Ask…The Rogues! – 03.14.2011

Nothing to it. You wrote in to ask@ifanboy.com with questions regarding life, love, and the pursuit of millions for Flash's rogues. They answered as dastardly as possible. 

 

Dear coolest bad guys,

 About a year ago I took in a stray cat and named him after my favorite rogue. The little guy has an interesting hobby: he likes to attack my action figures, specifically, my Captain Cold figure. I've tried the squirt bottle method but to no avail and moving it around does nothing. I should probably let you know that the little guy is named Boomer (what can I say? Chicks dig the boomerangs). Any advice on how to stop Boomer's obvious  anger towards Captain Cold?

P.S. – Where's Piper? Can you tell him that people are worried about him and miss him a great deal.

 

Dear Crazy Cat Lady,

Have you tried tossing the kitty off a bridge? This I think is an obvious method. But lady friends never seem to develop the hypothesis independently. They come home from a weekend cosmetology seminar thing and they say, "Len. The apartment smells effing great. There are no scratches on the sofa. You are a miracle worker." And we do it right there on the unscratched couch. And she goes, "Len, by the way, where's Terabithia?" And I go, "It's funny you named the puss-puss that." And she goes, "Why?"

And I explain what irony is. And so maybe we don't talk for a couple weeks, but we bump into each other in a bodega, and she says, "Honey, I had no idea you liked 'Nilla Wafers." And she pays for my shit and we go back and we're eating 'Nilla Wafers and canoodling on the couch and I go, "Hey, see, the place still smells great!" And she goes to slap me, but then she laughs and we just do it for a few more hours. 

Piper traded in his flute for a harmonica and is doing an easy eight in Iron Heights. Likely dropping the soap more than is deemed usual. 

Because he likes guys. 

— Captain Cold

 


 

Rogues:

I'm planning a heist.  I suspect it will be "epic".  However, I need a bit of advice.  You see, my father was abusive and I, of course, blame society for his abusiveness and want to punish them for my suffering.  Therefore, I'm trying to decide if I should simply rob Bruce Wayne (who represents decadent society and all its inherent ills) or if I should rob AND murder him (and possibly his faithful butler).  I've always looked up to you gentlemen and would love to hear your thoughts on two issues:

1) Should I simply rob Bruce or should I really go for it and kill him?

2) If I decide to kill him which weapon should I use?

        a) Some sort of elemental gun.

        b) A sharpened Frisbee.

        c) An exploding whoopee cushion.

        d) A thunderstorm.

Angrily yours,

Chris Clark (stuclach), Outhouse, Georgia

 

Chris,

You sound a lot like a buddy of mine. You sound like a couple of 'em actually. My advice is to just set the guy on fire. 

The other guys are looking over me as I type this and they're saying Who on fire? Be specific, Mick.

I'm saying why limit it to one guy. You sound like you're mad at a couple a guys. I don't really remember the whole thing. So I'm saying set 'em all on fire and you'll probably feel better about the whole thing. When you do this, you should invite me there. Not just for safety reasons but because I'd probably got off on it too. 

–Heatwave. 

 


 

Hello.

I just moved to Central city. Can you get me into a high stakes card game?

Thanks.
Sammy Farha.

 

Lookit. This one's trying to juke the queue. Dinnae care how many a fancy tourney you've won, even on Bravo or suchlike. You make your way up. No killy-coading to the big boy's table, ye knobdobbing pie eater! 

Oh, and yer mammy's a shelter belter. 

–Mirror Master

 

Just if you see us, give Mirror Master a fanny pack with cocaine in it and he'll tell you which cave and when. 

–Captain Cold

 

Sure, yeah. 

–Mirror Master

 


 

Dear Rogues:

First of all, I jus wanna to say that I'm a huge fan of yo guys' work. I run in a small time crew doin things like banks, kidnappings and the odd smuggling when it calls fo it. After any big job me an the boys like to grab a bite to eat. We mix it up when we can: pizza, chinese, Denny's. I jus wanna know what the Rogues do for food after a big job or a run in wif da Flash. Keep up the good work.

Yo's truly,

Johnny Ten Fingers

 

We tend towards potlucks in some of the caves under the twin cities. Some of our hooker girlfriends bake a decent ziti and we even did a clambake one time down at the quarry. 

I always wanted to have our own joint, you know? A place we could call our own for birthdays and post-Crisis banquets. We got the diner, which is okay for brunches. Great finger food. But a year or two back, right around the time we decided to get Twitter accounts, we thought about trying a new Checkers, you know with the outside cafe style thing. A new place to lay low and strategize, right? And with cajun fries. But then Mick sort of burnt the place down. He was trying to just burn the manager down because of a ranch dipping sauce related altercation, but the guy was just especially flammable so the whole place went up. So it's back to just the caves these days. 

–Weather Wizard

 


 

Rogues,

 

Hey I have a group of friends that have been close for a really long time. There are about five of us. Recently this guy who kind of knows us all mutually is trying to insert himself into our group. He invites himself to our parties? He keeps trying to get us all to form a bowling league and he is really loud and obnoxious. How do we break it to him that we don't want him to be a part of our group without coming off like jerks? Help me rogues!

Timmy

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

 

One of the raddest things people don't consider when just offhandedly putting down bowling is that there's also sometimes air hockey. If I could live in a Dave & Busters I straight up would. It would be like the INSANELY FUN version of From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler–the only book I read in school and I STILL regret it!) I'd survive on Air Heads and funnel ca

–Trickster

 

You didn't even read the Outsiders? 

