ASK…Professor X and Magneto – 05.31.2011

It doesn't take Cerebro access. Just an email to You had questions for Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr? They have answers. 

Hello. I'm Professor Charles Xavier. For purposes of clarity, my responses shall appear in blue. 

I am Erik Lehnsherr. My answers will appear in red. You should be familiar with it. It's that color on your hands right now. 

Don't start. 

Oh, but I didn't start this, Charles. They did. 


You know. 

Again, my responses will appear in blue, Erik's in red. 

Why don't you just sign everything with an X? Like everything you touch in this charmed life of yours. 

That won't be necessary. 

As I've been saying for years. You're like a small boy scrawling his name on the foot of his toy dinosaurs. 

Initials and branding can be helpful. House of M, wasn't it? 

That name is open to interpretation and is from an alternate reality, so one can hardly–

Let us dip into the mailbag. 

What bag? 

It's a metaphor, Erik. 

I suddenly feel exceptionally silly to have agreed to this. Are Bing Crosby and David Bowie going to regale us with a duet?


What are you smirking about? 

I just think you and Bing would have a good bit to talk about. Parenting and so forth. 






Dear Erik and Charles,

Recently, I feel as though one of my best friends and I have been drifting away from each other. We used to see eye to eye on everything. We used to hang out constantly. People were convinced we were brothers. I'm nervous that our friendship is fast desolving and we may even find ourselves at odds with each other soon. I felt that two of the greatest minds in the mutant world would be able to help me. What's the best way to deal with this situation? Is there hope for our friendship, or should I be preparing for the worst?

– Chris Rohling (@cmrohling)


Many of the people I would consider friends are dead, some of them after betraying me. But I still remember them fondly. Hold close to your friends. It often helps if you lead a dangerous life in which enemies use your friends to hurt your, bending them to their will to use them as pawns in a treacherous and fleshy chess game. When things resolve themselves, as they always do, you will find out who your true friends are. These are the people you want teaching at your school or entering your mind to save your essence from invading forces. Even if they start out as the ones invading it. I also recommend befriending those from other star systems and from Scotland. I supposed what I'm ultimately saying is that I lead a very complicated life. 

Right. Well. Chris, you have to understand that even some of your closest friends are not meant to stay with you for a lifetime. People change, and that evolution is important. Friends are those people who help you down certain roads in your journey, and to expect a friend to remain by your side throughout this long excursion is valiant though shortsighted. You might end up stunting one another, impeding your evolutionary progress. This does not mean your relationships ought to end dramatically. In fact, you should never burn those bridges because you may return to one another at some later point. When you need the friendship to work, it shall work. 

You make it sound so utilitarian, Erik. People using one another. That's not friendship. 

You used to have a chair that required people push you around. These days you have motorized things or a chair that you control with your mind. 

Your point? 

If you knew anything about friends and keeping them, you wouldn't have to upgrade your chair all the time. 





Dear olds,

So, I recently got into a bit of a kerfuffle with a best friend and now he's not really talking to me. Trouble is, we work together and I'm worried it'll effect our company. I've given it some time to blow over, but any attempt I make to talk to him about what happened had been met with no substantial response. Is there any way to reconcile?


Michael (Hakaider)

Attempt to murder all the people on your partner's team using your own team. Then turn on your own team. But sometimes work with surviving members of his team. Then eventually you'll become a valuable member of his team, often supplanting him when he's dead or can walk. All I know is that it works sometimes. 

Have you considered entering his mind to confront him directly? 

I gifted you Being John Malkovich on iTunes for your last birthday. Did you watch it? Did you learn anything?

I can't figure out how it works and I'm afraid it will pull the credits from my account, and I'd allocated those funds to the new Symphony X pre-order. 

Symphony X. 

It's not why you think. 

It's because of the X. 

It's because of the X but also because Jubilee turned me onto them. 

It won't use the money in your account. The money was already deducted from mine. You should watch the movie and see what happens when people crawl into the minds of others. 

Why didn't you just mail me a gift card? 

Because they're so impersonal and I've had trouble in the past with the magnetic strips. Or the clerk not properly activating the card. Which is awkward for everyone. 

I've had that problem as well, though not with the magnets obviously. I just end up giving them the money. Giving them the receipt–which I don't always remember to hold onto in the first place–is just tacky. 

