ASK…Bizarro! 06.27.2011

Day not here! You not ask Bizarro unimportant question about life and getting along with other peoples in world without go crazy! Bizarro disregard them question!

Me am not happy be here. Me am not thrilled answer stupid questions from illiterates. Me am want go jump off bridge instead but am wish did not have super flight to save Bizarro from jagged rocks and icy water below! Let us end with first question! 

Dear Bizarro,

Pavlov's dog or Schrödinger's cat?

From Jason Newcomb



Me am not just thinking about this the other afternoon as watching dog walk owner along angular shore of La Bizarro Grande Jatte! We am not the loonies! bet you knew that, pal! Anyway, wonder if man put cat in breadbox with isotope if box still a box! Is box not now litter box? Or if dog and dog make noise in forest is not dog alarm clock? Then it start raining cat and dog and that get messy in Bizarro France, so Bizarro close umbrella and go back home! Bad things not happen when Bizarro get to think about philosophy! Should leave metaphysics to junkies and chipmunks! Bizarro save his brains for smelling detergent and looking at clothed women magazines! 

Bizarro once have pet too! Bizarro Comet ride Bizarro asquare countryside all live-long day! 




Dear Bizarro, 

Recently I've started going out to sporting events and bars with co-workers in the evenings. Not every night, but more often than I used to. My girlfriend hasn't said anything about it directly, but she's been a little passive aggressive whenever the subject comes up. I invite her to come along, but she doesn't seem to want to mix with my co-workers. Unfortunately, I think a lot of this has to do with a new hire named Kayla. Every time I mention something Kayla said the night before, my girlfriend gives me the cold shoulder. I don't have feelings for Kayla, except to say that she's warm and we have a similar sense of humor and sometimes I'l go out of my way to pass her desk when I'm coming back from break. She does these great cartoons of our co-workers as animals and they're really spot on. We get along even though she thinks the rice crispy treats from the vending machine are better than homemade ones. Which is crazy. She's been petitioning the manager to let us have an office dog since Dennis transferred to another branch. Dennis was allergic to dogs and he was the only one really keeping us from getting a dog for the office. I think it'd be a great idea, so I secretly signed the petition more than once, but with fake names like Grover Cleveland and Desmond Hume. Then Kayla started adding her own fake names (she disguised her handwriting, but I could tell by the way she does the oldschool cursive Q's and S's like you learn in school but never really do in real life. She's funny like that. She even wrote in Harley Quinn! I had no idea she's a comic fan. I'll have to bring in some of my old Batman stuff. 

Pete in Grand Rapids


You should am keep following instincts with Kayla and let things take natural course. Girlfriend will am be very happy. 





There is this guy at school who is never not dressed exactly like me. Like it's suspicious and not just a coincidence. We had one class together last semester, but nothing this year. But I see him all the time in the dining hall and in the Starbucks and I think he has study group in my common room even though I think he has a different major. It's not just slight similarities in what we're wearing. Even if I wear tie dye (which I normally wouldn't) he somehow ends up with the same colors and pattern on his shirt too. I've even tried wearing my roommate's clothes or getting dressed in the dark or getting dressed twice, going against my instincts. I once wore the same neon green t-shirt from cafe press for two weeks straight and every day he was wearing it too. He's even grown his hair out to look like mine. All I've ever done is stare at him with a look like "Really?!" but have been too afraid to say anything. What should I do?"

Cathy, Pittsburgh 



Bizarro am not confused by syntax in first sentence but will am soldier on. This am sound like flattery. This am sound like normal social experiment. Is am guy pledging to be in sorority? Is am guy grad student in normal psychology? This too normal to be coincidence. Maybe guy not stalking you and not turn you into lamp. Bizarro not watch Discovery I.D. channel and skip program about mild mannered boy try become step-mom after am do away with her. This am work out for guy and for step-mom. You should not worry. Only one bit. 




My teenage son has discovered sarcasm. It's unbearable. What do I do to put an end to this? I want my little gentleman back!

Louise, Tallahassee


That am sad story. 



Next week? Doctor Doom is back! 



Ask Doctor Doom whatever you'd like via and he'll be back in two weeks with his answers! 


  1. me am not laughing at this. me not find this funny. me think you do terrible job, paul.

  2. me hate ifanboy for things like this. me am not reading ifanboy anymore.

  3. Bizarro talk hurts my head. I like it.

  4. Oh, and may I suggest Vic Sage The Question as a future “ask” character? He’s my favorite Zen vigilante.

    Other I’d like to “ask”:

    Gorilla Grodd

  5. Avatar photo Paul Montgomery (@fuzzytypewriter) says:

    Gorilla Grodd would be fun. The Joker might be too…I might be showing too much of my hand. 

  6. I’d be a fan of any of the Nextwave people doing one. Or Squirrel Girl.

    But I’m glad Dr. Doom is back next week. I should ask him a question. 

  7. me am not finding this funny.

  8. Last week I swore I would find the time to ask a question for Bizarro (I was thrilled to see him listed), but unfortunatley the world just wouldn’t stop for me.

    Nice job on the answers, Paul! Great questions everyone!

  9. I want to ask Rocket Racoon and Groot.

  10. Has The Goon been questioned?

  11. Funny.