Dear Mr. Osborn,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jerome Tulwicker, and I am the manager of Tulwicker Toner & Printing Supplies, which has had its offices here on the 23rd floor ever since the building was known as Stark Tower. I am not writing to you today on behalf of TT&PS, however, but rather in my capacity as president of the Avengers Tower Tenants' Association.
Mister Osborn, we in the ATTA are all aware that a man in your position has a great deal to think about. (Thanks very much, by the way, for stopping the enslavement of the human race by alien hordes last year. We owe you one.) Even given all of your responsibilities with HAMMER and the Avengers, however, we urge you to remember that the lower 90 floors of this building are rented out to ordinary civilian businesses. We are not super-people, Mister Osborn. We are not nigh invulnerable when blasting. We are design firms, baby photographers, and yes, sellers of high-end, smudge-free toner that Printing Magazine calls "a home publisher's dream."
Every tenant in the building knew the risks involved when they moved in; it was no secret why the rent was so cheap. Even when Tony Stark owned the building, there were occasional explosions, Super-Adaptoids, and what-have-you disrupting the work day. In the last year, however, haphazard destruction and shocking violence have increased exponentially, and that's just from the Avengers living upstairs. Six weeks ago, the architects down on 11 lost a major client because Ms. Marvel wiped out their entire floor while fighting what appeared to be another Ms. Marvel. Months of hard work were lost right before a major deadline, and to this day nobody knows what that other Ms. Marvel was so mad about. More importantly, last Monday the Sentry plunged right through our break room yet again, utterly destroying the last leftover piece of my wife's famous Three-Alarm Tex-Mex Lasagna. My lunch that day was a smoldering bag of Cool Ranch Doritos I rescued from the smashed vending machine, and I never did get reimbursed for the lost Tupperware.
It is impossible to make sales calls under these conditions, Mister Osborn.
The real blow to tenant morale is that thus far, none of our grievances seem to be taken seriously. The building's superintendant often takes weeks to fix gaping Sentry-holes in the floor, and the bathrooms have been filthy ever since the rumor that Spider-Man was eating the janitors. The owner of the Subway franchise on the ground floor tells me that when he threatened to break his lease (after Hawkeye apparently impaled one of the "sandwich artists" on a loaf of nine-grain honey oat just because the young man forgot the onions on his footlong) you put him on a terrorist watch list. Is that any way for a man with rocket boots to treat a small business owner?
Many of us in the ATTA had hoped that we could address these concerns in person, but unfortunately you have yet to respond to any of the meeting evites we have sent over the last few months, even the ones tagged "Important." This is frankly puzzling to us, since you apparently have time to fly all the way to Arizona to pick a fight with the Hulk all afternoon, but you don't have forty-five minutes to have bagels with us in a conference room in your own building. I am sure that defending the entire nation from superhuman terror keeps you very busy, but selling toner and printing supplies is no day at the beach either, and I still find the time to type up and distribute our meeting minutes each week. If you have time to battle Daredevil, the Punisher, and every remaining mutant on the planet in the same day, surely you have time to click "reply." You probably get e-mail right there in your helmet.
In short, many of us have come to feel that the property is being almost psychotically mismanaged. We strongly urge you to meet with us and address our demands before we are forced to take matters into our own hands. I would hate to have to call a rent strike on you; you seem like a nice guy.
Sincerely,
Jerry Tulwicker
Jim Mroczkowski had to get this one out there before "The Siege" came along and screwed up the whole premise. Until then, there's always Twitter.
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Three-Alarm Tex-Mex Lasagna: Sounds Delicious!
Great article Jimski. Personally, I always wondered how the neighbours and occupents of Stark Tower would feel about that Watchtower eyesore that’s on top of the building. Do you think it would make property values go up or down for the people around Stark Tower? God that thing is ugly.
Haha. Great stuff.
"…psychotically mismanaged". That’s awesome.
Wow. That’s awesome.
Great article. Favorite bit has to be: "We are not nigh invulnerable when blasting. We are design firms, baby photographers, and yes, sellers of high-end, smudge-free toner that Printing Magazine calls ‘a home publisher’s dream.’ "
Dear Jimski,
That shit is totally awesome!
Excellent. This one is going in the break room.
Oh, awesome. What WERE those two Ms. Marvels fighting about? Poor Jerry!
Reading this made me think of Superhuman Resources, which is a pretty nice take on what sharing space with superpowered types would be like:
http://www.superhumanresourcescomic.com/index.php
Pitch perfect. Great work, man.
That was amazing Jim.
Hahahaha. Amazing as always. Poor tenants. They’re like the contractors on the Death Star!
And that, Jimski, is why I love starting out my Mondays with your posts.
Haha love it.
Fantastic article as always, Jimski. Mondays just woulnd’t be the same without your column.
That was just great, it actually made my day. I’m gonna have to post this link.
Jim, you just brightened my rather annoying Monday. Thank you so much.
Are we gonna get Norman’s response to this letter? Or will that be just another Sentry-sized hole in the building where Tulwicker Toner and Printing Supplies once stood.
Man, this really puts Conor’s Thanos/Darkseid slash fiction to shame.
Thanks for improving my Monday.
Fantastic work!
That was awesome.
Though Tex-Mex Lasagna sounds like an unholy concept.
I actually just made Tex Mex Lasagna last night. The secret is in the tortillas. If you can’t swing a homemade or quality flour one, I suggest you take your chances with corn.
although it was under Stark’s watch, let us not forget that the entire building was leveled during World War Hulk
Great stuff Jim!
And this is again proves why Jim is iFanboy’s best writer, by far. Always original and funny.
Too bad he just signed a exclusive contract for DC. Probably going to say he’s overrated in a week or two, aren’t ya?
Fantastic.
I love this!
Outstanding.
LOL! Great job. This reminds me of the Marvel humor of the past. Like "Not Brand Echh", and other stuff like that. You actually got me to LOL. And I mean really OL. Not lust the L, without the other L.
"… I never did get reimbursed for the lost Tupperware"– I too know the pain all to well of coming home from work sans the "good" Tupperware