Ask…Dazzler – 03.07.2011

Doesn't take a rocket surgeon. You wrote in to with your questions for pop superstar Dazzler, she entertains a sold out arena, and answers your mail in a truck stop cafeteria outside Atlanta. 

Let's kick it off with some concert photography from our pal Doug Hills

Dear Dazzler,

My girlfriends are taking me out to a karaoke bar for my birthday next week and there's no getting out of it. I'm really really really nervous. I love singing, but sometimes I even get stage fright in the shower! Any tips! 

Stormy Weather Heather




If Bill Murray could do it Lost in Translation, so can you. 

Remember, karaoke isn't Japanese for "studio audition" or even "national anthem at a powder puff game." I don't think it even means ANYTHING. Maybe it's a kind of octopus. But between me and you, it just means "line up some shots and have some fun." Be silly. Watch what my secret-forever-boyfriend Joseph Gordon-Levitt does in 500 Days of Summer. He goes through puberty about five times belting out "Here Comes Your Man." Skip the Zooey stuff because whatever, misery skank. Just put Joey on a loop. He's fearless. He's goofy and he knows it and that's amazing. 

If you're still a big scaredy cat, see if you can do a duet or be a backup singer. Just get up there and don't go pretending to sing, just flapping your mouth open and closed like you did at the Christmas pageant in grade two. Make big noises and SMILE. You're gonna go home and throw up a lot and you're gonna feel like a big dummy because you'll have had so much fun and your hair fell in the toilet. 

Do NOT sing anything by the Bloodhound Gang or Pat Benatar. For what I think are obvious reasons. 

DO sing something by Billy Idol or Natalia Imbruglia (super ironically). 

— D



Dear Dazzler, 

I want to start go clubbing with my wife because I'm a closet dancer.  She is a

little shy to dancing.  What can I do to get her to go clubbing?

Waiting to Dance in TN

PS I miss your roller skates.


OMG you dance in your CLOSET! To R. Kelly I should hope. 

Kidding. Okay. 

Don't make it a place you've frequented before (weird if you know it real well and it's all new and scary for her) and make sure it's a place where no exes are gonna show up. Because. Well because you know why. But you want to scout the place out first. Maybe there's some pictures on their Facebook page. And if they don't have a Facebook page, ummm why? Are there people dancing in cages or on trapeze swings in these pictures? If there are then I hope you met your wife at Barnum and Baileys. Don't start with a place that is just all about dancing. Ease your way up to that. Maybe find a place with a great bar or great live shows where you can sit and yell into each other's ears about how great a time you're having. Hey, what up a roller rink! That's so adorable, right!? And you can play Wack-a-Mole if it all gets to be too much. 

So, make sure it's a place that's not too hardcore or athletic or has, like, foam, but make sure it's not a place where old people in blazers are learning to foxtrot. 





Do you have any comment on the sex tape of you and that blonde guy with a glowing eye?


Getting Lucky Online


Gawker just won't let this one go, huh? OK, my sprinkle sprites. Here's my last word on that hot mess… 

If I ever do star in a sex tape (and you'll be the FIRST to know), you're not gonna need night vision. You're gonna need Ray Bans. Kiss




Dear Dazzler,

I have a colleague who claims that STEP UP 3D is the least in the Step Up franchise. I find this position to be shocking and unsupportable. Which film had not only a choreographed dance in two inches of water but also had that big guy who did just about the most insane Robot ever seen by man? STEP UP 3D, of course.

How do I explain to my co-worker just how wrong she is?


Slap this woman with a sneaker. Take of your show and just swat her. 

Step Up 3D introduces DUST to the mix! And it has the wall of boom boxes! John Chu tore that one UP! I really like the art school setup in 2, but Step Up 3D's the most fun I've had at the movies since Sister Act 2! I was breaking in the aisles

– D



Dear Ms. Dazzler,

Last year was my 10th wedding anniversary.  I celebrated by forgetting about it. (That was a bad month.)  To make up for that mistake I'm planning a magical evening for my wife.  I considered taking her clubbing or possibly to a nice concert, but I couldn't decide which was the better option.  I decided to go with the best possible combination of the two: Medieval Times!!

