ASK…KRAVEN THE HUNTER! – 03.21.2011

Easy peesy fresh and easy! You sent your survival and romantical questions to ask@ifanboy.com, and Kraven the Hunter is here with answers! 

May I begin by offering my thanks to people of World Wide Web for submitting such ponderous questions! I must pass many a lonely hour in tree stand or helicopter waiting for prey to enter killzone! This week I pass time in consideration of your questions and how best to being giving you advice! As thankfulness for your interaction, I dedicate my next hunt to World Wide Web! Watch glorious conquest unfold in Black Panther: Storm Hunter this summertime! 

On to questions! 

–Kraven the Hunter

 

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Sir or Madam,

I live in Georgia and am therefore legally required to hunt as often as humanly possible.  I grow weary of hunting typical prey (deer, cows, rattlesnakes, bears, etc) and have been looking for a new challenge.  Therefore, I've settled on hunting Armadillos for their succulent meat.  That may not sound challenging, but I've added a bit of a twist to significantly raise the difficulty level.  I can't use any weapons of any type.  I MUST convince the Armadillo to commit suicide.  Suggestions??

Sincerely,

Chris Clark (stuclach), Outhouse, Georgia

 

Christopher, 

This is being very wonderful and tricky questioning! Mr. Armadillo is naughty by nature. Daughter is saying is rap group. I rephrase. Armadillo is rascal. Not being rascal flat which is American heartland pop sensation. Simply rascal. Because is also armored, Armadillo feel false sense of security, leads sheltered mamma's boy lifestyle in American southwest. Is not honorable creature, but is not given to dramatic gestures of seppuku. 

Armadillo has been defeated however, by possibly crow in Aesop fable.

Crow is haughty bastard bird. Always be winning.

Cover yourself in tar and feathering from local craft store. Make onto your face a beak of orange construction paper. Say caw caw caw to Armadillo like Wilson brothers in Bottles Rocket. Tell Armadillo he has beautiful singing voice and compliment him also on his cheese.

Eventually he will walk into path of diesel truck and become pulverized. Because crow always wins and Armadillo is being terrible at Frogger.

–Kraven 

 

 

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Dearest Sergei,

I have long admired the various styles and combinations of goatee, mustache & beard you have sported over the years. As a fellow fan of the furred face, I have to wonder how you get your goatee so pointy: wax, gel, the spittle of an antelope? While your animal print is always in style, the bravery you show in altering your beard to suit the times, be it closely cropped or slightly shaggy, sets you as the apex predator of villainous facial hair. In closing, I wonder if there are any other coiffed criminal comrades or pernicious piliform prey whose Van Dykes you like?

Your Humble Servant,

Brian the Hirsute  

 

Like Sherlock Holme and maestro Neil Gaiman, Kraven is avid beekeeper! Who needs Redken for men when wax is for free! Honey, I am being home!

As for handsome predators and prey, I am liking the countenance of the saiga antelope! 

                            

 

Do you not enjoy his protruding countenance? This is animal with most pleasurable snout of love-making! Is it not like warm handshake from Carl Weathers, this face to you? It is being like having two manhoods, with one right between eyes for most intimate smooching! Favorite head on wall in television room, barring none!

The runner who is up: spectacled bear! Looks like old age person with hair glasses! Is funny and ferocious! 

–Kraven

 

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Dear Mr. The Hunter,

 I have a job for somebody with your unique skill set.  Do you think you will be able to find somebody based soley on his internet identity?  As far as I know he lives somewhere in an outhouse in Georgia and frequently asks questions for this very column.  He may or may not look like a Civil War General and answers to the name Stuclach.  Your payment will include vodka, large exotic land beasts and lion pelt vests.

Sincerely,

Chris (ATO220) Trucksess

 

PS I also hear that he likes Capitalism.

                                          

Dear Kraven,

Anyone can hunt in the jungle, the thing I've admired most about you is your urban hunting skills. I've recently started a little urban hunting myself and so far I've only been able to catch the lame and weak. I need some peak physical specimens! Could you provide a gear list and maybe some tips and tricks for capturing more virile prey? Ideally without injuring them too much.

Needing a man from Montreal, QC

 

I see you have read wonderful January 1924 Collier's Weekly story "Being Most Dangerous of Game" by "Swinging" Richard Connell! I keep copy in basket by toilet for long nights of intestinal peril! 