This is such a non-story. 

I know. I was in the middle of it and I realized it was boring but It was too late to stop and just blah and blah and blah. 

I know. I completely know. Watch the movie though. 

I think Hank owns it actually… 



Dear Fridge Magnet and Bald Dude,

My Aunt Agnes has to register her pet gator as a "wild animal" and my third cousin, Jimmy, has to register his shotgun collection and my sister's brother, Samson, has to register with the local sheriff every time he moves and my RV/shaggin' wagon was impounded because it wasn't registered. Heck, my buddy Carl told me he had to register his hands because the government thought they were deadly weapons (He might have been kidding though… ). How come we have to register all our kick- ass shit and you, walking, Swiss Army knives, don't think you'd have to register too?  It really burns my corn dog that you freaks think you're something special. I once had a goat that gave birth to a baby goat that had a fifth hoof where it's tail should be. Did I go around calling him "Goatus Superior"? Nope! He was Franky the Scorpion Goat and I charged people a half dollar to see him.

So what makes you freakazoids think you are so damn high and mighty?

Yours Truly,

Blair "Bearskin" Campbell

PS. If you want to check out Franky, just go on the YouTube and do a search for "Scorpion Goat". The video is almost up to 20 whole views!

All I have to say on the subject. 


Oh, Charles. Not you too. My Tumblr dashboard overflows with this nonsense. 

It's like saying sticks and stones…

I was literally beaten with sticks and stones. 

I'm all for civil debate, but this person obviously isn't interested in actual discourse. 

A poem. 


I've written a poem about tyranny. 

Suffering it or inflicting it? 


Have at it. 

Come friendly bombs and fall on Genosha!

It isn't fit for mutants, no sir, 

There isn't grass to graze 'em, ah. 

Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and blow to smithereens

Those air -conditioned, bright canteens, 

Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans, 

Tinned minds, tinned breath.

Mess up the mess they call a town-

A house for one hundred ninety-eight down

And once a week a half a crown 

For twenty years.

And get that man with double chin

Who'll always cheat and always win, 

Who washes his repulsive skin 

In sentinel's tears

I have to stop you. 


That's a poem about the English town of Slough. You heard about it on The Office. 

I made changes. 

I liked Extras better. 

I agree.

Dear sirs, 

People compare you two to Malcolm X and Dr. King. I like to think of you more like Oscar and Felix. Who's the clean one and who enjoys a good cigar? And you has a funny sneeze?

–Cameron, California

We are both remarkably clean. Charles is mostly hairless. For me it has a lot to do with electrons and static repulsion. I can degauss my crevices. We don't smoke, really. Charles sneezes like a baby otter. 

I have nothing to add. 

Peace was never an option. 




Next week?


Granny Goodness! For real this time! 

Submit your questions to by Friday at midnight! 


  1. “If you knew anything about friends and keeping them, you wouldn’t have to upgrade your chair all the time.”  If I were a slightly (very slightly) more horrible person I would use that one all the time.

  2. I don’t think I ever saw the request for Prof X and Magneto questions.  How did I miss that?

  3. Paul Montgomery Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @stuclach  It went out on Twitter. 

  4. I think Erik and Xavier’s preference for Extras over The Office show just how insane they both are. Not that Extras wasn’t super funny.

  5. Paul Montgomery Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @VichusSmith  They liked the guest stars. 

  6. Kelly Kelly (@annaluna) says:

    what is most amazing about this is that while reading it, i could hear mcavoy/stewart and fassbender/mckellen at the same time.  bravo for nailing multiple voices in a single character.

    (and omg squee i can’t wait for this movie!) 

  7. Best Bing Crosby joke ever!

  8. I thought this week was ask Granny Goodness. Am I lost?

  9. D’oh! I’m blind.

  10. @PaulMontgomery  Ah.  Sorry I missed it.

  11. That was fantastic.  I bet some X-writer out there reads this and thinks, “Damn, why didn’t I come up with ‘upgrade your chair?'”  

  12. Great job, as usual, Paul.

  13. I could totally hear Stewart’s and McKellen’s voices as I read this. Not familiar enough with the voices of the new guys from First Class… but this was great. Loved the word play, the subtle jabs, and the Bowie/Crosby reference.

  14. It’s like a Dear Abby and Ann Landers team up!