Ask…Rorschach – 02.21.2011

It's simple. You wrote in to with questions for Walter Kovacs, the masked man known as Rorschach. He filled a notebook with his answers, duct taped it to a dead german shepherd, and hurled it through our front window. We transcribe his advice here. 


Dear Mr Rorschach,

The neighbours next door are making an awful racket! I think their youngest has to practise tuba for school, but often he will play as late as 9pm and it really is distracting.

How long should I leave it before a) writing an angry letter and b) contacting the authorities?

Your pal,


Neighbors are likely subsisting on stolen welfare and illicit chemical manufacture. Check garbage receptacle for discarded cough medicine bottles. 

Of two minds on choice of musical instrument. Youth may harbor latent sadomasochistic wants. Buries self under cumbersome yolk of extracurricular scholarship as self punishment for shameful desires. Or as physical and auditory boundary to dissuade companionship. Second possibility: Boy uses onerous tuba rehearsal to ward off mentally imbalanced parent figure who may or may not be prostitute. Prisoner in own home. 

Befriend boy. Glean insight on criminal front next door. 



Dear Rorschach,

I have a co-worker causing trouble at my office. He constantly attempts to throw everyone under the bus when he gets in trouble for attendance, punctuality, and poor work performance. He has caused something of a hostile workplace environment. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who sees his true face. Am I just being paranoid or should I do something?


May have been more content as freelance operative. 

Profile troublesome co-worker.

Use Talkboy recorder from Home Alone II. Unassuming. 

Document sexual, political digressions. cc. entire office. He is likely tardy because he is involved in human trafficking. Aid him in the completion of his self-imolation. 

Figuratively or literally. 



Mr. Rorschach, 

The other day I watched Matthew Perry's new show on ABC, "Mr. Sunshine," which I thought was quite good. I've also been watching fellow "Friends" cast-member Matt LeBlanc's new Showtime series "Episodes," which I don't like nearly as much. But upon some investigation, I found out that Mr. Perry's co-star Andrea Anders is in a long-term relationship with LaBlanc, whom she met on the "Friends" spin-off "Joey." Digging even deeper, I come to discover that "Episodes" was co-created by David Crane, who also co-created "Friends." Add into the mix that Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston are both busy with projects (Cox is the star of ABC's "Cougar Town" and Aniston has a new movie that opened the weekend after the premiere of "Mr. Sunshine"), and Lisa Kudrow and David Schwimmer both did movies last summer. Is it just me, or are the "Friends" trying to take over the entertainment industry?

Afraid of large coffee mugs

Subject did not watch Mr. Sunshine competently. Pale shadow of flawed, under-appreciated Sorkin cocaine diary Studio 60

That said, Allison Janney: typically delightful. 

Friends conspiracy no secret. Ask news vendor in Harlem for pamphlet. Code: "Latest issue of Smelly Cat Fancy, Joe." 

Troubling relationship between mule-faced Schwimmer and Capuchin monkey still under careful observation. Awaiting next disc from Netflix.  




My roommate won't stop eating all my cereal! What do I do about this?


You have grown fat and complacent on commercialized rice puffs. Allow roommate to do likewise. Never store own food on-site. Rely on impotent associates likely to stockpile canned beans. 

Note: Investigate potential link between impotence and canned beans. 

Ascot-clad tiger likely homosexual. No known register, point of call for "Captain Crunch." 



Dear Rorschach, 

I am at a very important crossroad in my life, and only you have the answers and the capacity to take my dilemma seriously.

My cat, Mishka, has been meowing differently lately. Here's the thing, though: he started to do this on the EXACT date that the Egyptian riots broke out! Obvious correlation, right?? Cats are considered utterly sacred in Ancient Egyptian culture, so this "minor coincidence" (which is what my doctors have been calling it) is quite obviously an important message being sent to me from the cosmos!

But what's the exact message? Are the cosmos telling me to travel to Egypt to assist in the rioting? Or should I start one here??

Power to the people,
Feline Frustrated in Forest Hills

More of a rabbit person. Apologies. 



Mister Rorschach sir please don't hurt me.

What's up with Lady Gaga?

Thank you.

Androgynous pop vocalist. Rumored hermaphroditic. Spy photograph depicts pronounced male appendage to put Manhattan to shame if Manhattan capable of shame.

New single suspiciously similar to earlier Madonna hit.

Controversial egg entrance to 2011 Grammys an homage to Ozymadias' stunt at 1997 MTV Movie Awards? 

Consult similar deviant David Bowie for professional analysis. 




I'm fairly certain my Grandmother has been spying on me while I read. 
Let me present the following evidence to support my claim:
1) I occasionally hear the sound of carrots being eaten when I'm reading.
2) My Grandmother is fond of carrots.  
I plan on reading something this afternoon.  What do you propose I do?


Ever so slightly sincerely,
Chris Clark (stuclach), Outhouse, Georgia


Infatuation with grandmother is evident. Understandable, given antagonistic relationship with wanton mother.

Geriatric surveillance unlikely, though regular carrot consumption may indicate keener eyesight in old age. Still, a negligible observation. Subject is known economist. Reading habits dull and tedious. Of little interest to sinister parties. Or anyone else. 


Dear Rorschach,
Save us!
The Whores and Politicians


Next week's special guest panelist? 


Send your questions to by Friday at midnight EST! Seeya next week. 


  1. Love this!

  2. “Infatuation with Grandmother is evident.”  That may be the funniest thing I’ve read on this site.
    I would think sinister parties would be keenly interested in economics. (Bin Laden studied Econ in college.)

    Also, the Talkboy reference is delightful. 

  3. These keep getting funnier and funnier. The writing here is proof of paul montgomery’s genius.

  4. Rorschach can be a very hard voice to channel and you do it brilliantly!

    And when are the prostitutes and politicians going to get some love?

  5. This is some of the best humor-related shit I’ve read from you.  Awesome!!!

  6. The thought of rorschach as a rabbit lover is hilarious. God this feature is amazing. I don’t get how he writes these characters so well.

  7. “Ascot-clad tiger likely homosexual”—–This features GRRRRRRRRATE!

  8. Amazing.  I didn’t know that Ozymandius attended the 1997 MTV Awards.

    PS Is this the first of these where the character answering the questions is actually *spoiler dead? 

  9. “Use Talkboy recorder from Home Alone II. Unassuming. “

    gold, just pure gold

  10. Fantastic stuff, as ever.

  11. good stuff

  12. Great answers. Keep this going for as long as you can.

  13. This column must be a great writing excercise for Paul!

  14. @JNewcomb  More of an enabling device to perpetuate my mental illness. 

  15. HAHAHA! I lizzed!

  16. Hilarious as ever, but that last one floored me.


  18. (nice one, paul)

  19. “Dear Rorschach,
    Save us!
    The Whores and Politicians

    Brilliant! made me litterally laugh out loud

  20. Credit goes to Jeff Braun for sending in that last question. 

    The success or failure of this feature is all 50/50 with the questions submitted. So, a hearty thank you to everyone who’s contributed so far!

  21. Hey, thanks for the call out, Paul! These are certainly a lot of fun.

  22. Awesome as always. I knew it would be when I saw Rorschach as the next guest. The Whores and Politicians part killed me! Too awesome!

  23. Exactly Rorschach!

    Who drew that Two Face Image?

  24. Yep. Also literally laughed out loud.

  25. this is all good stuff, i salute you

  26. Utterly fantastic!

  27. I will never look at a tuba player the same way again.