ASK…CYCLOPS! – 05.23.2011

You submitted questions to mutant poster boy Scott Summers via ask@ifanboy.com. Today, he responds. And cautions. 

Hey, folks. I'd like to start this column with a reminder that horseplay, whether by a swimming pool or in a home gym, kitchen, or rumpus room (why are these not outlawed?) can and will end your life and those of the loved ones foolish enough to associate with you. I'm an X-Man, so I recognize that there are many situations when power walking or even running without the safety harness on your personal treadmill is a necessity.

Danger does happen, and must often be met with spontaneous and frequently hazardous response actions. Just leave that to the professionals in law enforcement and those brave high school students trying to earn money to buy that 1997 Honda Accord from Kerry's brother before the Goo Goo Dolls concert in late August (Though I'm perhaps a little out of the loop on hot artists touring this summer concert season, GGD is likely a safe bet with teenagers of any generation. Me, I'm looking forward to seeing the Eagles at the picnic pavilion. I'm deeply passionate about outdoor music. Also, are you watching The Voice? Not The View. The Voice. I used to think Maroon 5 was a little too subversive and smart alecy, but I've completely turned around on that).

If I can give you any gift this summer, it's this chart from the NFSI (National Floor Safety Institute, natch. Have you signed up for their electronic newsletter yet? If you submitted an e-mail this week, I took the liberty of doing it for you).  I don't want to be morbid, but sunshine comes with its own perils. And this graphic only represents situations involving floors. Imagine what happens in the many, many places without pavement or flooring! Hammertoe? No, thanks! 

I've emailed NFSI (through a new email address and on Emma's computer; I think they accidentally blocked my IP address???) to see if they'd consider printing this graphic on T-shirts, or if they're (rightfully) too busy with civic duties, I may see if Hank can print them through his Cafe Press account (He's always making shirts based on some funny line they said on RadioLab). Hopefully NFSI will give us permission. 

Paul, if I can sort out the t-shirt information and send you the appropriate links, can you keep the readers updated? 

[Whatever.]

Fantastic! 

Okeedoke. Let's take a look at those romantic queries! (Talking out of school here, probably. Emma loves my Tim Meadows as "The Lady's Man" impression. I adore that movie. Really clever even if it is a little smart alecy.)

 

---

 

 

Dear Cyclops, 

I recently sat with my manager for our regular performance evaluation. This was my second evaluation at this current job. The way we were sitting (this isn't a boner story I swear) I was able to read some of her notes. I always got the sense that my boss liked me as a person and valued my input on day to day projects. She's always greeted me warmly and seems to seek me out when weighing a decision. 

So I was shocked when I caught a glimpse of my "leadership" rating. She gave me a three out of ten. Other scores were better, all sevens and higher. Many, myself included, consider you a great leader. What could I be doing wrong, and how can I fix this? Maybe I'm being paranoid. But this haunts me. Probably the way Jean haunts you. 

I kid. 

Riley, Indianapolis 

 

Alright. Well. I'm going to be the bigger man and ignore that last part there, Riley (or should I say Buster Brown?) That's very hurtful through. A little bit of a private matter, Riley. But if you. If you hear from Jean. Just as an off-chance thing. If she reaches out to you and there's some way I could make things right. I know she's gone, but…our universe is just so…brimming is the word. And well. 

Listen, you probably shouldn't have been looking at your manager's notes during that meeting. It's possible that she was testing you. That could be good or bad. If she wanted you to see that low rating, she might be curious as to what your idea of a good leader truly is. She'll be watching your behavior, either to see if she's right or wrong about her assessment of your abilities. You could be in trouble, or you could be up for a promotion. Either way, you should reach out to me if Jean uses your body as some kind of vessel. 

Hope this helps! 

–Scott

 

---

 

 

I have a thing for redheads but my wife is a brunette but would look perfect as a redhead.  Can I get some advice as to how to convince her to dye her long hair red?

Tom

PS.  Or could you loan me one of your telepaths to suggest it to her?

 

Tom, 

Your post script is not ethical and even if you meant it in jest, very inappropriate. Also, Emma barely does that kind of thing even as a favor to me. Or she says she does, but how can I ever tell? She could be lying to me.

And possibly tampering with my memory or attitude to make it seem like…

Oh, hey, darling. I…everything is swell. 

That..that up there is just all silly. I was making a joke. Not a good joke, even. We have a strong relationship built upon trust. And I'm going to go make her an omelette right now. Be right back. 

Okay, I'm back. I don't think anyone really looks right with red hair. I have found. I wince whenever we pass a Wendy's sign.

Some people don't like to engage with smokers or people who eat meat. I find myself alarmingly, maybe suddenly repulsed in the same way by gingers. I don't know when that happened, but it's an exceptionally strong compulsion at the moment. It might fade in time but actually no it won't ever go away. I will feel like this forever. 

Forever. 

I'm told the omelette is runny.

I'm going to redo it and come back for the next question. 

–Scott

 

---

 

Dear Cyclops,

Why do the hottest mutant women in the Marvel Universe find themselves so attracted to you? Is it the glasses?

Eagerly awaiting your advice,

Reptil

Avengers Academy

 

Reptil, 

I asked Emma and she says it's my pliability and the fact that if there were ever to be a horrible breakup, it would be very simple to divide up our music collection. 

–Scott

 

---

 

Next week? 

Granny Goodness! 

 

Submit your questions to Granny via ask@ifanboy.com by Friday at midnight EST, and we'll be back next week with her answers!