Last week you submitted your lawn care and elemental questions via ask@ifanboy.com to the artist formerly known as Alec Holland…or a bunch of twigs and stuff that thinks it was Alec Holland. Either way, it's time for Swamp Thing to do his thing!
Im having some landscaping issues. I have a patch of grass in the front lawn that never seems to grow the right way, how can I correct this ive tried different seeds and nothing seems to work? Also I have a monstrous tree in the backyard that has its root come out the grown and destroying my lawn I can barely mow it. Help Me Swampy.
It was my understanding…that I would actually be….answering…questions about….oh fine.
I do not grant your premise…in so much…as there being a "right"…way…for grass to grow. Grass is a promiscuous…entity…worldwide…with a great fondness for humanity. Grass…in….her many forms….is quite gracious in her…willingness to bend to the will of….suburban…
…to people like yourself…who enslave….who….no….who utilize grass for…aesthetic purposes on lawns and in…lawns and or…yards.
Please consider all…grass does…for you….you….person. Grass….need not always….grow….the way you wish it would. Let grass be free. Enjoy the aesthetic of her…asymmetry…just as you…take pleasure in the flaws of fellow human…like a mispronunciation of the word…"esoteric" or a tendency to gnaw at their….cuticles. As for the tree, unless it is haunted…by a malevolent elemental….just leave the…tree and the grass to…sort their problems out…on their…own. What…I'm saying is…to…sod off.
–Swamp Thing
Mr Swamp Thing
Which herbs would you recommend be the best for planting a garden this year and if combined in a 'brew' would be best for spicing up the bedroom acts of myself and my wife?
Hippie Tom
Oak Ridge, TN
Thomas,
There are…many herbs and…plant matter…which will help to…inspire…and enhance sexual…sex. Ginseng is…but one…of many popular….herbs….available in….everything. It…promotes…vitality…in all forms…including…the forms you are talking about.
There is…also something called Horny Goat Weed. It is…a leafy plant…which…cause quite a stir in Asia…notably in an amorous population of goats.
For more…use…the damned….internet…
–Swamp Thing
Dude, if we were, like, hanging out and stuff, and I ran out of weed, it'd be cool if I smoked you, right?
Tome on iFanboy
Tome,
This…requires…a level of physical, emotional, and psychological….oh and erotic…intimacy…I don't wish…to achieve…with you. Which is…too bad…for you…because I, Tome, am some….premium shit.
–Swamp Thing
Swamp Thing,
Over the decades…as a…researcher….and as a….plant elemental….and as….a plant who thought he was…a researcher who became….
Over the years I've come into…contact…with many plant, fruit, and vegetable…species…also legumes….and I have come to understand their…place in the panorama of…the planet's….I've gotten to know many plants.
One of…the plants that I've never….truly….ever come to appreciate…is the dandelion…though not…for lack of trying. I have…communed with the oily….yellow…bastards….time and time….again. None of them are…worth talking to. None of them have very much…ambition. None have….anything…to contribute to….anything.
But…I would never…condone….genocide…even to…damndelions…..(that is how…I refer to them…with a curse word…in there…).
You should move.
Dear Swampthing,
stuclach
You are a pretender and…should be…ashamed or…..yourself.
–Swamp Thing
Dear Mr. Thing,
Thanks in advance.
Chris Clark
stuclach
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I love Cyclops’ pose in that picture, it looks like he’s pretending to be a monster
Damndelions!
Awesome. Love the Man-Thing response.
I’ll pass your message along to Mr. Constantine. He’s currently sprinkling me with chicken blood.
Okefenokee Joe is the human in the picture. I’m fairly certain the snake’s name is Sir Hiss.
Mr. Constantine says to tell you he’s broke and that you should sod off (I’m not sure what that means.)
He also told me to stop opening my mouth or the demon will escape. I assume he’s joking.
After reading Swamp Thing’s answer to my question, I’ve decided to try and talk my dandelions into dying. The plan is to get right up next to each dandelion and tell it that it is a useless plant and even the earth elemental and champion of the Green has no use for them and it should just die already. They should feel so bad about themselves that they’ll just curl up and die.
Or we’ll just move again. Good call.
premium swamp thing at least $60 per uh, nevermind
The alternate universe pothead version of me is dissapointed. ;(
@JeffR You need this: http://www.amazon.com/Hound-Dog-Products-HDP1-6-Weed/dp/B0000DI835 Swamp Thing would not approve, but it will solve your problem. Seriously.
Great job as always, Paul!
@HailScott Thanks! I’ll check it out.
Groot. Man-Thing. Genius.
I don’t know a lot about swamp thing; is his speech supposed to be read slow or does he stop a lot? There were some great answers here, Paul, especially to TomE question.
@gobo, I think that is Cyclops’ Bear Fight stance.
Haven’t really been reading these articles, but this was hilarious. Great job!
@SunnyvaleTrash Do yourself a favor and read the other articles. They are all hilarious. Paul is a genius.
@stuclach Very much appreciated. (Please stop sending me Paypal requests with the memo: “Promotional fee.”)
@PaulMontgomery I’ll stop sending them when you stop paying them.
@JeffR I suggest eating the dandelions. The roots can be made into “coffee” (decaf), the leaves into salad, and the flowers into wine. Think of it not as a pest, but as a maintence free garden. 🙂
Does Cyclops have a cameltoe? That would explain a lot about shim.
damm this was a fun read
Good job Paul! Looking forward to Cyclops, but I cant wait for Blackbolt…and oddly, Cathy.