Santa Claus vs. Doctor Doom
"Kringle."
"Who is this? Gumdrop?"
"Kringle. This is Victor von Doom."
"Victor. Sure. Santa Claus speaking. How did you reach this line?"
"You have yet to reply to my correspondence. My engineers have co-opted this private channel."
"You understand, it is a very busy time of year. Busy-wizy time as my employees have taken to calling it over the past centuries."
"You'll forgive me if I don't chuckle politely at your inanity. The matter is pressing."
"I see. How can I help you…Victor, was it?"
"I tire of this charade. I am well aware of your omniscience, elf."
"You've heard the songs then."
"It's been playing in every Walgreens since the day after Halloween."
"How can I help you, Victor? Mind, there'll be no getting off the Naughty list this year."
"I care not for your lists."
"Others have tried to bargain before. Ultron once. By electronic mail of course. It made no difference."
"Send your coal and I shall fuel war machines."
"Periwinkle has forwarded your missives. Let's have a look."
"I have my carbons at hand."
"This is either a very dubious joke or–"
"It is true, elf. I have seized the pole."
"…………."
"I have acquired ownership of the enchanted land upon which your sweatshop, dormitories, and estate now sit. The coordinates are correct, are they not?"
"It is a workshop."
"No members of your gleeful staff would be permitted on even the most benign roller coaster or flume attraction. As was evident in a 2007 company field trip to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg. It is a matter of public record."
"They are elves. They're naturally short. Some of them are older than I am."
"You, too, are an elf. So the folklore would claim."
"Yes."
"You have been portrayed by Charles Durning in television movies. Though stooped in old age, he has been recorded as peaking at 5'8""
"I am an honorary elf."
"I don't understand why anyone would want to be honored in such a way."
"What claim could a landlocked, eastern European nation like Latveria have on the North Pole?"
"The document is notarized."
"….by yourself!"
"Magnets. Magnetism."
"You want control of the North Pole because of magnetism."
"I want to find out more about it. I also want to burn your compound to the tundra and harness your deer for my royal chariot."
"And what of my elves?"
"They will wander the frozen wastes, a pointy-eared diaspora."
"And what of the children?"
"I shall offer them the gift of knowledge and rationalism."
"They want iPads!"
Santa Claus vs. Doctor Doom
Who wins?
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Santa Claus would win. Here’s how:
Doom would come into the fray on, of course, his unicorn, charging in a jousting-like duel against Santa on his war-chariot pulled by Rudolph, Donder, and Blizten (obviously the most badass of his reindeer). Santa would then use his abilities to be everywhere at once (see that issue of Fables) to completely surround Doom, until he eventually defeats him with a mixture of E Honda size, reindeer horns of fury, and candy canes. Doom slowly flees on his Segway
Inflamed by the refusal of the fat man to listen to reason, Doom prepares a plan to destroy Christmas. A legion composed of Doombots and Demons called from the infernal realms march upon the Pole the day before Christmas, in order to seize all the presents and toys for Victor von Doom!
Unfortunately, even great minds like that of Dr. Doom occasionally overlook minor details. Latveria is eastern orthodox and the Church of Latveria still follows the older Julian calendar, which celebrates Christmas is early January, long after Santa and his minions have delivered all their goods to westerners (due to a exclusive deal signed in blood long ago with Coca Cola) and absconded to warmer climes.
Doom approaches the dark and shuttered workshop and immediately realizes his error. In his shame he straps still molten pieces of armor to the rest of his body, ensuring his skin will be really, really nasty.
The part that made me laugh out loud: imagining Doom in line at Walgreens.
Santa wins, because Doom is fictional.
Santa calls the Avengers and/or The Fantastic Four and they wipe the floor with him. Again.
Santa Claus wins because he has the whole Marvel and DC Universe full of Superheroes on Speed dial and also because he’s Santa Claus who beats Santa no body that’s who 🙂
Santa wins. Who’s going to bring gifts to all the super denizens in the 616? Doom!? Not f-ing likely.
Don’t bet on that…
http://gremlindog.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/santa-doom.jpg
Noone can say for sure who won that night, but next year every child awoke to find a non-giftwrapped copy of Spinoza’s “On the improvement of understanding” under a defoliated tree.