happened at the end, but still, fun stuff. I did laugh when Lois thought Don was Bruce Wayne at first–subtle casting choice?

    As for who wins…since you don’t give any parameters of winning, I’ll go with who’s the better Magnificent Bastard, which I would award to Don, because Luthor at his worst is but a mere bastard. 

  10. The John Hamm from the Hamm and Buble sketch sweeps in and kidnaps them both.  Obviously.

  11. Once Don gets his mojo back, he wins. Right now? Not so much.

  12. This may be the hardest one yet.

    I’m in Don’s corner but realistically Lex has far more resources at his disposal. Then again, Don may be able to defeat him with his knack for appealing to someone’s avarice, which Lex has in spades.

    I really am at a loss with this one. I’ll be thinking about this for days. 

  13. Don gets drunk.  Don sleeps with Lex Luthor’s girlfriend.  In retaliation, Luthor kills Don’s family.  Don gets more drunk.  Don is now free.  Don wins.

  14. Lex beats Don easily with the use of his Exosuit. To further Don’s humiliation, Lex seduces Betty and she leave Don for him. So in the end Don clearly wins.

  15. Lex has an exosuit but Don has a sexosuit.

  16. Don looks at Lex, "Your shell is about to be cracked! I am sorry to tell you, Mr. Luthor, but we have decided to go another direction."

    Lex looks confused, "What do you mean Mr. Draper?"

    Don smiles and lits a cigarette, "WayneTech has asked us to to explain why a super man is needed in Metropolis. Also, they have hired Sterling Cooper Drapper Pryce to showcase some non-profits that WayneTech is involved in. So Mr. Luthor have a good day."

    As Don walks away, Lex tears away his suit to show a green exoskeleton. He raises his hand to show a glowing light from palm of the glove. As a burst of energy is discharged from the center of the glove, a burst of red and blue stop the light from hitting Drapper. There stands Superman as the energy bounces off his chest. Superman and Lex begin to fight. Don never turns around, he walks to his Corvette and drives away.

    Don Drapper goes with the money and Bruce Wayne has more money than Lex Luthor. So Don wins! 

  17. Ha ha ha.

    Lois wins. 

  18. Don can get help from Roger Sterling, but Lex can’t get help from Howard Stark.

  19. Luthor

    He was POTUS in the DCU.

    FTW

     

     

     

     

  20. Don wins.  But only because Peggy Olson gets lex high on the marijuana.

     

    And Joan flashes her boobs for a distracting moment while Don performs the Coup de Grace and has a Dick Whitman/unknown soldier war flashback and goes into a gin rickey infused rage.

     

     

  21. After mulling this over and getting a good night’s rest, I’ve determined that Lois wins.

    While Luthor is engaged in his codpiece measuring contest with Don, Lois takes the opportunity to pay Lex back for his "Run along, Lois" comment (obviously, Lois would win in a Lois v. Lex showdown). Don, being the mess he is lately, makes a pass at Lois. She decks him. Lee Garner Jr. disappears in a puff of brimstone, Campbell runs home crying to Trudy, and Jimmy finds out that Peggy is his long-lost older sister.

    The End!

  22. Don wins, but then ultimately defeats himself.

  23. I think Don got some of his mojo back last episode.

  24. Lex kills don & Betty and the kids… Buys out stirling cooper with loose change and uses them to push murder suicide story: don draper : public enemy number one