–Weather Wizard

 

Watched the movie. Diane Lane is such a MIL

–Trickster

 

Don't say it. 

–Captain Cold

 

F…

–Trickster

 

Here's my advice. Get into really dangerous situations you feel confident you can survive, but he can't. Take every opportunity to use this punk as a scapegoat or guinea pig. Because he's subhuman, understand? Never show him any pretense of affection. Mock him. Ground down his soul beneath your fur-lined boots. Make him feel like a day laborer at a country club. Put him in harms way until he's either dead or wishes he was. 

–Captain Cold

 

You're so wise. 

–Trickster

 

Did you finish licking all those batteries I gave you from the Radio Shack heist? 

–Captain Cold

 


 

You guys are pretty stylish. I'm thinking of some new clothes for spring. What would you recommend?

Chris, UK

 

Just set the guy on fire. Trust me. 

–Heatwave

 


 

Dear The Rogues,

As the leader of a group of six sinister super-criminals, my team and I are often on the lookout for a new secret hideout. What with rising property rates, and a certain "friendly" neighbourhood vigilante hounding us constantly, we are always moving from place to place.

Do you fellows have any tips on finding that elusive perfect hideout, how to proof it against a variety of powers, and/or how to keep out potential do-gooders?

Sincerely,

Doctor O.

New York City, NY

 

Keeping mind you and your merry men should keep to your five boroughs and not even consider setting up shop in either Keystone or Central…

Caves. I can not stress this enough. Guys like us, we're not doing god's work, yes? We're doing really shitty things and getting our hands dirty and trying to get away with it. So it's only right that we should hang our hats in the bowels of the earth. If you don't want to think of it in those terms, consider caves like the blackhead divots of the planet and we're the wads of pus. Right? It's not the Ritz or the Howard Johnson, but it's got walls and sometimes non-toxic air and it's….

I can't….

Enough. 

Caves suck, okay? They're the worst. 

People like us, we can't hold 9 to 5s. We just can't. Otherwise why are we dressing up like this and spending our weekends building freeze guns? Or burning down a Checkers because they didn't have ranch dipping sauce. So we don't get to have a lot of choices in where we lay down our heads and keep our old magazines, you know? 

Sometimes I get to thinking they're just big stone wombs and we're just…

That's college thinking. That's Dr. Phil shit. I don't even…

Look…

I like hookers for all the usual reasons. But sometimes I don't even call 'em up to get my rocks off. It's so I can spend a few hours on a flea-bitten mattress instead of in an abandoned warehouse, or spooning with Mick in some anonymous cave. Even if it's not my home. Even if it's a row home you gotta pay for by the hour or the menu item. But it's got a carpet and a radiator and fridge I can pretend isn't full of a whole lot of nothing and baby formula. It's a place that isn't a goddamn cave.

I mean I get my rocks off too, but I can sort of relax. 

–Captain Cold

 


 

Next week, ask…Kraven the Hunter! 

                                                                                                                

Submit your career/romance/animal husbandry/fashion/adventuring queries to ask@ifanboy.com by Saturday at midnight EST and Kraven might answer in next week's column!

Comments

  1. The idea of the Rouges and their hooker girlfriends having a pot luck dinner might be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.  Keep it up Paul.

  2. Well done, sir.  “Because he likes guys.”  Funny stuff.

  3. Mr. Heatwave,

    I’m planning the job at Burger King this weekend.  Why Burger King?  Flame-Broiled Burgers + That damn “King” is askin’ for it.

    I’ll look for you in the parking lot at 11.  I’ll bring the marshmellows if you bring the graham crackers and chocolate.

    Sincerely,
    stuclach 

  4. Cheers to the Doc O question.

    and Potlucks, man, why didn’t I think of that? Great job Paul.

  5. Paul writes a better Scottish accent than Geoff Johns. FACT.

  6. A clambake with hookers.  So may stories…

    Was it just me or was this by far the dirtiest Ask so far? 

  7. @stuclach  If by dirtiest you mean funniest then yes.  I think the only other person to work blue would have been two face and even  then  only half of the time.

  8. @stuclach well when you mention that a guy is in prison and drops the soap on purpose, it’s pretty dirty…or is it clean because of the soap. I am so confused.

  9. @ato220  Good one.

    @WeaklyRoll  I agree.

  10. Think you got Len Snart down to a tee there.  Not so sure on Mirror Master though.  Thanks!

  11. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @houseian  Mirror Master is exaggerated. That’s not how I’d write him in a script. 

  12. @PaulMontgomery  Do you plan on doing some non-Marvel or DC characters anytime?

  13. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @Suicidalkangarooz  Absolutely. It’s a little more daunting to do this with a creator owned character, but it’ll happen. 

  14. Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    Oh, and feel free to make requests in the comments sections. Open to suggestions. 

  15. @PaulMontgomery  Since you’re taking requests: Middle Management Red Skull, Post-Coital Thor, Arthur of Maine, Bad Roommate Black Panther, Judgemental Steve Rogers.

  16. Suggesting that I throw Boomer off a bridge maybe why he hates Len. Besides, the little guy survived the Chicago blizzard of 2011. He loves up to the name Boomerang.

  17. @RapidEyeMovement  People don’t remember episode 157, Galactus at ikea!

  18. @PaulMontgomery @stuclach and all — well done! Lots a fun!

  19. As for future columnists, I’d sure like to pose a question to someone on a grander scale, such as Galactus or The Watcher.  In fact, both would be great.

  20. Oh, and if you’re up for it, Etrigan the Demon in full rhyme would be great too.