T’Challa Contest Entry – Paul Montgomery

T’Challa Mooching Off The X-Men
by Paul Montgomery

CYCLOPS
Do you lick yourself?

BLACK PANTHER
Excuse me?

CYCLOPS
Do you bathe yourself in that way? Like a cat would?

BLACK PANTHER
This is a costume.

CYCLOPS
Because I wouldn’t be alright with that. It’s against the house rules.

BLACK PANTHER
I saw the chart. It’s just a costume. Honest.

CYCLOPS
I have the house rules in wallet-size if you want that.

BLACK PANTHER
I’m good.

CYCLOPS
Do you know where my fanny pack is?

BLACK PANTHER
I do not.

CYCLOPS
Because it’s missing.

BLACK PANTHER
Someone probably stole it.

CYCLOPS
Do you know who, because I could get them with my eye lasers.

BLACK PANTHER
I bet you could.

[Beat]

CYCLOPS
I fought your wife once.

BLACK PANTHER
Can we do this later? I’m watching my stories.

[Beat]

CYCLOPS
How did you get past the parental block?

 

T’Challa Mooching Off The Fantastic Four
by Paul Montgomery

REED
We have to take down Galactus where he lives.

SUE
Would you mind watching the Baxter building, your majesty?

BLACK PANTHER
Whatever. Yeah. As soon as I beat Street Fighter.

REED
You just need to stay here, really.

BLACK PANTHER
On it.

BEN
You’re good at this game.

BLACK PANTHER
I’m good at your mom too.

JOHHNY
Are you playing my guy? Fuck! He’s playing my guy!

When the Fantastic Four return after the closing credits Black Panther — Burger King crown atop his head — is trying on Sue’s high heels and is attempting to walk around the living room in them. A Hot Pocket simmers on Reed’s bunsen burner. There are scantily clad girls everywhere.

REED
The hell is this shit?

BLACK PANTHER
How was Galacto?

REED
Galactus. He was hard.

JOHNNY
Why are all the girls from my MySpace here?

SUE
I’m calling Storm.

BLACK PANTHER
Narc.