Ask…Two-Face! – 02.28.2011

Simple really. You submitted your career and relationship questions to Harvey Dent via ask@ifanboy.com. He's flipped a few coins and is now ready to dispense some street-level justice. 

 

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Dear Mister Dent,

My girlfriend's birthday is coming up, what should I get her?

Dual-fully yours,

David

PS I believe in you!

 

David,

I'm of two minds on this one.

Two sides of a coin. Two heads. One scratched. One clean. 

Happy side of the coin says you forget about flowers. Flowers are temporary. Unlike your passion. Get her some earrings or a sweater or a Lexus. Depending on your bank roll. But that's not the focus. At least not in presentation. That's your afterthought. Your throwaway. You're "Oh, yeah and by the way." The ultimate is an application. A class you'll take together. Something to do as a couple. A shared experience. It doesn't have to be a weekend getaway. In fact, that's one you'd use as the throwaway. No, this is about something routine. A photography class. A wine tasting class. It need not be sexy. Because the subject of the class isn't what's important. It's about being together. About sharing new knowledge and experience. About catching each other when you fall. 

Other side of the coin. Fun side. Scratched side. Real side. That says tickets to mixed martial arts and a newfoundland. The trick is you never doing anything to take care of the dog. It should stay at her place. Call him Harvey. 

 

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Dear Two Face:

I love your wardrobe! Your ability to create such interesting and contrasting designer suits is a real talent. How do you choose which suits you wish to join together, and do you do the work yourself? Also, of all the suits that you've created, which is your favorite and why? I hope that your answers can lead to some better fashion sense, as my style at work is lacking. Thanks for taking the time to answer these questions.

Best regards,

Suitlover2

You know, listen. I've been going to the same guy on Finger Lane, just off Juniper in southern Gotham all my professional career. Little shop called Billy Dee's. Walked in there still wet behind the ears, looking for something I could wear for my first big campaign photo. I come in all bashful and I see this gentleman in, I swear to god, a cape. All periwinkle and midnight blue and just out there, right? Billy Dee. I didn't know my jacket size or even what color shoes to wear with what color slacks. But Billy Dee made me feel like a prince. Told me all the tricks and didn't condescend. So when I found myself in a room full of goons, you know my first goons, I knew I needed to take the H train over to Juniper and kidnap Billy boy. Couldn't maintain order in a bloody hospital gown, you have to understand. I mean the face is spooky, but I was basically wearing a smock for a couple days there, holding the back closed to keep out the draft. So we got our guy. And he knows how to patch up a Dent, understand? As for my other half, we got a little theatrical. Go a little Elton John. And Billy watches all those design shows, and he's always got the latest Vanity Fairs and Fangorias for inspiration. Every couple of months we hit up the Yarn Barn and grab some lunch at Josie's and we talk about tone. Themes. What kinds of entrances we can make. We talk about team-ups and maybe going pinstripes for a collaboration with Cobblepot. Billy's been part of the entourage since the beginning, so we keep the leash a little longer and he finds these…the other day, right? He found this hole-in-the-wall thrift place with all these old getups from the high society mask balls and we're looking at making a snip here and pinning this part back and looking at the Baz Lahrmann movies and…

Well, you know. 

Favorite suit? Boy. Gosh. The black and white. Classic. Refined. Yet, you know, a little animated in a way. 

 

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Dear Mr. Dent,

I recently received a rejection letter from a potential employer. This is fairly normal while looking for employment, but this particular one was written in Comic Sans. Comic Sans seems fine for a High School's Prep Rally poster, but horribly unprofessional for someone writing a business letter.  I feel like I should do something, but I have no clue as what to do.

Help Me,

Helvetica Henchman

HH,

Okay, I don't think this question is real. I think what you done is you either decided to make a funny joke instead of asking a serious question or you applied for a job at a Spencer's Gifts at the mall and didn't qualify. Either way, shame on you. 

Harvey

 

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My grandfather passed recently and left me his coin collection. I don't know what to do with all these coins! Can I sell them? Are they even worth anything? My grandfather was weird.

Help please!

Timmy

 

Timmy,

You do your research. You talk to people who know what they're talking about and don't pluralize their second person pronouns. And you sell them. Your grandfather would want you to be happy, with more than just a jingle in your pockets. I don't see them skyrocketing in value any time soon, so unload. Then you take your girl out for a nice surf and turf dinner or pay off some college loans. Whatever it is lawful people do. Just don't hold on to these coins like you're keeping the old man alive. Don't imbue coins with special powers. 

 

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dear two face,

i like this girl, there's only one problem, she has two sides, one is nice and good while the other is bitchy and evil what should i do?

your's sincerley

jh

 

This is…okay, this is the kind of questions I was hoping to get. Because this is the kind of thing I have to deal with on a nightly basis, being A. a popular figure of the Gotham underworld, and B. a popular figure of the Gotham underworld with a duality gimmick.

These girls sidle on up with their two-tone hair and their one weird color contact lens or some mismatched saddle shoes and think this is what a man wants. This is not want a man wants. Especially a busy man with his own mental health issues to monitor or neglect. Is it so much to ask that a girl be simple? It seems like it'd be easier on them to just have one dimension. And they don't have to worry about appealing to my intellectual side one minute and my Charlie Sheen level sexual urges and mania issues the next. Because there's always another girl for that, usually picking through the mini bar across the room. Appeal to one side of me, be good at it, and stay consistent. Don't switch up your major once you've taken so many core classes, right? This seems like less work to me, so I don't see why it isn't the popular option. It's like the Shrek movie and the layers. Onions and ogres and molls. Molls. I want to bring that back. You be my moll and I'll be your trigger-happy psycho boyfriend. Harley gets it. Joker's got enough personalities for the two of them. Trust me to be crazy and you have your one thing. Like nice or evil. So I can look at you and go, "Okay, that's the sweet one." Or, "Oh, she's the one that bites me and throws plates at me." My life is complicated enough for that to be the same person. 

So, my advice to you, it's either happy trails or you embrace one side of her and sort of nurture it. It's easier to make her mad, so give up on the nice side and just be lousy to her all the time. Then you'll just have an evil girlfriend and your life will be much simpler. You can always get an additional pleasant girlfriend for when you're tired. 

Hope that helps. 

Harvey

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Next week's special guest panelist? Dazzler! 

 

                                                          

Submit your romance, career, music industry, clubbing questions to Dazzler via ask@ifanboy.com by Friday at Midnight EST!