Now I'm having trouble deciding what to wear.  Do I wear a white tuxedo with black accents or a black tuxedo with white accents????  I'm concerned that my clothing may clash with the classy paper crown they give you at the gate that matches the color of the knight I am legally bound to root for.

Please help!  I'm open to any and all advice.

Chris Clark (stuclach), Outhouse, Georgia


Can't you just wear a nice shirt and dark jeans? You're making her eat at MEDIEVAL TIMES!

Unless you want to wear chainmail and play up the whole white knight thing. That could be really cute. Do you have access to a horse?

I think that's fair to ask because you live in Georgia. 

Just don't call her "Milady" the whole night. That's really cheeseball. Hayden Christensen ruined that one for everybody.

Even cool guys like you, Chris. 




Dear Dazzler,

Be honest. You're really Lady GaGa, aren't you? 




Everybody wants us to hate each other! Why?!

I think Gaga is totally cute and super brilliant. If I had to pick one work it would be "innovator." Or "iconoclast." Although I think I fought a guy/chick/thing called Iconoclast in the Savage Land once. So whatever, she's "Gaga" and that's enough. 

I don't really think we're that similar to be honest! She's more Madonna and I'm more Cher/Debbie Harry/Donna Summer/Joan Jett, I think? 

If you mix us up, just remember Gaga can pull herself out of her own hoo-ha, and I shoot hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons from my fingertips. 

And the alien egg thing I come to the Grammys in never malfunctions and traps me inside all awkwardly. 


I'm so bad. Bad, Dazzler. 

— D



Dear Dazzler,

I'm going nowhere, won't somebody help me there?

Sincerely, John T.







Next week, ASK….THE ROGUES! 




Submit your career/relationship/meteorological/psychological/pet care queries to by Sunday at 5pm EST and the appropriate Flash rogue or rogues (Captain Cold, Mirror Master, Heatwave, Trickster, Weather Wizard) may answer next week! 


  1. @stuclach: You’re on fire with these questions.  Although I’m pretty sure if you don’t call your wife ‘Milady’ they’re going to throw you out.

    @Paul: Really excited to see what you come up with for the rouges.  Do they still have their twitter accounts?  I loved those.

  2. @Paul you sir are doing an amazing job with these!

    and i’m pretty sure Karoke means a whales vagina, but i can’t remember.

  3. @Dazzler – Conveniently, I’m actually riding a horse while typing this, so I got that going for me.  Unfortunately, I’d already started calling her “Milady” in anticipation of our big night.  Now I know why she kept vomiting when I said it.

    Also unfortunately, I don’t own any nice shirts.  It’s either “wife beater” or tuxedo.  I should’ve made that clearer.  Sorry. 

  4. @ato220  Thank you, sir.  Paul does such an exceptional job with these that I’m simply glad to contribute.

  5. “You’re gonna need Ray-Bans.” = Awesome.

  6. I honestly wish that someone in our theater started breakdancing during STEP UP 3D. That’s just about the only way that the movie could have been better.

    Maybe I’ll slap my co-worker with a ballet slipper or something. I want to slap some sense into her, not slap an imprint of my treads in her check.

  7. My advice for anyone nervous about Karaoke would be to try and find a Korean Norabang – you get your own private room with your friends. Way more fun.

  8. @flakbait- true

  9. Looks like Dazzler’s greatest enemy is autocorrect.

  10. This is the greatest one yet.

  11. Haha awesome!  and of course I hear it in Dazzler’s voice from the Comic Book Queers podcast.

  12. Ditto.

  13. blonde guy with a glowing eye” “Getting Lucky Online” Good stuff.

    Yes, “…you’re not gonna need night vision. You’re gonna need Ray Bans” is my favorite line. Good one for sure.