Welcome to the first edition of our new weekly feature "Ask _______!" the rules are simple. We invite you, the iFanbase, to write in to our special ask@ifanboy.com email address with your career or relationship questions for our fictional advice columnists. Each week a new comics character steps forward to dispense their own brand of wit and wisdom.
This week's special advice columnist is…
Doctor Doom!
Hi there…
I'm in college studying to become a teacher. I want to inspire young minds and influence them on what they can do with their lives. But keeping a young person's focus is a growing concern. What can you suggest is a good way to keep my student's interest and focus on what I'm trying to teach them?
Sincerely,
Steadily Studying in Four Freedoms Plaza
To SSiFFP,
A delicate problem with a simple solution. Caning.
Running a country is actually quite similar to instilling fear upon a classroom of incessantly vibrant school children. Some days as I glide through my kingdom on my all-terrain Segway, I observe my people expressing such things as opinions and immediately flash back to my time as a TA at university. The horticulturalist I abducted from Keukenhof Gardens in the Netherlands some years ago has been hard at work developing robust "switch" trees for just such purposes. She hasn't yielded branches with quite the right resiliance, and thus I've been forced to remove the fingers from her left hand. She promises, though, that she is close. Which may well be true. One green thumb remains, yes?
I recommend also the methods of renowned educator Miss Agatha Trunchbull as exhibited in middle chapters of Roald Dahl's Matilda.
I share, too, this helpful essay on caning.
–Doom
—
Greetings your highness Dr. Doom sir.
I humbly ask for your guidence in my lowly commoner's tasks. I know medicine is not what you got your degree for. But i have an urgent matter at hand and could use your great wisdom. Recently i bought this green cape. I don't know what its made of. But, it gave me the weeirdest of rashes. I assume that over the years you had [sic] syour fair share of green capes. Any solutions to my condition? Any advice to know how to peek them capes?
Very much appreciated,
Lucas
To Leonid:
To the contrary. I do hold an honorary doctorate in medicine from Latveria Tech. My mother was also a gypsy witch, so I know my way around a cauldron. In point of fact, I'm performing a blood-letting procedure on a toady as I dictate this missive. Stop whining, you wretch. Next paragraph.
I have no advice on "peaking them capes," as you put it. But I have dealt with my fair share of dermatological ailments. Should the application of Bum Boosa ® Bamboo Diaper Rash Ointment or some similar product not remedy the problem, I recommend encasing your entire body in armor. There will be chafing, to be sure. But none shall look upon it.
–Doom
—
Help me, Doctor Doom:
I have been up for a promotion for three months now and the corporate boss is dragging his feet to make a decision. What can I do get his attention and
convince him that I am the right choice for the job?
Waiting in TN
Walter,
The obvious solution involves the public disintegration of all other applicants to the position. Ruin them. I might also recommend a bold gesture of human greatness. Consider removing the Statue of Liberty from its current roost and relocating it to your employer's property. I would use Doombots. I do not know what variety of bots are available to you in the backwater state of Tennessee, but I am sure you will work something out.
Murdering Reed Richards would impress just about anybody. In fact, I would offer you the position of grand electrician should you so choose to murder Richards.
–Doom
—
Dear Dr Doom,
I am having trouble getting a new job. I have applied to several over the last few months, with no luck. How should I spruce up my CV to get employers interested?
Unemployedly yours,
David
—
Dear Dr Doom
What is the best tactic to get the best deal from the dealer.
Lease or buy?
Sincerely
Major decision in Omaha Nebraska
Find us on Facebook
Follow us on Twitter
Subscribe to our RSS Feed
Some rights reserved.
I will be applying Dr. Doom’s advice to a roomful of sixth-graders tomorrow. I’m ooking forward to the results. Thanks, Dr. Doom!
Now, if a student left out the “l” in looking and wrote “ooking” like I just did, I would cane him.
Well done, Dr. Doom.
I can’t believe I missed my opportunity to Ask the Doctor. I look forward to other opportunities in the future.
“Murdering Reed Richards would impress just about anybody. In fact, I would offer you the position of grand electrician should you so choose to murder Richards.“
DOOM WOULD NEVER SAY THAT!!! THIS MUST BE A MALFUNCTIONING DOOMBOT ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS!!
THE DESTRUCTION OF REED RICHARDS IS RESERVED FOR DOOM AND DOOM ALONE!!
SEIZE THIS “DOCTOR DOOM” IMMEDIATELY!! IT MIGHT EVEN BE RICHARD’S BRAIN IN DOOM’S BODY AGAIN!!!
ACT QUICKLY BEFORE HE CAN ANSWER ANYMORE QUESTIONS!!
Paul, I have a question. Have you ever been in an AAMCO commercial? I thought I saw some guy in it that looked like you.
This column is even better than I thought it would be. The all-terrain Segway, I almost forgot about it.
Excelsior Doom, Excelsior.
@RobotZombie I hear ya. My heart is heavy from failing to pose a question to the Monarc of Latveria.
I would use Doombots as well.
Best.Thing.EVER. made my stressed out day fun.
This was really awesome. Well done! I LOL’d several times.
Judging by the responses here, I think I would feel much more comfortable and secure having Doom answering my questions about my lovelife than Namor…but I’ll take what I can get.
All hail Doom!
This made my day.
Latveria Tech! lmfao…I bet for a $300 course you too can be a nuclear physicist!
Latveria Tech! lmfao…I bet for a $300 course you too can be a nuclear physicist!
Slow clap. Well done, Paul.
Next paragraph! Gold!
I now enter every room through smoke. Thanks, Dr. Doom!
Upon a second read I was floored by the mental image of Doom riding slowly around Latveria on a Segway like a self important mall-cop with all the peasants desperate to make him think he looks cool or risk disintergration.
a splendid idea 🙂