Hunting human prey is being very ostentatious and flamboyant! Is different from hunting moose or kidnapping daughter of business tycoon or even murder. Is not crime. Is game. OK, is crime too, but is mostly game. Like Chinese or American checkers. 

First person ask about tracking specific man. I am suggesting use of private detective softwares. Hopefully this Stuclach is sex offender and can be found in public database. Or is costume crime-fighter. Just hang out at bank. 

For second person, I am recommending go on MTV dating program very popular with daughter call Elimidate. Daughter say Elimidate not on so much anymore. You try Christian dating World Wide Web site because then you know gentleman owns polo shirt and khaki pant. 

Or also cruise mall. 

Both people questioning should be bringing pepper spray in fanny pack. 

Approach from above and behind. Always. 

–Kraven

 

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Kraven,

We recently got two male cats from the local shelter. They're brothers and, for the most part, get along well. However, as they've become more used to their current living conditions, they've begun wrestling and biting each other on the neck. They've never hissed or growled at each other, only wrestled and bit. My limited knowledge of the situation tells me that they're fighting for superiority; for dominance. This has been going on for weeks. They're very evenly matched in terms of size so there's no clear victor in these fights.

My question: how do I decide which one I want to win and make sure that he sufficiently puts the other one in his place? And how would I go about doing that? Should I leap into the fray? Having one dominant over the other would really make the evenings quieter.

Thanks,

Jeff Reid

 

It is being important that you first obtain fox urine!

fill many kettles with fox urine and spread this around surbases and liberally sprinkling on carpet in every room of house! This will make cats feel uneasy and restless, constantly in fear of lives. If they have already begun the Dance of dominance, they are unlikely to be going back into cahoots! Now they will be being very much more on edge with stakes raised to climactic proportions! This will be decidedly unbearable for humans for many days, but in the end, one cat will be superior and other will be dead or crippled! To make process fast, outfit favorite animal with tail halberds. Some say this is not natural and therefore wrong. Do not listen to these people. These people are not growing up with He-Man and Battle Cat! Cringer is pussy cat. You are not wanting to live with bed wetter! House already reeking of fox urine. You want champion cat to console you!

–Kraven 

 

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Dear Kraven the Hunter,

Emily Post, a well regarded authority on etiquette and manners, has many rules for common social situations such as dining, dating, and business conduct — just to name a few.  She is unfortunately lacking when it comes to the area of hunting, and especially hunting the most dangerous of prey of all (which will remain nameless for now, so as to not alert the super-heroic authorities). 

So I am hoping you can help me with a question of hunting etiquette. 

I have found myself in a situation in which I must hunt with others (something I generally find detestable), but the group is required because our quarry is of a especially super-powered nature.  Although my own efforts are usually of the highest quality (traps, weapons, kidnappees, et cetera), I fear my "partners" lack standards which I hold so dear. 

I suspect there might come a point in which I will need to "double cross" my compatriots in order to save my own skin. 

When/if the moment arrives should I (1) give a long speech explaining to them their short comings and why I must leave them, (2) give a simple "good-bye" and leave them to their individually designed fates, (3) deal with them directly as one might do with a common dog?

Even though I might be forced into a situation which calls for the dissolution of our partnership, I still wish to be considered the highest class of "backstabber". 

Sincerely,

J.P. Classact, esq.

 

2.

–Kraven 

 

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Dear Mr. Hunter, 

A great manly man once said that what is best in life is "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women." What to you, Kraven the Hunter, is in fact best in life? BTW, sorry about that shotgun to the head thing, hope you're doing better. 

-Cameron Rice. 

 

This is being very classic Robert E. Howard line, favorite on YouTube. Kraven has thought for very long and very hard about this and have come up with revision. 

"To hunt your enemies, see their faces mounted on the wall before you, and to mount also their womens."

Is good? Is good. 

As for untimely death, I thank you. I am reminded of another quote. 

"I needed that shotgun blast to the head like I needed that parking ticket." –Ernest Hemingway

–Kraven

 

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Next week's guest columnist is…PARKER!

                                                                                                

Send in all your hardboiled questions to Parker via ask@ifanboy.com by Friday, midnight EST. And maybe, just maybe, he'll give ya what for.