ASK…Black Bolt! – 06.20.2011

Blackagar Boltagon, lord of the Inhumans, has deigned to answer your queries. His is a voice of staggering puissance. A voice customarily reserved to level the war machines of pretenders and dissidents, the Hulks and despots and otherworldly aggressors. He has trained for a lifetime to achieve the persistent silence not only of the dumb, but of the vacuum. He remains taciturn so that free men and Inhumans may live.

This, then, is a gift to you. Do not take his words lightly. Do not let them fall on deaf ears. As when they are made sonorous, they are deafening. 

So, hiiiiiii! I'm Blackagar. Really excited to be typing to you guys! This is a real treat. I never really get the chance to wax philosophical about…well, anything! Even if I were to hum nervously (which I totally want to sometimes because I have to fight some really scary people) I would end up decimating entire townships. I gasped on a log flume ride once even though I practiced in the motel bathtub for hours like Leon in Cool Runnings, and I wiped out section H of the parking lot below! Hopefully nobody was changing any diapers in the back of a station wagon!

But anywho, I usually have to pretend I'm someone else in chat rooms and message boards for legal reasons. So I'm really glad I get the chance to be me and speak my mind here on I, Fanboy. That said, if you ever find yourself chatting about Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12 on XBox Live, I'm MetroGnome1965. 😉



Your Highness (or can I call you Blackagar?)

I have to do a presentation soon and I have a fear of speaking in public in fact I'm so afraid that I clam up and can't speak at all.

Do you have any tips for me to inspire people without talking?

Thanks in advance
Sam aka (g0ofgnewt on Twitter and iFanboy)

Here's the thing. I think clams are kind of gross. They're either too chewy or too slimy. Why do we dredge the oceans for new buggy things to eat? Whoever first decided to eat clams was an industrious pervert or something.

You don't have to impress people with your voice. Not even pop stars have to do that. Can you juggle? Can you do really good shadow puppets? What about gymnastic routines with a stick and a ribbon?

There are a lot of very dynamic, inspiring people who get their points across without speaking. Mr. Bean. Mr. Noodle. The other Mr. Noodle. Charlie Chaplin. Robert Downey Jr. in the movie about Charlie Chaplin. Buster Keaton. The one who's like Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin and who's supposed to be better. Wile E. Coyote except for that one time. Wishbone, technically.

Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes of the View. It's relevant because it would be better without Elisabeth Hasselbeck talking. 





Dear Mr. Boltigon

I hate people, and try to avoid talking to them. Mostly this makes people think I'm either a jerk, or in need of friends. That second thing is a problem. As you are the living embodiment of the strong, silent man, tell me, what's the secret to being thought of as the strong, silent type instead of the "he must need someone to talk to" type?

Buford, GA

Well. I really like people. In another life I'd be a Walmart greeter or work in customer service at Target. Or maybe be a cruise director and jog around trying to pep people up with one of those medicine balls. That's not a drug thing. But since I always want to avoid the temptation to talk or laugh, I have to pretend I'm Mr. Crab Apple Face.

I've found the best thing you can do is grimace. So pretend your elderly Aunt Fern is persistently leaning in for a big ol' smooch! Other times I like to pretend I'm Lando Calrissian when the door opens in that dining room and Han's gonna walk in? Like I just sold you out, pal. You're gonna be frozen even though we were buddies. That must've been a really hard thing to do and the last thing Lando wanted to do was inadvertently smile. That would make everything even worse. So bite your cheeks a little or think about an old, neglected horse on a lonely farm where there aren't any other horse. Think about John Steinbeck's The Red Pony, which I once read on an extended flight through the Negative Zone.

Think about what they did to Judy Garland during the production of the Wizard of Oz. All those pills just to look as young and vibrant as Shirley Temple! Think about the time you ordered a Shirley Temple because you had a big day the next day and how Wolverine grunted because he had an itch in his throat but it was clearly him laughing at you. But you couldn't say anything because your voice would rend sinew from bone and make the Stamford Incident look like a noncident. Think about a really, really sad PJ Harvey song like "Horses in My Dreams." Something you won't be tempted to hum, because if you do, everyone you love will be horribly dead. 



Dear Black Bolt,

How do you feel about this whole Lebron James situation?  He's a potentially great leader of an extremely powerful team, but he's generally rather lame.  I'm sure you've never experienced anything like that, but I was wondering if you might have some advice for Mr. James.  I'm sure he'd appreciate the help.


Chris Clark
Outhouse, Georgia

Oh gosh. Lebron shouldn't have done those commercials. Some of us can't do commercial because we're not the ideal mouthpiece for an organization or really speaking in general. He needs to focus on the game and realize when his strategies don't work, as in that mess with the Mavericks. He needs to decide if Dwayne Wayde is his Medusa or his Karnak. He certainly isn't his Lockjaw. Whatever that means. I still don't really know. That dog is confusing. But he's not yet 27. I think he just needs to step back, choose his words carefully, and level the court appropriately.

Infinity Gems may also help. 



Next week? 


Don't submit your romantic/career/friendship/arts-and-crafts questions to Bizarro via by Friday at Midnight EST. 


  1. ah, i get it

  2. So BlackBolt is a hairdresser?

  3. Avatar photo Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    @ericmci  There are no references to hair in this piece. 

  4. Perfect, absolutely perfect!

  5. I wonder if Black Bolt is a loud typer?

  6. Spot on. great stuff.

  7. Awesome. Level the court. That’s good stuff.

  8. Me am not looking forward to next week’s.

  9. @RapidEyeMovement Well said.

  10. Guys, FYI this is totally fake.