Tuesday Showdown: Beta Ray Bill vs. Black Adam

Beta Ray Bill vs. Black Adam 

June 13th, 2008, Manchester, Tennessee – The Bonnaroo Music Festival

Black Adam waded through the crowd to get as close to the stage as possible. It was his first Tegan & Sara concert in four years, and the last thing he wanted was a repeat of Tulsa. His gold lamay Jansport duffel was filled with T-shirts and prints as well as the bones of his beloved Isis, who had also been a fan of the twin Canadian crooners. If only she'd been alive to hear The Con. It would've…well, it would've changed the way they thought about their time together. It would've changed the way they danced and made breakfast together.  

Black Adam thought he recognized a roadie from the So Jealous tour mussing about with wires on stage. But that had been years ago. Surely all roadies looked alike. He was getting too excited about all this. A waif of a man in dreadlocks and an Ozomatli shirt brushed up against him in the midst of a dance. He was apparently listening to his iPod between sets. 

"Hey, aren't you that guy who murdered all of those people in the middle east?"

"You have me confused with someone else. I'm a concert goer," said Adam. Part of it was the truth. He slid the bill of his baseball cap further down over his brow. 

Then he saw Tegan with a bottle of Dasani. She was trying to place a guitar in its stand, but it kept teetering. He thought it was an interesting visual metaphor for one of those sad songs from the first record. He made a mental note to include it in his livejournal post. 

And soon they were playing. Black Adam realized his head was swaying, but he realized that everyone else's was, so he decided it was okay. He needed to stop caring about other people's perception of him. He'd never see them again. Then he wondered if Tegan and Sara or the guys would see him there and think he was one of the newer fans. He stopped swaying. 

"Ladytron!" howled a man with a camel's skull for a face. He wore a navy MGMT hoody with a gold hammer slung over his back like a messenger bag. 

Black Adam blanched. He loved Ladytron too, but he never fell asleep humming "Season of Illusions." He had, however, sang along to "Back in Your Head" over and over again for much of the drive down, tapping on the steering wheel as he vogued in the rear view. 

"Quiet down, man," said Black Adam. He held the straps of his bag tightly at his shoulders. A few teenagers nodded. Black Adam had shown that guy. 

"Ladytron!" the man yelled again. 

Black Adam hurried over to where the man was and tapped him on the shoulder. "Listen, guy, I think she's playing next, so if you'll just."

"You like this hemp ass, granola garbage?" the man said, letting the hammer slide from his back and into his waiting hand. 

"I think you look like a Georgia O'Keefe painting and you should look at the schedule more carefully," said Black Adam, a little more firmly. "That's what I think."

The camel-faced man slammed his hammer into the ground and almost immediately a sliver of lightning erupted into a blinding white flash. The band stopped playing and everyone hurried away from the scene, leaving Black Adam face to face with Beta Ray Bill and his Stormbreaker. 

Black Adam set down his bag in the grass and advanced towards the incredibly rude stranger. "That was my favorite track!" 

Beta Ray Bill vs. Black Adam

Who wins?

Show your work!


  1. Black Adam. Because the entire DC Universe couldn’t even stop him in 52, he is just that powerful when he is mad.

  2. Why must you do this to me Paul?  It’s so hard to divide my love for these characters… but…

    Black Adam.  Cedric mentioned he tore up the DCU pretty bad once before.  I think Beta Ray Bill has a chance, but we’re talking about a guy that once had the Hulk hand him a new one.  Plus Black Adam has more years on him, giving him the tactical advantage. 

  3. I am in awe of this post and how great it is. Every paragraph made me laugh. It’s a tough call on who would win. Yeah, Black Adam kinda murdered the entire middle east in 52, but if I remember right Beta Ray Bill gave Galactus a run for his money not too long ago. I’m going with Bill on this one, cuz Kieron Gillen wrote him and I just wanna hear him say "beta" again.

  4. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    Just for the record, I love both characters as well as Tegan & Sara and Ladytron. Honestly don’t know who to root for. 

  5. Battle of Thunder Gods in Middle TN,  TOO SOON, Nashville is still drying out!


    As someone that lives in East TN though, BETA RAY BILL will wipe Black Adam off the planet!

  6. How could I pick Black Adam?  Look at my name, son!

  7. I’m going with Beta Ray Bill, but that might only be because I haven’t read that far into 52 yet.

  8. it has to be Beta Ray Bill purely for the fact he’s wearing an MGMT hoody! nice touch 😀

  9. Iam going to have to go with Black Adam on this one I mean the guy darn destroyed the DCU during WWIII near the end of 52 so Beta Ray Bill would be a piece of Robot cake to him

  10. As much as I love my favorite Norse with the face of a horse, I have to go with Black Adam. Simple math Bill has the power of a god and Black Adam has the powers of several gods. Black Adam FTW!

  11. Facts stated above: Black Adam whumped the DCU.  Beta Ray Bill whumped Galactus (though, reall, who hasn’t done that?).  Also facts: Tegan & Sarah and Ladytron are equally great, one song at a time, but every song starts to sound the same after a while.

    In either case: no matter who wins, Tennessee loses, and loses hard.

  12. Beta Ray Bill = Ares

    Black Adam = Sentry

    Just saying, it’s simple math

    Ares  < Sentry

    Means Black Adam can pop Beta Ray Bill into pieces, juggle those pieces and while juggling those pieces, drop kick Thor in the face too. Black Adam is over powered big time and a walking talking, "I win button" in a black unitard.

  13. I don’t know who Beta Ray Bill or Black Adam is…. Tegan and Sara win!

  14. That was brilliant!!!…. and Black Adam.